Who Should Star in Annie and Funny Girl?

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Both amazingly fun musicals are headed to Broadway as I wet myself with excitement, and neither has been cast yet.

So it's up to us to start pitching for our faves:

For Annie, how about Sarah Jessica Parker--who once played the title role--as the lovably evil Miss Hannigan?

The stunt-casting publicity alone would make it a hit.

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American Idol Runner-Up Comes To Broadway--Again!

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Constantine Maroulis was a replacement player in The Wedding Singer opposite Broadway baby Amy Spanger, but now he gets to originate a role--once more opposite Ms. Spanger--in the jukebox show Rock of Ages. CLICK HERE on the new column and find out what the Greek-American singer has to say about arena rock, Nickelback, his movie star dreams, and whether he's mad about having been bumped from A.I. a few years ago. In fact, he explains why it happened in the first place!

There's also dish about Sarah Jessica's marriage, Octo-mom's appeal, and why no one cares about Paris Hilton anymore except me!

Pedophile Nazi Wins Oscar! Pedophile Priest Loses To Corpse!

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How gay were the Oscars? Well, Queen Latifah sat with her trainer girlfriend; Hugh Jackman sat on Frank Langella's lap; Beyonce sang "Over The Rainbow"; Milk writer Dustin Lance Black and star Sean Penn gave stirring speeches about how God loves the gays; and kisses from that film were included in the romance AND comedy montages!

Unfortunately, the ratings were probably so bad they can now blame queers for one more thing!

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Who Are The Nicest Celebs? (To Me, Anyway!)

As someone who regularly deals with bold-faced names in all their glitzy grandeur, I appreciate the celebrities who are gracious, charming, and slap you on the back, not with a restraining order. Through the years, I've brilliantly noted that some stars are way more savvy in dealing with press wretches like me than others. The best of these icons positively sparkle, going out of their way to be utterly delightful when they run into you, in some cases distracting you from the fact that they probably have a prison record and some body parts in the attic. Their behavior truly pays off. In being so nice to the press, they engender lots of good will—and now they've even gotten this blog post about which of them are the nicest of all:

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My All-Powerful Blog Removes Moles and Warts

photo graciously borrowed from I'mNotObsessed.com

On June 16, I ran a post wondering why various celebrities don't have their moles burned off. After all, I pointed out, it's a simple, painless, and relatively cheap procedure—and if it weren't, I wouldn't have had it done several times! Well, a few weeks ago came word that, according to sources, Sarah Jessica Parker had finally had her mole removed! She lanced it right off, probably pretending it was Kim Cattrall! Now I'm not taking credit for this turn of derma-events—necessarily—but let me try to throw one other celeb-related suggestion out there and we'll see if it comes true: Tom and Katie, why don't you take little Suri out to be photographed?

The Sex and the City Movie Should Have Featured More of Us, Right?

Now that everyone and their pilattes instructor has seen the Sex and the City movie, can we talk about how there should maybe have been some cooler downtowny (or even uptowny) types in cameos, like the show used to have? Oh, well, at least I did spot riotous rock chick Bridget Everett—who turned my book party upside down—in the montage of people interviewing to be Carrie's assistant. (Alas, she didn't get the job. Jennifer Hudson did and was required to be hopelessly googoo-eyed and corny.) And there was Seventh Avenue biggie Fern Mallis sitting in the front row at the gratuitous yet somehow absolutely necessary fashion show. And someone else spotted shopping demon Plum Sykes in that scene too. And that guy with three names from Vogue was fussing around with shmattes in the wedding shoot montage. And Egyptian performer Sultana told me that he had shot an extra role—out of drag—though I didn't see him any more than I saw anyone IN drag (except for Kim Cattrall). [Update: Sultana was in the fashion show scene too. That was clearly where they decided to pack in all the glamorous guest stars rather than make them bathroom attendants in Mexico, dealing with Charlotte's diarrhea.] But where was, oh, I don't know....ME?????

Separate question: When Cattrall put raw fish all over her nude body, did anyone find it mildly redundant? Oh, hush! That's just sick! What's wrong with you people?

Sarah Jessica's "Sad, Dark" Child Star Origins

Unlike most child stars, Sarah Jessica Parker hasn't grown up to be a crack addict, serial killer, or reality show star. In fact, she's done quite splendidly while keeping her wit and professionalism about her and not even driving drunk or without the proper accessories. And a new memoir, Put on a Happy Face by Broadway songwriter Charles Strouse, reminds us of just how effortlessly she started out in the biz, with no failure to launch whatsoever.

Well, maybe just a little. When Sarah Jessica was nine and appearing in an off-Broadway revue of Strouse's songs, he desperately wanted her to go into his wildly successful family musical Annie, but everyone else involved in that show said no way! They were certain the future superstar was "too sad looking" and "too dark" to score in that project. (Real visionaries, huh?) Well, Strouse insisted and SJP got the part of an orphan, eventually clawing her way to the title role of the moppet with the saucer eyes, fright wig, and scary optimism. She rocked—and after that, going from Daddy Warbucks to Mr. Big probably wasn't THAT much of a stretch.