The Month in Politics, from Madonna to Hillary

Posted by Michael Musto at 1:30 PM, September 2, 2008

First Madonna compared John McCain to Hitler, which is the most facile, cynical, extremist thing you can say to get press. Yes, he's a Republican, which is horrible enough, but I honestly feel Nazi comparisons trivialize the Jewish experience, especially since McCain considered running with Lieberman, ha ha. Still, Madonna got the effect—and writeups—she needed to promote her tour, and she must have wet her panties when McCain moronically fired back that she's outrageous. She got a future President to respond to her in the midst of campaigning! And suddenly everyone forgot that Madge once withdrew a video of hers for fear it might seem too anti war or anti Bush.

Meanwhile, mouthy Michelle Obama seems to have been muzzled a bit. Did anyone notice that at the convention, when they panned to shots of her in the crowd, Michelle always seemed to be purposely keeping her trap shut, probably because advisers told her her smile is a little Grinch-like?

And one more broad with some very special flapping gums, Hillary Clinton, was praised to the heavens by the media last week, everyone agreeing that she's absolutely inspiring and should have absolutely been on the ticket in one form or another. It was a disgrace, they all agreed, that Hillary had somehow been denied a stab at returning to her White House. I guess they forgot that all through her campaign, they shot her down, called her a liar and a hypocrite, and did everything imaginable to scuttle her chances. What a bunch of forgetful fucking Nazis!

And now some of them are perversely greasing the wheels for the dreaded Sarah Palin to get her ass in there! The candidate who was chosen to appease women, but who feels women don't have a right to control their bodies! The dame who'll gladly smile for the camera while slashing a caribou's neck, but if you so much as mention abortion, she'll spew pea soup and spin her head like the spiky wheels of a garden weasel! And who looks like a freaking Lenscrafters commercial! This deceptively drab refugee from Northern Exposure, with the surname of a Monty Python founding member, has no place helping direct our savvy country.

Joe Biden is a Great Choice for VP!

Posted by Michael Musto at 4:58 PM, August 24, 2008

It makes perfect sense that John McCain picked Joe Biden as a running mate. After all, Biden seems to agree with McCain that Obama is too inexperienced for the White House and is basically sort of Paris Hilton with a suntan. What's more, Biden has praised McCain as "one of my heroes," not to mention a longtime friend and an exciting candidate.

So the McCain/Biden ticket has an unbeatable internal logic to it, and for once politics hasn't made for strange bedfellows. Oh, wait, it was Obama who picked Biden? Never mind.

John Edwards' Shocker Continues To Amaze

Posted by Michael Musto at 11:18 PM, August 10, 2008

I normally don't rejoice when a Democrat is caught being a sleaze, but the John Edwards mess is just too delicious to not pop a cork over it. I especially love that, though he vehemently lied and tried to cover the whole thing up, Edwards is now trying to look like the soul of discretion and honesty. He's swearing he isn't the baby's father and what's more, he's all too willing to take a paternity test to prove it. Alas, conveniently enough, Edwards' lady love, the former Ms. Druck, doesn't want such a test to happen, so it absolutely can't!

What a co-inky-dink! Could Edwards and the gal pal perchance have laid out this plan together, so that he'll look a little less squalid and the world will never have to know any more details that might dispel that image?

Making it all seem even harder to swallow, I love the excuse she gave for not wanting a paternity test taken--to protect the baby's privacy! As if this woman cares about privacy issues! The skank who slept with a married man who happens to be one of the highest profile politicians in the country! And who had a baby with him! (Maybe.)

And what about the baby's right to know who her freakin' father is? Does that not matter at all? Oh, well. I guess Druck can just privately tell the child: "It's the guy with the shiny hair on the cover of all these tabloids, honey."

Jesse Come Home, There's a Hole in the Bed Where We Slept

Posted by Michael Musto at 3:00 PM, July 15, 2008

While I was busy mourning the loss of my father, another passing—that of North Carolina Republican Jesse Helms—virtually slipped by me. But now that I've been able to confront this historic event, I want to say something important about the nature of our response. I feel very strongly that we shouldn't stoop to Helms's level and use his transitioning as a chance to be as callous and hateful as he was. Yes, the man was a vile, wretched bigot who putrefied the democratic system every time he got out of bed, but I don't feel anyone's death—even that of someone mealy-mouthed and unappetizing—should give us carte blanche to be in any way disrespectful of human life. Let's have some dignity, people. After all, the man died! For real! He's completely bye-bye! No more dumb-assed Jesse! Woo-hoo!!!!!!!!! (sound of champagne popping)

Shocking Obama Rumor Down The Toilet for Good

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, June 10, 2008

photo by Mollye Chudacoff

As you may have heard, some Nazi-type websites had been floating the rumor that Hillary was taking so long to back out of the nomination battle because she knew there was a tape that was soon going to surface of Michelle Obama talking bodaciously with Louis Farrakhan about the horrors of "whitey." Hill, swore the sources, knew this choice clip would sink all hopes for Obama—I guess his delegates would shoot themselves or something—and she'd somehow be rushed in as a last-minute replacement and soar all the way to the top spot by default. But the rumor didn't pan out, proving to be just another sick little right-wing fantasy. Oh, well, at least they were right about the gerbil.

PS: On finally "suspending" her campaign, Hillary made a point of congratulating Obama on "the extraordinary race he has run." Leave it to her to bring "race" into this one more time!

Kathy Griffin Craves Black Dick. Duh.

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, May 22, 2008

Gay.com has done a saucy feature on various notables and their thoughts about masturbation, and naturally, Kathy Griffin took her hand off her privates long enough to click out some answers. Here, for your orgasmic pleasure, is her q&a:

*Is there one particular celeb or famous person you think about most when you masturbate? Explain.

Griffin: Barack Obama. He is one delicious piece of semi-sweet chocolate.

*What is the most unusual place you have ever masturbated?

Griffin: On Barack Obama's tour bus. Luckily, he was doing an interview with Morley Safer at the time and no one even noticed I was there.

*Have you ever been caught and what did you do?

Griffin: So Michelle Obama walks in the tour bus, and . . .

Hillary's Pulling Out! As If!

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:00 PM, May 14, 2008

People are getting so antsy for Hillary to get the fuck out of the race already that this quest has even inspired a slew of epic poems. Well, all right, just one epic poem. But I have it right here for you, in all of its passion and ire, and it'll SEEM like a bunch of epic poems because it says everything that needs to be said about how extremely over the Hill we are. As an extra bonus, it's inspired by the Dr. Seuss classic, "Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now!"—but I'm sure you knew that.

Hillary Clinton Will You Please Get Out

an epic poem

By Jol Perez

it's time to get movin,
the bell it has rung,
it's time to get going,
you're no longer young.

so pack up your platforms
and unpinch your pout,
and go, run, dash, sprint
but get out, just get out.

I don't wish to holler,
I don't want to shout.
But Hillary Clinton,
would you please GET OUT?

How you go doesn't matter.
Really, when is the question,
See, we've dined on your cookies
and we got indigestion,

so we hereby relieve you
--oh, and thanks for your service.
Now please go while it's awkward;
in a sec i'll get nervous.

There's a door, it's an exit, from there you can start,
take a bold new direction—maybe you could make art.

You could lunge like a lion or swim like a trout.
just pick up your bags, ma'am, and please, ma'am, get out!

You can go by committee or by princely decree
or with Gerry Ferarro bent over your knee.

You could wave from the sunroof like a bold Mrs. Bhutto
or sign up with NASA on a mission to Pluto.

You could drive with Al Gore in a hybrid Toyota
or a couple goodfellas, Pesci and Liotta.

You could go Bernie-style with the dead Norman Mailer
or hitch up your wagon to an old FEMA trailer;

Make a Bosnian sequel starring Sheryl and Sinbad;
Write a memoir revealing you wanted to win bad.

You could call Brangelina or enlist Captain Kirk,
but you must get out now or this party won't work!

You could follow an inkling, a clue, or a hunch.
You could leave before dinner or right after brunch.

You can leave dressed in leather toting Bill in a collar,
but please, ma'am, i can't give a single more dollar.

Just leave while there's dignity, reasoned debate.
Or do you suppose I am asking too late?

Still there's a chance to depart with some clout
If you'd just leave right now and right now just get out.

You're making me holler.
I've no choice but shout:
Hillary Clinton,
Won't You
Please get OUT?

Health Care Doesn’t Care: An Old Folks' Hospital Diary (Fifth and last entry)

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, May 9, 2008

At one point, I got a NICE letter from the home, saying they still had some of dad's things and I should come pick them up. I schlepped all the way down there and had to wait 30 tedious minutes for them to find someone to get the stuff—mostly useless T shirts—out of storage. The emerging pain in my ass—uncovered by insurance—was getting more pronounced than ever. Months later, I got a whole other note saying there were yet more of dad’s belongings to pick up! After confirming this unlikely scenario with a phone call, I once again trekked all the way to south Brooklyn, only to sit there whimpering for almost an hour as the inept employees engaged in a comic scramble to find the haul. They weren’t even sure what it was! They couldn’t even find the woman who’d sent the notice! And she never responded to my messages, nor did the home’s director!

Alas, there was no trace of the stolen money either, but a letter came about that too. Not surprisingly, it said they’d looked around and couldn’t seem to find it. "The investigation involved a search of Mr. Musto’s room, closet, and surrounding areas," said the notice. Yeah, that’s how they stole it in the first place!

Note to self: Get hit by a truck on 70th birthday. Make sure it’s a clean hit.

Health Care Doesn’t Care: An Old Folks' Hospital Diary (Part Four)

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, May 8, 2008

Then came the bills—which we paid—and then the duplicate bills, which subtly strained to look new and unattended, but you can’t fool THIS cheapo. Next came a lab bill which said the insurance wouldn’t cover it—though they bizarrely had the wrong insurance company listed in tiny type! Then (let’s call it) Lutheran sent another bill, but I called and informed them we had already paid that amount. They obviously weren't listening because a collection agency then sent a notice demanding the very same sum. I wrote them back saying that I had the fucking canceled check in hand! They promptly dropped that, but sent a bill for a whole other amount—one that had never been brought up before! I sent them a letter asking for an explanation, but all I got in return was Lutheran coming up with a whole OTHER fee! Strangely, this was the first time they’d mentioned THIS whopping amount in the seventh months since my parents had left the place! And then came yet another all-new bill, plus they had someone calling us about that old amount—the one I had the canceled check for! If the folks had to deal with all these scams and loopholes on their own, they’d probably be homeless by now—but at least they’d be eligible for Medicaid.

(To be continued tomorrow. . .)

Health Care Doesn’t Care: An Old Folks' Hospital Diary (Part Three)

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, May 7, 2008

A week later, it became clear that dad was gonna finally get out of the nursing center—basically because the insurance wouldn’t pay up anymore. They'd obviously done SOME quality work for him to have exultantly made it to freedom, but the social worker claimed it was illegal that the staff hadn’t first checked the house to see if he’d be safe there. Fine, I could add that to my imaginary 100-page lawsuit—the one I’d file if I weren’t teetering on emotional collapse myself.

Emergency 24-hour aid, paid for by charity, was sent—for my folks, not for me—and I was thrilled. But they stopped coming after three days because my parents weren’t eligible for Medicaid! (Sidebar: To qualify for that, you have to either piss away all your assets or hide them away and act poor. You must be either a sad old loser or a tricky old codger—and there are lawyers instructing you on exactly how to do so. They’ll even help you along on that goal by taking very large fees!)

The social worker’s organization promptly sent over someone with a handy list of their approved home-care agencies that charge big bucks to keep you company. Desperate, I called one of the agencies, but they informed me, “We’re not licensed to do any lifting. He would have to get up and walk by himself.” But he can barely move! That’s why we need help! Another firm said their workers will not under any circumstance perform hygiene-related tasks. I guess they could talk you through it, though. (“Go on, wipe your heinie. Come on, move your ass to the bathroom and grab some paper...”) I finally found a place with helpers who supposedly did lifting, cleaning, and everything else—for your entire life’s fortune. I started keeping my coat on at nightclubs to save a few dollars a night.

(To be continued tomorrow. . .)

Health Care Doesn't Care: An Old Folks' Hospital Diary (Part Two)

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, May 6, 2008

Other little hardships were popping up like butt rashes. Dad's cash was mysteriously stolen from his room on his first day in the home--a lovely welcome. Worse, he fell off the bed because they didn't have the railings up. (Maybe they’d been stolen too.) He started healing from that, but two weeks later he slipped and fell again! “The railing was up on one side,” a worker explained to me in a sadistic monotone. What about the other side? “If we put two sides up, it’s a restraint,” she droned, simply. You can't argue with logic like that—and at least one more side was up than last time.

By now, I had no idea when he’d ever get out of this ridiculous hole. Talk about a restraint. The social worker had promised a meeting where we'd discuss his situation with the staff, but suddenly no one was saying another word about it. I sensed that they all wanted to keep dad there as long as the insurance would pay for it, and too bad if he wasn’t eating, kept falling, and had to shell over that copay.

Miraculously, my mom did get out—exactly when her full coverage expired, interestingly enough. Her at-home help was covered for a while too, but basically you get what you pay for. On the first day, the assigned woman was three hours late and on the second day she didn’t show up at all. The third day she came late and made herself lunch. And on the fourth day she rested.

Between hissy fits, I called dad’s social worker to beg for his own exit plan. “But he might fall in the house,” she said, pleadingly. “Well, he fell twice in the hospital,” I screeched. “How much worse can it get?” These people are geniuses at mumbo jumbo designed to distract you until the insurance runs out. Under pressure, she instructed me to call the head of rehab for more info about dad’s release. I did so, only to have the head of rehab cheerily say I should call the social worker! This was turning into a “Who’s on first?” routine, but without railings.

(To be continued tomorrow. . .)

PART ONE

Why We Won't Win The Election

Posted by Michael Musto at 8:45 AM, April 22, 2008

This should have been the easiest time in history for the Democrats to sweep into the White House. Dubya's approval rating is lower than Conan O'Brien's and everyone's fed up with the lies behind the war in Iraq as well as the terrifying state of the economy, both of which are hideously related. Anyone Democratic—even a reality show runner-up—would have pranced along and trounced anyone Republican at this point. It was a no brainer! But instead, our top candidates are a half-African-American and a woman who are dividing the party with their bitter fights, gradually alienating everyone who might have liked either one of them. I'm all for progress blah blah blah and can't wait to see the day when we have a black or female (or black female) President, but perhaps now was not the right time to experiment and put "risky" candidates up, not when we could so effortlessly have sailed in and taken over with someone more universally popular. Adding to that, the fact that these two have such equal appeal (and non-appeal) that they're going to fight to the finish line is tearing the party apart, and it's gotten much uglier than it needed to. It seems every time Obama is honest and incisive about the state of our country, he gets crucified for being "anti-American." His remarks about justifiably bitter Pennsylvanians and the power situations they cling to seemed spot-on to me, but of course Hillary used it to say he's elitist and out of touch and to score points about how uncomplicated and nice Pennsylvanians are (a pont of view which doesn't do them any favors). As the two gorgons battle it out, we're surely paving the way for the unbridled horror of President McCain! Our only hope right now is if we can catch McCain in a few "senior situations"--like maybe confusing Al Jazeera with Al Jarreau--but I suspect even that won't get us the Presidency. And I'm starting to wonder if we really deserve it.

New Book Claims Dick Cheney Was Young Once!

Posted by Michael Musto at 9:00 AM, April 1, 2008

Everybody loves young Dick, especially Michael Jackson, so USA Today op-ed columnist Bruce Kluger and his writing partner David Slavin have done a book called Young Dick Cheney: Great American, a faux bio for faux children about a faux, I mean very real, American hero. Kluger tells me, “It's a send-up of those historical bios we were force-fed in elementary school (e.g. Young Abe Lincoln), only this one's about our notorious Veep. I'm not crazy enough to think we'll get a rise out of Dick over the book, but we may have a shot at his wife.” A shot at his wife? Hopefully not with her hubby’s hunting gun! No, what Kluger actually means is “Our depiction of Lynne is (how do I put this?) sexually inflammatory.” Hmm, THAT should get a rise out of Dick.

Toy Story: Hillary's Become More Plastic Than Ever

Posted by Michael Musto at 3:00 PM, March 24, 2008

I was Googling "Obamakinz plush toy"—well, it was a slow day—and I came up with this site, which not only has that particular political plaything for sale, it offers a muscled Giuliani doll, a Cheney figure complete with "You Don't Know Dick" shirt and wayward shotgun, a Larry "I am not gay" Craig playmate, a cuddly Condi action figure, and a spiffily dressed Barack and Hillary dream team. These clever collectibles turn controversial icons into cute conversation pieces that mix accuracy with satire. Best of all is the talking Jesus Christ action figure (staff and sandals not included) reciting the 10 commandments that all the above figures seem to have forgotten. But where the hell is Spitzer's doll? Oh, yeah, she's busy recording her latest single.

http://www.vicalecorporation.com/SearchResult.aspx?CategoryID=5

Was Obama's Pastor Wright So Wrong?

Posted by Michael Musto at 10:20 AM, March 20, 2008

As the furor over Obama's pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright simmers down after the candidate gracefully tried to distance himself from the guy's remarks while refusing to totally disassociate himself with him, can we now finally say: What was so horrible about the comments? Since when is criticizing the biases of America deemed anti-American? Does saying "God damn America" mean you don't love our country and the precepts it's based on, which allow us to speak out against injustices and disappointments? So Wright feels America can be hypocritical and not only condones certain violence, but brings on more violence with its own actions?

Well, excuse me, but doesn't most of the country now agree that we went into Iraq under false pretenses and killed innocent people (including our own), all in the name of lending a hand and spreading democracy? Some of Wright's other utterances (about AIDS, for instance) seem sensationalistically kooky and Lord knows he goes overboard to make a point, but his racial remarks are often spot on. Who can deny that Hillary may be called all sorts of things, but she's never been called an n-word and she won't ever know what that's like? Are we supposed to pretend that people of color are really given equal rights in this country, or as Geraldine Ferraro feels, SPECIAL rights? (Maybe Ferraro should call Hillary an n-word just so Hill can say, "See? I was!")

Wright was vilified for speaking out and was subtly used by the opposition to paint Obama as a radical black who could be racially divisive. As a result, Obama had to pander by basically saying, "I never heard these remarks before. They're awful!" I'd love to know what he really thinks.

Iraq Around the Clock at Protest this Saturday

Posted by Michael Musto at 12:00 PM, March 19, 2008

While you're cleaning up the residual green vomit from St. Patty's Day and preparing to hide Easter eggs up your ass, how about doing something serious and profound? This week marks the fifth anniversary of the hideous U.S. invasion of Iraq, so this Saturday March 22 there'll be. . .a party? A dance-off? A voguing ball? No, not quite, it's more like a gathering where annoyed New Yorkers will mourn, speak, screech, and beg the powers that be to stop funding the occupation.

The event, "River to River: Join Hands for Peace," is scheduled like so:

12 noon, the length of 14th Street, from Ave. A to 11th Ave.: Thousands of New Yorkers will hold hands to symbolize unity in the call for peace and funding for our communities, not war.

1:00: Beginning at Ave. A and 11th Ave, there will be dual processions toward Park Ave.

2:00: Park Ave between 15th and 17th Streets. Commemoration, tolling of the bell, five minutes of silence and taps.

If you're still not motivated, consider this from the press release: "According to official government estimates, the cost of the war has topped $500 billion, of which $18 billion has come directly from New York City. To date, 3,990 U.S. military personnel have died in Iraq, a figure that does not count the number of wounded soldiers who have died from injuries sustained in battle or the more than 29,000 who have been wounded."

I feel more vomit coming on!

Hillary Becomes a Walking Punchline in New Book

Posted by Michael Musto at 2:26 PM, March 14, 2008

Hillary Clinton is not a joke, especially now that Geraldine Ferraro has been booted from the campaign for her assinine remarks. But Hill's been the SUBJECT of jokes, which is why Robert Myers had no problem filling 84 pages with all those setups and rimshots for his new book The Humor About Hillary (OutskirtsPress.com). Meyers tells me that Hillary's camp has tried to suppress the book's publication (as if they have nothing better to do). Well, I'll give you a few of the rip-roaring jokes you get in this esteemed tome and you can decide if they wanted to stop it because it's offensive or it just ain't the least bit funny.

"How many Hillary Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" "One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her."

"What do you get if you cross Hillary with a gorilla?" "Nothing. There are some things even a gorilla won't do."

"Why did Chelsea Clinton grow up confused?" "Because her father couldn't keep his pants on and her mother wanted to wear them."

Oy. Ha! Yuck! Bravo! Boo! Waa! Bring back Ferraro. Now THAT was funny!

Assassination Show Assassinated By Lawyers

Posted by Michael Musto at 2:25 PM, March 11, 2008

Yazmany Arboleda's gallery show—examining how the public has "assassinated" the reputation of Mrs. Clinton—has been temporarily shuttered due to pending legal action, as is cryptically described on the show's website. Ditto for the same artist's corresponding show about the "assassination" of Barack Obama. When will all the assassinating end? Can't art shows whorishly trying to ensnare attention with sensationalized titles verging on irresponsibility be just roundly spanked, not shot down—I mean SHUT down?

In Praise of Eliot "John" Spitzer

Posted by Michael Musto at 3:39 PM, March 10, 2008

As the Eliot Spitzer scandal develops into a phenomenon, I have to say that his apology was concise and at least he didn't grandstand or bullshit the way Jim McGreevey did. ("I am a Pay-for-Play American" would have probably sounded a sour note with the public.) I also feel it's important to note that consensual sex between adults might have been idiotic and super indiscreet in this case, but it should hardly be a cause for burning at the steak house, much as with Bill Clinton's overrated dalliances. Of course in this instance, Spitzer paid and transported the woman and probably had more than just under-the-table oral action, if you will. But still, the douche should simply be made to grovel and apologize--mainly to his family--and probably just move on. Besides, who even knows who'd take over if he stepped down? Who's the fuck is the Lieutenant Governor? I have no idea. I didn't even know Spitzer was the Governor!

Hillary and Barack Have Been Shot! For Photographs and Art Works!

Posted by Michael Musto at 11:13 AM, March 5, 2008

I love me a good exploitive title that’s designed “to prompt and encourage debates and dialogue,” but which is mainly designed to get press. (At least I’m not pretending I’m on the cover of this week’s Voice as a nude Lindsay Lohan for any other reason than to whorishly grab at some attention—and baby, it’s working.) But the truth is, artist Yazmany Arboleda’s shows, "The Assassination of Hillary Clinton" and "The Assassination of Barack Obama" seem to have some very interesting work in them, dabbling in all the biases and preconceptions about the first serious female and African American Prez campaigners. Both shows “explore the figurative but highly effective attempts by the American populace to assassinate the reputations” of these two Presidential wannabes. More to the point might be the way they’ve been trying to assassinate each OTHER, but in the meantime, you can see these shows at Leah Keller Gallery (576 West 24th Street) and Naomi Gates Gallery (594 West 22nd Street), but only by appointment. And please check all bags.

http://www.theassassinationofhillaryclinton.com

http://www.theassassinationofbarackobama.com