A ferocious showdown between a highly respected critic and a spiraling TV star.

See, I just got this Tweet from esteemed film critic Roger Ebert:

"Charlie Sheen made fun of my cancer because I dissed him in Wall Street?

"Dude, you ain't seen me in my attack mode."

Except for three video segments, it consisted of Charlie being interviewed by ex VJ Simon Rex, with pop-ins from obviously planted random audience members, a celeb or two, and some obligatory whores.

Charlie's more memorable comments from the show included this statement about Ozzy Osborne: "That guy's radical, but stop talking! Sing!"

When Actor's Studio interrogator James Lipton came onstage and asked Charlie his favorite curse word, he replied: "It's either 'fuck' or 'Denise.' "

That later reminded him that "I couldn't find in marriage what I found now -- two girls!"

And as for ex co-star Jon Cryer:

Where will the too-whack-for-prime-time wildman be?

I've narrowed it down to a handful of choices, some less unsavory than others:

*An AA sponsor?

A new director is being brought in, someone who's done lots of arena shows.

A playwright is coming in to doctor up the script.

I just asked Charlie's publicist for press tickets to cover the My Violent Torpedo of Truth tour when it comes to Radio City in April -- could any sane pop cultural reporter afford to miss this thing? -- and he said he'd try, but he doesn't think there will be media tickets for the show.

Can you blame them?

After all:

(A) Charlie doesn't exactly need any help in generating press these days. He opens his mouth, and 800 camera crews jump in. Why invite reporters when Sheen couldn't possibly get any more coverage if he tried?

(B) Not handing out press comps is a way to save cash so Charlie will have even more bundles to spend on whores, prescriptions, and alimony.

(C) This show might not exactly be the kind of thing you'd want people to come in and review. Driving Miss Daisy it's not, unless Miss Daisy is a prostitute and he's driving her to the booze and drug emporium.

But despite everything I may have written, I am suddenly more desperate to see this thing than anything since Disney on Ice.

Get me press comps!!

I mean, the man isn't going to go away anytime soon.

He's going to continue to seize headlines with his self-aggrandizing dance of pride in his idiocy, squirting water down our pants while beeping his big, red clown nose.

So you can either sit there and fume about it or just drink the Kool-Aid and go, "Fun guy! Let's hear what else he has to say!"

I'm choosing the latter option. Charlie is fabulous!

True, he recently called co-star Jon Cryer a troll for not coming to his defense. (Gee, maybe that was because Cryer lived in constant terror that the show would be jeopardized by Charlie's behavior, which it ultimately was).

And now, Charlie is leveling lawsuits against Warner Brothers, claiming he wants to marry a tree, and threatening live shows where he'll unveil his "torpedo of truth" (which I'd imagine is pretty small).

But rather than call the police, I'll be there, listening. He's worn me down. He's totally won. I'm on his team. I can't fight this rampaging parade of insecure attention-grabbing anymore. Yay, Charlie!

I even wish I was a hot young female tree!

And how does Sheen respond?

With mumbo-jumbo statements, a machete dance on a rooftop, shrieks of "breach of contract," and whooping calls of "Free at last!"

Well, if Charlie's so glad to be freed of his contract, why is he threatening to sue them for their supposed breaking of it?

And isn't he the one who broke it with his nonstop string of unprofessional shenanigans?

Among my highly illuminating bon mots:

What do you say to him?

*"I am so proud of you for not only living your dream, but for getting this show so much press! Thank you, Chuck!"

Was it mouthy Mel Gibson for spewing even more hatred than critics leveled at Air America?