But I'm back and ready to ask it one more time.

Ever fall in love with an animated figure?

And all I could find was some oral action, a hand job, and a dark room where other shenanigans were going on, but you couldn't see it so it was like a tree falling in the forest. A very large tree.

But various sources have since told me what I missed:

Punching and slapping episodes (and not by Chris Brown).

A guy inserting an eight ball into some human orifice. (A hole in one, as it were.)

A guy walks by on the street with the body of doom and your eyes pop out, gleefully entertained.

Naturally, your line of vision quickly drops down to the crotch level out of mere human curiosity.

You assume the package will match the stunning bounty that surrounds it, since most street-hotties happen to be sizzling from head to toe.

But you become even more disappointed than you were when you didn't get cha-cha heels for Christmas.

A couple of years ago, I had to fly to L.A. to do a major TV appearance. I absolutely couldn't fuck this up.

I hailed a cab to JFK and efficiently prepared to check in.

But as I looked at my sheet of paper with the travel information, I realized my flight was actually leaving out of Newark!

It was total gay heart attack time. I would have helicoptered to Newark if I could -- or just run like the dickens, with my carry-on bag in hand.

Instead, I hailed another cab and started praying.

Love & Other Drugs has Jake Gyllenhaal falling for Parkinson's sufferer Anne Hathaway, his once-callow personality tested by the possible commitment to a challenging situation.

But this being Hollywood, Hathaway's character is only in Phase One of the illness. In other words, her hands shake a little on occasion, and that's about the extent of it!

She's gorgeously composed except for a slight hand tremor!

Cher once had problems coming to terms with her daughter Chastity's lesbianism, and now she admits she still wrestles with being totally comfortable regarding Chastity's transitioning to Chaz Bono.

The Oscar-winning singer/actress still gets the pronouns wrong and sometimes forgets to say "he," but something about the way she's so honest about this is quite disarming and you end up understanding her fallibility and sort of liking her, as always.

The moment in When a Stranger Calls when Carol Kane is told by the police, "The call is coming from inside your house!"

Runner-up: In Psycho, when Anthony Perkins's mother is spun around in her chair and turns out to be a worm-eaten skeleton.

Any others?

I've witnessed it on the street, and it's deeply disturbing.

Yeah, I do talk to myself sometimes, but at least that's a person I'm talking to!

But holding a conversation with a pet? It's rather one-sided, and besides, it tends to scream out your loneliness to the masses in a blaringly poignant way.

Or even 12 pounds by Tuesday.

So what do I do?

Cut out carbs, sugar, and everything else I like?

Vomit?

Not eat anything at all, so I won't even have to blow chunks?

Get head-to-toe lipo?

Get sick?

Cut my nails?

Help!

Big Enchilada.

First, the branch on 28th Street shuttered, and I recently noticed that the one on 12th Street has said adios as well, tragically enough.