Janice Dickinson's Glamorous Gay Gaffe

Posted by Michael Musto at 3:00 PM, May 12, 2008

Janice Dickinson stopped by Hiro Ballroom last night to mix with her target demographic, the gays. I greeted the irrepressible minx by the bathroom, where we chatted, naturally, about how great we both looked. When I told her my secret is Vitamin E oil, Janice said, "But Colacello's an Italian name. It must be OLIVE oil." As she pranced into the loo, I realized the kook had thought I was writer Bob Colacello the whole time! She re-emerged about 10 minutes later, by which time she'd seen the light (no doubt in addition to hundreds of gays peeing and doing coke). "I know you're not Bob Colacello!" Janice purred, graciously removing her pedicured foot from her lacquered mouth. A nice gesture—but AM I Bob Colacello? If the original supermodel says so, I'm starting to think it must be true.

Theater Tidbits. . . Harvey Fierstein, Gina Gershon, and More

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:00 PM, May 8, 2008

I ran into the legendary Harvey Fierstein on the street in the theater district and told him I was looking for a place to eat. "Go to Ciro," he recommended. "Ask for Massimo," he added, smirking. "Give him a blow job and you'll get dessert.". . .

Instead, I ended up at a Drama Desk event where I met the woman who plays Miranda's maid on Sex and the City. (She's Lynn Cohen, according to a comenter below. Thanks for the info that google didn't provide!) Cohen told me she's preparing to do a stage revival of Uncle Vanya with Peter Dinklage. "He's an old friend," she related. "Eventually, all friends get together. There's only 10 of us, you know..."

Meanwhile, my old friend Gina Gershon bravely includes Showgirls in her bio for Broadway's Boeing Boeing. As well she should—she rocked as Crystal! And now, back to Massimo.

No, wait, before dessert, we have to deal with the entree that everyone sent back. It was Glory Days, which closed on opening night, and while no one's rejoicing about it, it IS kind of fun to have an old-style flop, the kind they don't have anymore now that shows are so expensive they're carefully tested and marketed before they hit Broadway. What were they thinking with this one? It was written by and starred 20-somethings and was billed as young-young-younger-than-springtime, but the script's treatment of the "gay problem" was so stale and cobwebby it might have been written by 90-year-olds. And NOW back to Massimo.

Britney Goes Off-Broadway Where She Belongs

Posted by Michael Musto at 1:50 PM, May 6, 2008

Jenn Harris as Britney.

Britney Spears' life would surely make for a fabulous Greek tragedy—even though HER idea of one is a Greek salad with too much feta cheese—but can the pop tart's bizarre plight constitute a tragiCOMEDY? Maybe, if the facts are altered a little bit for a more dramatically pleasing arc and a professional actress plays the role.

That's what's apparently happened with Steven Levenson's Girls Day, or Britney and Tara Stare Into the Void and the Void Stares Back, the play with the unwieldy title, coming to Ace of Clubs (9 Great Jones Street) starting May 11.

The plot? Well, in case you haven't picked up a tabloid in the last year and taken drugs and used your imagination, here goes: "Dateline: L.A. March 21, 2007. Britney Spears checks out of Promises Treatment Center after a one-month stint. So what's next for the derailed pop princess? GIRLS DAY, natch! Britney calls up gal pal Tara Reid to join her for one special, unforgettable day. An American tragedy, with special guest appearances by Jayden James, Sean Preston, a publicist, a social worker and, of course, K-Fed."

They had me until that last part. While I suspect off-Broadway is just where Britney belongs (and actually started, in a musical called Ruthless), I fear it's way too good for Mr. FedEx!

Olsen Twin's Drug Legacy Continues!

Posted by Michael Musto at 8:45 AM, April 24, 2008

The days when Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen starred in cutesy flicks like How The West Was Fun are as over as era when Nicole Kidman had an expressive forehead. Nowadays, of course, Mary-Kate shows up on Weeds, playing "Tara, a devoted Christian girl who falls in with a family of drug-dealing suburbanites." And I just saw a screening of The Wackness, a cool little film about a young drug dealer in love, and while I'm not at liberty to reveal anything substantial about it just yet, let's just say that Mary-Kate's brief role might not be completely unrelated to narcotics. Of course, none of this means much since, as we know, it takes three instances of anything to create a real trend. And I'm not going to be so horribly low and crass as to mention anything about Heath Ledger here.

Gossip Report: Why No News is Bad News

Posted by Michael Musto at 8:45 AM, April 23, 2008

Recently I was reading an online gossip column and came across this un-electrifying bit of non news: "Tobey Maguire is not set to become a dad again." Fine, whoever said he was? (Oh, yeah, a trashy tabloid magazine.) The late-breaking non item reminded me that my least favorite type of informational tidbit is one telling us something ISN'T happening—though it's a great way to fill column space because the possibilities are absolutely endless.

Here are some future stories I just might use on a slow week:

*Rosie O'Donnell not set to marry Ryan Seacrest

*Movie star not suing over reports that he's straight

*Nicole Kidman not set to give up Botox injections

Dame Judi Dench won't bare it all for Maxim

Naomi Campbell not nice

And of course, my most sizzling scoop ever:

*No sequel planned for The Hottie and the Nottie!

Any other ideas, folks? Tell me something that ISN'T happening (besides my career).

What Does Clay Aiken Have in Common with a Drag Queen?

Posted by Michael Musto at 3:00 PM, April 15, 2008

Don't like the way Clay Aiken sings? Well, you're a heathen with taste up your poopshoot! How about at least hearing the American Idol runner-up talk? Here he is in a brief "webisode" interview on broadwayworld.com whereby he says Spamalot—the Broadway campfest he's currently in—isn't about the music or the plot, it's about irreverent humor, and he also talks about the making of his new CD, which hopefully ISN'T about irreverent humor. Two points of interest: The webisode starts with an ad for Aiken's CD! That's the totally uncomplicated state of web journalism in 2008! And though I used to say Clay looks like kd lang, all I can think of now is that he SOUNDS exactly like local drag star Lady Bunny!

Joan Crawford Was a Drunken Slag! No, Really!

Posted by Michael Musto at 8:00 AM, April 9, 2008

A recent book contended that movie star Joan Crawford actually wasn't such a bad person after all. I burned it in the backyard along with my copy of Trog. But now comes a Gay City News interview with Rita Moreno, who reminds us of what an utterly insincere, attention-grabbing c-word Joan always strove to be. In remembering the 1962 night she won the Oscar for West Side Story, Moreno told interviewer David Noh:

"Joan was cohosting that night and she had her Pepsi Cola cooler in her dressing room filled with vodka, and the lady was bombed. I went into the wings and only then did I burst into tears. And she grabbed me, and there was one lone photographer in the wings...and she put her arms around me and pressed my face to her chest while he was taking pictures. She was built like a linebacker and I couldn't get out of her grasp. She kept saying, 'There, there, dear, don't feel bad!' And I kept saying, 'I don't feel bad! I don't feel bad!' And the photographer kept saying, 'Oh, Miss Crawford, we need to see Rita's face!' 'But the poor dear is upset,' she said, and in my muffled voice I kept saying, 'I'm not upset!' "

Amazingly, Lady C didn't snatch the Oscar out of Moreno's hands to add it to her collection and bash little Christina with it on the side. In fact, she generously sent a note a week later, thanking Moreno for visiting her in her dressing room when in fact Moreno had just been innocently standing in the wings. By the way, I could have sworn this exact same thing happened last year with Faye Dunaway and Jennifer Hudson!

The Greatest Show on Earth? Charlton Heston's Privates!

Posted by Michael Musto at 3:00 PM, April 7, 2008

Don't you hate when, in a fit of housecleaning, you throw some shit out you haven't touched in years, then the next day it turns out you suddenly need it! This has happened to me with all manner of sarongs, tiaras, dildos, and the Best Actor trophy from my high school "Sing." And now with a naked photo of Charlton Heston! I had ripped it out of a book, amazed that the hunky actor had shown it all for an arty portrait in which the lithe, lean body that was hinted at in Ben Hur veritably throbbed in all its unclothed glory. And the dick! Honey, it made you want to scream, "Get Hur!" (Or maybe "Big Ben!") That thing could cause a whole lot of agony and ecstasy! Anyway, I foolishly threw the photo out and now I wish I had it so I could post it for you good people and prove that, though he was an often hamfisted actor and a gun advocate, Heston was an extremely hot piece of work. And with that thing between his legs, he didn't need a gun. May his piece rest in peace.

Whitney and Bobby Were a Sham? What Next: Rosie and Tom Cruise?

Posted by Michael Musto at 3:00 PM, April 3, 2008

So in Bobby Brown's upcoming autobiography, according to Page Six, the r&b star says he feels Whitney mainly married him to "clean up" her image after all that lesbian talk started to reach every living organism? Can I get a "yes, Musto, you were right again, oh soothsayer prince?" Did I not say from the beginning—think back—that this was a sell-your-soul-music-to-the-devil setup designed to help careers and that codependency and enablement are what kept it going so freakin' long? There IS one thing I was wrong about, though. I always assumed it was skanky Bobby who dragged nice Whitney down the drug path with his evil ways, but according to him, she's the one who took HIM down the road of hard drug use and heavy self medicating. Well, as Whitney herself sang--or actually lipsynced--"Ho, say, can you see/By the bong's early light. . ."

READ
Page Six on Bobby's upcoming autobiography

Ellen Page Lesbianism Update: Why The Fuss?

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, April 2, 2008

My column this week goes into yet more sexuality talk about Juno star Ellen Page, so I’m bracing myself for the usual rounds of “How dare you?” and “Who cares?” In defense, let me once again get out the same rationales that I dug up when outing Methuselah and tell you why this sort of thing is OK. OK?

Firstly, a celebrity is a public figure whose life is regularly dissected by the media. By pursuing this high-profile profession and becoming a boldface name in the process, they’ve implicitly agreed to this kind of scrutiny (within the law and reason). I always find it amusing that no one ever complains when straight stuff comes out about them—you never hear, “How dare you say that male actor is dating that female actor? This is an outrageous invasion of privacy!” It’s only when the gay word comes up that people suddenly decide gossip is vulgar and irrelevant. But I personally feel that to gossip about every aspect of celebs’ lives EXCEPT the gay stuff is homophobic, hypocritical, and downright silly.

“But it hurts careers!” comes the inevitable response from the outraged. Well, I didn’t MAKE these people gay, I’m just saying they are. It’s up to them to come out or not, but it’s not up to ME to shut up about it. I’m not going to make homosexuality off limits because I might be tapping into the ethical failures of some bigots out there by speaking the truth. I don’t find homosexuality—or hints of it—distasteful at all and I’m not going to cater to those who do by shutting my trap on the subject. And if I should never say anything that might hurt a career, then maybe I should make a point of writing that Will Smith is white, Mel Brooks is young, and Norbit was a really good movie.

What’s more, Ellen Page—who may or may not be gay—is clearly playing along with all the speculation. She’s MAKING people talk by not giving definitive answers about her sexuality. She even did a sketch on Saturday Night Live that seemed to feed right into all the chit chat. By refusing to squawk, “How dare you! I am NOT a lesbian,” she’s letting us think that this kind of talk isn’t appalling to her at all. Even when her publicist called me, she never said, “She’s not a lesbian,” just “That was me with her at the Oscars” (though I hung up on her, so who knows what else she was going to say).

There’s even someone who’s gone on a lot of sites and shrieked that she knows who Ellen’s girlfriend is, even including the girlfriend’s supposed phone number. THAT’S going too far. I just need her address so I can send a wedding gift.

READ
This Week's La Dolce Musto: More Ellen Page Sexuality Talk

RuPaul Sashays into the DVD Stores

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, March 24, 2008

I have a feeling I know why I didn't get an official DVD of RuPaul's Starrbooty! movie in the mail; I'm quoted on the back of the box saying the film is "kickass," when all I actually wrote is that Ru plays "a kickass Pam Grier type"! I hadn't even seen the film at that point! But you know what? I'm dropping all lawsuits because I love RuPaul and besides, I adore ANY attention even more. Plus I have now finally rented the film—in which Ru's a sassy superhero who pretends to be a ho in order to avenge the abduction of her niece—and I want to advise you of some of the highlights:

*Ru elaborately passing gas in a pleased customer's face

*Ru being made to go down on the Lady Bunny's capacious privates

*Michael Lucas showing HIS capacious privates

*Sweetie giving head to a pickle while trying to lure johns

*Lahoma applauding as Ru tries on fashions by Forever 41

*Candis Cayne saying...no, you'll have to wait for the column for that one.

*And finally: Porn star Owen Hawke parading around in an "ouch-fit" and begging Ru to torture his balls

Kickass? Sure, why not?

Is Lindsay Outing Herself Via Jewelry?

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:00 PM, March 21, 2008

Lindsay Lohan has been spotted wearing a ring with the initials SR on it, and all the really savvy kids are buzzing about what that stands for: Sam Raimi? Sally Rand? Steve Reeves? No, celebitchy.com is pretty certain it's Samantha Ronson, the illustrious DJ and sibling of Mark who's suposedly Lindsay's lover, I mean girlfriend, I mean accomplice, I mean muff diving partner. If Samantha's wearing a ring that says LR (Lindsay Ronson), then we'll know this is for real.

Celebitchy.com Report

One Tear at a Time With Valerie Bertinelli

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:00 PM, March 18, 2008

In my entrancing column tomorrow you'll find a lively interview with One Day at a Time icon (and Jenny Craig star) Valerie Bertinelli, who confirmed to me that me she has a talk show in the works. The woman's a natural! She's tough talking like Dr. Phil yet speaks compassionately, sprinkling in all those new agey words like "gift" and "journey" to make her vaguely reminiscent of queen Oprah. At the Ladies Home Journal luncheon where I met Val, the actress turned best-selling author even broke down sobbing while admitting, “There’s still the little voice inside me that feels I don’t deserve all the good things that come to me, but I’m going to enjoy all this. It’s a gift!” She seemed so vulnerable I couldn't even bear to tell her that her favorite talk show, Rachael Ray—which she's a regular on—isn't getting renewed!

Update on My Update of Lindsay Lohan's Update

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, March 17, 2008

The hoopla over my recent Village Voice cover as Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe just won't end! First, Life & Style magazine ran the cover alongside Lindsay's and called it, "Best Nude-Cover Spoof" (of the week). As they wrote, "What's sexier than a naked Lindsay Lohan channeling Marilyn Monroe on the cover of New York magazine? Male gossip columnist Michael Musto embracing HIS inner Linds on the cover of the Village Voice!" Thank you, Life & Style! And I love that you had to identify me as male!

THEN I got a letter from a fan in an upstate correctional facility, who said he saw the spread on Regis and Kelly and it "went down like a bomb within the block." Now I know where my fan base is mainly located! The guy said he's desperate for an actual hard copy, as it were, so I might just head up there for a quickie conjugal visit, paper in hand! If I don't come back in two weeks. . .don't tell anybody

Britney's Umbrella Victim Speaks Out for the First Time

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:00 PM, March 10, 2008

I can always turn to the Atlantic magazine for deeply serious explorations of contempo political topics—like the April issue's interview with Dano, the photographer whose truck was beaten by Britney Spears with her umbrella, ella ella, eh, eh eh. In the article, called "Shooting Britney," Dano describes for the first time the mortal fear he faced as the hairless pop tart went after his vehicle with her Totes.

As the piece puts it, "The X17 guys had followed Britney to Kevin's house, but he wouldn't buzz her in. 'She wanted to see her kids,' Dano says. 'We came out and took pictures.' Then Spears and her friend Alli drove around to the corner of a Jiffy Lube, where Alli opened her door and asked the photographers to please leave them alone. Britney stuck her head out of the car, too. 'She took her hat off and she was bald,' Dano says of the moment that made him the most celebrated photographer in America that week. "She was breathing like a bull. It was like smoke was coming out of her nostrils. Then she leaps out of the door, screaming 'Motherfuckers!' "

Scary, right? Even more terrifying than Mary Poppins on a low sugar day? Well, no, actually. The article goes on to say, "When the umbrella attack video went viral, Dano put his Ford Explorer on eBay. Bidding went over $30,000 before he took the car off the market. Stills and videos of the incident sold for nearly $400,000." They did? Oooh! Come get me, you bald bitch!

Ruby Dee is Looking For Work—Please Help!

Posted by Michael Musto at 5:00 PM, March 6, 2008

All right, Ruby Dee didn't go home with the Oscar, but there are no losers at the Academy Awards—only people who have failed to win. And this little legend has a lot to say about theater, film, civil rights, and how to look foxy at 83. So book her! She'll come to your school, your library, and your friggin' home for all I know! And all you've gotta do is follow the instructions on this media blast (below) that was just sent out and shell over a few clams and a "pretty please." And voila—Ruby Dee will be at your doorstep faster than you can say "Tilda Swinton!" DON'T book the woman and she'll be at your doorstep anyway—slapping you even harder than she did to Denzel.

Many of us may already know, but for those of us who do not, Ms. Ruby Dee continues to be a powerful force in the entertainment world. Among her many accomplishments, Ms. Dee has authored two children's books titled, Tower to Heaven and Two Ways to Count to Ten. She has also written a book of poetry and short stories, My One Good Nerve, which she has adapted into a solo performance piece. In 2008, among other accomplishments, Ms. Dee has received the prestigious NAACP Image Award, was awarded the SAG (Screen Actor's Guild Award) for best actress, and was also nominated for an Oscar.

We are now accepting bookings for personal appearances and monologue/speaking engagements. Please contact us if you are interested in having an afternoon or evening with Ruby Dee, one of America's finest actresses.

Speaking Engagements
Monologue Engagements
Personal Appearances
Dramatic Readings

For More Info and Booking Information for Ms. Ruby Dee, Contact:

Randy Forrest, Sr.
President/CEO of Ma & Pa Productions
Booking Agency
757-638-1995
rforrestsr@aol.com
3036 Golden Hind Road
Chesapeake, VA 23321

Winona Ryder Insists on Showing Her Puppies!

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, March 4, 2008

The ever adorable Winona Ryder stole on the set of the upcoming Sex and Death 101—everyone's hearts, that is! Through nudity! (Awww.) According to writer/director Daniel Waters, "Even I was a little shocked when Winona insisted on rehearsing her love scene topless. Who was I to protest?. . .Winona was classically undisturbed, making Mrs Roper-like cracks about how she hadn't been on a date for 11 months. Laughing at the wit of a beautiful, charming, and unclothed actress while maintaining eye contact is something they don't teach you at Project Greenlight. I thought I was going to have to pass out neck braces to the crew." A straight crew? What kind of a sick movie IS this? In any case, someone should BUY Winona something to wear already! At Marc Jacobs!

Ellen Page Lesbian Sketch: What Does it Mean?

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:00 PM, March 3, 2008

I just figured out why, when Ellen Page's publicist Kelly Bush called me last week, the number on the Caller ID looked like NBC's. It's because it WAS NBC's. Bush was obviously calling from the set of Saturday Night Live, where Page was rehearsing for her hosting gig two nights ago. And though Bush had called to say it was SHE who accompanied Page to the Oscars and that's not an uncommon practice—i.e., don't assume that means anything about her client—Page did a sketch on SNL that had viewers instantly emailing each other with, "Did she just come out?" Well, I saw it and. . . of course she didn't. It’s comedy! The sketch—in which Page's character tries to explain to boyfriend Andy Samberg that having become all orgiastic at a lesbo concert doesn't mean she's a lesbo herself (“Gay? No way!”)—shows she's in on the talk and can have fun playing around with it. Just because she's playing a closet case doesn't necessarily mean she IS one. By the way, according to at least one website, my blog "seemed to be the impetus" for the sketch. But don't assume that makes ME gay.

Madonna's Leaking Again—and the World Responds

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, March 3, 2008

Madonna's upcoming single, "4 Minutes," somehow got leaked to French radio, and the kids on the bitchy site datalounge.com have found the link and taken a listen so they can weigh in on the Material Girl's newest material. Among the choicer comments there: "Funny how Madonna's latest singles always happen to get 'leaked'."; "It reminds me of another Madonna and former Mouseketeer song, 'Me Against The Music'."; "Why oh why won't she go away? She's worse than Cher"; "LOVE IT!!!"; "It's a vast improvement over the electronic bullshit she normally does"; "A theme song in search of a TV show"; "At least her voice is so badly distorted you can barely recognize it"; "This wall of overproduced sound is not pop music, but rather some kind of environmental background noise."; and, most poignantly, "Garbage!" Hey, sounds like a hit!

Ellen Page Sexuality Update

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, February 29, 2008

After speculating about the tomboyish Ellen Page's sexuality, I got a call which I only picked up because the number on the Caller ID was similar to NBC's and I thought it was going to be a TV booking. Instead it was Kelly Bush—Page's publicist and manager—who sounded as if her cat had just gotten stuck in a drainpipe or something. My item had been picked up on Defamer, Bush said, and she wanted me to know that it was SHE who was with Page at the Oscars (though I had been sardonically wondering if it was a mother/girlfriend/whatever). She named a couple of other starlets who also had reps with them at the awards and said it's by no means an unusual practice. (Now I'll have to wonder if THEY'RE gay too.) "I don't know why people are so mean," Bush whinnied in a wounded voice. "It's not mean to wonder if someone's gay," I shrieked, outraged. "But to call her an 'Oscar loser'?" she moaned. "I didn't say that!" I yelped. "Maybe you're illiterate," I added, triumphantly slamming down the phone. Of course maybe I'M the dummy. I later realized I HAD called Page an "Oscar loser" in a short, sassy column item, also questioning her love life. Defamer had picked up the BLOG item, and I thought that's what we were talking about. In any case, I like Ellen Page, who's an appealing talent, so I nobly took "Oscar loser" off the web version faster than Juno gives away her baby. But I'm still livid that a publicist who would never normally call me for anything is so quick on the horn to do spin control whenever the L word comes up! And now, we're back to square zero anyway: IS she?

(Update on the update: I was just reminded that Bush is not only the woman who called Ellen DeGeneres's animal shelter with threats, she's a lesbian.)