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Chatty Kathy Griffin just called to tell me about the time she confronted Michele Bachmann on an escalator at an official government dinner.

You'll spit out your Jamba Juice when you hear the result.

It's in this week's column, a zingy and hilarious chat with caustic Kathy, who also tells me:

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​CLICK HERE to devour the new column, which reports that Kathy Griffin was asked by a journalist about Anderson Cooper's love life, and my name came up in the question!

In the same column, I broke my rule of never speaking to a reality show star by chatting up The Real Housewives Of New York City's Countess LuAnn de Lesseps.

And she told me to get a massage!

That's it! I'm going back to my no-reality-star rule!

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​We've had a couple of days to recover from Comedy Central's roast of veteran funny lady Joan Rivers, and now that the wonderfully putrid air has cleared, we can look back and remember the choicest bits of appallingly hilarious indecorum (not all of them aimed at Rivers, by the way.)

Among the most memorable:

Kathy Griffin: "Tonight's going to be gayer than that kid from American Idol this year--Ryan Seacrest!"

Greg Giraldo: "What's with the surgery, Kathy? You've been stitched up thousands of times, but you're still sad to look at. You're like the AIDS quilt."

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The crowd at the Apollo, that's who. The saucy comic made an appearance at the landmark Harlem theater last night, and I hear she got booed off the stage! Apparently the audience found her dissy antics more D-list than dee-licious.

I was just sent a link to the HX interview with motormouth Kathy Griffin by editor John Russell, who deadpanned, "Apparently it's a towering achievement of faggoty journalism. Links and gratuitous ass-kissing appreciated!" Well, I'm gonna need him to lick MY ass when my next book comes out, so here it is, folks! Besides, it IS a towering faggoty achievement, in which Russell gets the Grif to talk about Anderson Cooper's huge appeal, why she loves the unshockable gays, and the fact that CNN has already asked her back for next New Year's! D-list my ass!

What does it take to be a female comic nowadays? Oh, I don't know--a mouth like a chainsaw, a wit like a pickaxe, and no fear whatsoever of libel. The most prominent funny ladies in the business right now are political-correctness shatterers who dare to say outrageous things (Sarah Silverman, Lisa Lampanelli) or campy fashionplates who talk wicked trash about celebrities (Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler) while becoming one themselves. I like them all--even Janice Dickinson, who isn't a comedian, but says stinging things for comic effect--but I wonder why no-holds-barred aggression seems to be the main way women can grab a comedy spotlight.

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Let's go through all the stereotypical ways, shall we?

*Gay men like dogs, lesbians like cats.

*Gay men like to dress like women, lesbians like to dress like men.

*Gay men like Calvin Klein Eternity, lesbians like potpourri.

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That very straight team of Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin had a lot of fun hosting New Year's Eve on CNN, with the help of Tom Cruise, David Spade, and a drag queen in a giant descending high heel. But the most flaming moment of all had Kathy--perhaps not knowing she was still on the air--yelling at a heckler, "I don't go to YOUR job and knock the dicks out of your mouth." Watching all this, I felt like I was ringing in the new year at Barracuda--even more so whenever Anderson would giggle at Kathy and say, "Oh, honey!"

Gay.com has done a saucy feature on various notables and their thoughts about masturbation, and naturally, Kathy Griffin took her hand off her privates long enough to click out some answers. Here, for your orgasmic pleasure, is her q&a:

*Is there one particular celeb or famous person you think about most when you masturbate? Explain.

Griffin: Barack Obama. He is one delicious piece of semi-sweet chocolate.

*What is the most unusual place you have ever masturbated?

Griffin: On Barack Obama's tour bus. Luckily, he was doing an interview with Morley Safer at the time and no one even noticed I was there.

*Have you ever been caught and what did you do?

Griffin: So Michelle Obama walks in the tour bus, and . . .

Kathy Griffin is no dumb piece of work. The kooky comic knows that her audience consists largely of screaming queens wearing glitter gloss—and some macho gays too! So she's giving an interview to A Bear's Life, the super masculine magazine that lends "a gruff voice and furry face to an integral part of the GLBT community." And you can be part of it! The mag—which I don't happen to have a subscription to—is asking people to click on their site (abearslifemag.com) and submit a query to gruff, furry Kathy. The obvious first question would have to be about her ex husband!