It turns out it's not Madonna who has healing powers, despite having given birth to Lourdes. It's Britney, bitch! Proof of that is a BBC documentary called Britney Spears Saved My Life, and you'll simply have to believe me on that since I haven't lied to you that often before.

According to this Newsweek piece about the documentary, it includes an 18-year-old who embraced his gay sexuality thanks to the navel-bearing superstar. (Maybe looking at her without hair and having a public meltdown made him say, "You know what? It's men that are attractive.") It also covers a 15-year-old girl who overcame her eating disorder thanks to Brit. (Perhaps she saw the debilitating effects of Spam, Ho-Hos, and Chuck E. Cheese, and went organic instead.)

But seriously, folks, Britney has had an uplifting effect on the youth of the world, and even on some old-timers. She sure perked up my press portfolio last week because I'm quoted in the article!

Jenn Harris as Britney.

Britney Spears' life would surely make for a fabulous Greek tragedy—even though HER idea of one is a Greek salad with too much feta cheese—but can the pop tart's bizarre plight constitute a tragiCOMEDY? Maybe, if the facts are altered a little bit for a more dramatically pleasing arc and a professional actress plays the role.

That's what's apparently happened with Steven Levenson's Girls Day, or Britney and Tara Stare Into the Void and the Void Stares Back, the play with the unwieldy title, coming to Ace of Clubs (9 Great Jones Street) starting May 11.

The plot? Well, in case you haven't picked up a tabloid in the last year and taken drugs and used your imagination, here goes: "Dateline: L.A. March 21, 2007. Britney Spears checks out of Promises Treatment Center after a one-month stint. So what's next for the derailed pop princess? GIRLS DAY, natch! Britney calls up gal pal Tara Reid to join her for one special, unforgettable day. An American tragedy, with special guest appearances by Jayden James, Sean Preston, a publicist, a social worker and, of course, K-Fed."

They had me until that last part. While I suspect off-Broadway is just where Britney belongs (and actually started, in a musical called Ruthless), I fear it's way too good for Mr. FedEx!

I can always turn to the Atlantic magazine for deeply serious explorations of contempo political topics—like the April issue's interview with Dano, the photographer whose truck was beaten by Britney Spears with her umbrella, ella ella, eh, eh eh. In the article, called "Shooting Britney," Dano describes for the first time the mortal fear he faced as the hairless pop tart went after his vehicle with her Totes.

As the piece puts it, "The X17 guys had followed Britney to Kevin's house, but he wouldn't buzz her in. 'She wanted to see her kids,' Dano says. 'We came out and took pictures.' Then Spears and her friend Alli drove around to the corner of a Jiffy Lube, where Alli opened her door and asked the photographers to please leave them alone. Britney stuck her head out of the car, too. 'She took her hat off and she was bald,' Dano says of the moment that made him the most celebrated photographer in America that week. "She was breathing like a bull. It was like smoke was coming out of her nostrils. Then she leaps out of the door, screaming 'Motherfuckers!' "

Scary, right? Even more terrifying than Mary Poppins on a low sugar day? Well, no, actually. The article goes on to say, "When the umbrella attack video went viral, Dano put his Ford Explorer on eBay. Bidding went over $30,000 before he took the car off the market. Stills and videos of the incident sold for nearly $400,000." They did? Oooh! Come get me, you bald bitch!

What exactly is a Sam Lutfi—the guy who's been demonized as the Howard K. Stern of Britney's life, supposedly dragging the pop tart into a psycho state while serving as her friend and manager? Well, I did a massive Internet search for you—or actually, I just looked at BritneyBash.com—and found the following tidbits: He's had various tax liens and lawsuits brought against him and some lovely restraining orders too; he was rumored to have stolen Britney's diary in an attempt to peddle it for millions (but he denied there even WAS a diary); he's known for a raging temper that can lead to very nasty threats and maybe even icky violence; an ex-associate of his claims Lutfi deals in "emotional blackmail and extortion" and at one point told the guy everyone hates him and he should just kill himself; and most damagingly of all, he produced a 48-minute film about dirt biking.

Otherwise, he's really nice. Sheesh, just learning this shit makes ME want to get out a restraining order. By the way, the funnest fact of all about Mr. Lutfi is that his first name is shortened from Osamah. Any connection?

But wait, stop the Press-on nails, I mean the presses. Britney needn't worry anymore! As Lutfi is pushed out, all control of her estate and well being has gone to her father! Safety at last! Except he's a complete nightmare too and Britney's fighting to get the control back!

While the grisly tabloid media gathers 'round various messy starlets and holds a daily death watch on them, I'm accentuating the positive and instituting a Britney LIFE watch because that's the kind of optimistic rim queen I am! I'm going to dig into my trash pail and scour the news on a regular basis to search for signs that my toxic little lady will continue to live and breathe, and I'm sorry if that offends the buzzards a little. So Britney missed her child custody hearing the other day? Well, that's proof that she's actually living and thinking things through and making significant choices, even if they're totally the wrong ones! A real death zombie would have shown up! So she was waltzing naked around a boutique and doing loud things with her latest boyfriend in the dressing room? Again, that's a sign that she's not only fully ambulatory, but that her mouth AND vagina are all revved up and working—and the "fuck you" she gave an employee on leaving shows that her intellectual level hasn't gone down a smidge! All signs look good for my Britney. It's been 26 whole years and damned if she ain't still alive!