This June--just in time for the anniversary of her brother's death--bottom-feeding La Toya Jackson will release Starting Over, a tell-all book, big surprise.

Here's the plug for the book, and in parenthesis are wicked asides made either by posters on Datalounge.com or by myself:

"In this explosive tell-all, the sibling with the closest relationship to Michael (LOL) reveals...this intimate portrait of a beloved, yet deeply troubled, pop legend. (NOT AS TROUBLED AS LATOYA.)

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Ex Madam Kristin Davis--who was a protest candidate for her ex-client Eliot Spitzer's gubernatorial position, running on a platform of decriminalizing prostitution--has a whole new position.

She detests the Lifetime movie The Craigslist Killer!

Says Davis:

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What's the male equivalent of a cougar? A dirty letch?

Whatever the case, 84-year-old Playboy founder Hugh Hefner just tweeted his Christmas Eve engagement to Crystal Harris, December 2009's Playmate of the Month.

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The King's crown.

This just in:

"In a last-minute edition to Heritage Auctions' Aug. 14 Ultimate Elvis Auction at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, the auction house has announced that a large quantity of Elvis Presley's hair, cut from his trademark pompadour and originating in the collection of his personal barber, Homer Gilleland, will be auctioned off as part of this weekend's event.

"The hair is expected to bring as much as $20,000."

It turns out the crafty Homer would save bunches of Elvis's hair after he cut it, and would gift friends with the stuff.

Years later, someone has gifted it right back, to be auctioned off as a cultural hair-loom.

So now, diehard Elvis freaks can bid on the king's dark, spiky locks, but not me. All I ever wanted was a $40 Elvis lava lamp and a chance to negotiate with whoever did Madonna's last Brazilian wax.

According to a new Animal Planet documentary, the king of pop's pet chimp lives in an ape center in Florida and hasn't been told of Michael's death, even though we're informed, "Michael was a mother figure to him."

The chimp is carefully protected from all manner of jolts and exploitation, but when LaToya smells a camera crew and wants to reunite with the creature, all systems are go.

The chimpkeeper warns her, of course, that Bubbles spits a lot.

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You know, the one with the guy with pancreatic cancer who says he was thrilled to find the Cancer Treatment Centers of America because there wasn't the defeating air of doom he'd encountered in other places.

"The hospital just breeds an environment of hope," he beams, looking extremely healthy.

"Every time we'd go up there, I just knew it would be a good result.

"You could just see the joy on the doctor's face."

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Anti-gay hatemonger Rush Limbaugh just married a woman who's 26 years younger in Palm Springs---in fact, she's 26 years younger everywhere--but that's not the vomity part.

The vomity part is that lord queen Elton John sang at the wedding!

Our out gay pal--who does so much for our cause when he's thinking, um, straight--pocketed a cool million to help validate the twisted family values of a man who's done even more to fuck with gay rights than he's done to help Mexican production of OxyContin.

Why, Elton, why?

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Spirit Airlines just announced a fee for carry-on bags put in the overhead, but now the Dublin-based Ryanair is going several nervy miles above that.

They're considering charging people every time they use the bathroom on short flights!

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At the cozy Hell's Kitchen hangout Bar-Tini Ultra Lounge and Resort the other night, drag star Epiphany told me something very wise.

She observed that one good thing about the recession is that there's way less date rape.

Said Epiphany, "You think this is the '90s, when we could afford to get people drunk besides ourselves?"

Good point! In a massive budget crunch, clubbies are hording their roofies for themselves!

But just to be safe, when she so generously brought me a Diet Coke, I didn't touch it.

Turkish Cuisine is the name of a long-running Hell's Kitchen eatery, which is sort of like calling a restaurant abroad "American Food."

But that's not the problem.

While the menu at Turkish Cuisine is absolutely fine, the waitresses are clearly operating under a proverbial guillotine, trying every imaginable trick to drag extra dollars out of your pants.

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