Health Care Doesn't Care: An Old Folks' Hospital Diary (Part One)

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, May 5, 2008

The American health care system is designed to make sure that old people get attended to in a sensitive, cost-efficient manner that humanely suits their needs. That's one theory.

Let me explain my bitterness. A while ago, my old father fell in the house and my almost-as-ancient mother tried to catch him and tumbled too. Hilarious! They ended up in a hospital—let's call it Lutheran—where mom stayed for rehab, while dad was moved to a rest home across the street (part of the same complex) for his own rehabilitation. But I was assigned the most demanding workout of all. Right away, the home's admission staff urged me to sign a mountainous stack of papers, mostly forms assuring that they'd get paid by any means necessary. (I nobly signed some of them.) They also made me autograph something saying the insurance provider just added a lovely $125 a day copay after a six-day stay! I reluctantly did so while thinking that Michael Moore was right to think the most harrowing movie you could make is about people who DO have insurance.

Oh, well, I thought. At least dad will be privy to all the medical services he needs. After all, this is a hospital complex and everything will be readily available, right? Think again, honey. When my father had to get the monthly injection required for his prostate condition, we had to pick up the drug at a freakin' Rite Aide, arrange for an ambulette (which you pay for in cash), get dad to his regular doctor's office to get the injection, then wait for the ambulette to come back and return him to the home. By the end of that ordeal, he looked like he'd fallen five more times.

(To be continued tomorrow. . .)

More People I Hate. . .

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:00 PM, April 9, 2008

I said Hermes, not herpes!

Black comics who try to sound "blacker" to pander to the audience.

Gay comics who try to sound LESS "gay" to pander to the audience.

People who say, "Let's get together this weekend," so you arrange something as a favor,
and then they stand you up.

Ninety-year-old relations (other people's, mind you) who can barely remember their own names, but WILL remember to ask you crushing things like, "When are you gonna become a real reporter?" (But I still love 'em. Other people's relations, that is.)

JPM Chase mortgage brokers who say they can get you 5.625%, then send you papers for 5.75%, then lock you in at 6.375%. And you're a "preferred customer"! (Again, this happened to, you know, someone else.)

Guys who promise you Hermes, but only give you herpes.

And mostly: Women who flirt with me in gay bars. Thanks, God. Got anything
with an appendage?

People I Hate...

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:35 PM, February 7, 2008

Note to TV reporters: this is 'Hillbilly Heroin.'

The ones who block an exit by standing there when 200 people are trying to leave.

A cashier who assumes that since you’re on your cell phone, you won’t notice they’re only giving you half your change.

Cab drivers who insist your credit card didn’t work for some obscure technical reason and you’ll have to pay in cash, knowing full well it DID work and they’ll get double payment.

Anyone who compulsively sends you dozens of useless old YouTube videos every day, assuming every single TV appearance of, say, Della Reese will prove endlessly fascinating.

The ones who take five days to answer—or even see—an email you sent, then wonder why they're complete failures.

“Gotcha!” types who e-mail in droves to say stuff like, “You misspelled Hillary.”

People who send MTV an unsolicited proposal, then spend years saying, “I’m in negotiation with MTV for a show.”

Guys who, without having been asked, tell you "I'm sober!" as coke dribbles out of their noses like whitewater rapids.

TV reporters who cover Heath Ledger's death without noting that Oxycontin is known as "hillbilly heroin."

Closeted gay celebrities who tell the press, “I have no sex life. I’m too busy for it!”

And Claymates! Though they've been nice enough to come to my blog in droves and lap up all the insults. Hi, dummos!