​That's pretty much what a friend told me the other day, and before you reach for the straitjacket, let me inform you that he's an educated and quite savvy person who does leave the house a lot.

"I am blown away by the Jessica Simpson Xmas special on PBS," he texted me, ecstatic and totally sober.

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Christopher Wellner

​Yes, the singing lovely who thought Chicken of the Sea was chicken--or at least who read that observation off a prompter--has figured out the future of her womb and decided that if she isn't settled down by 40 (and at this rate, I wouldn't count on it), she'll turn to her best friend and gay hairdresser Ken Paves.

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