My Surreal Adventure with Modern Dance

Categories: Featured

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I think it's very important to see modern dance once a year, as if going for a physical, especially if dragged by a friend with some culture in his bones and a really strong headlock.

And so, on Saturday night, I found myself atypically watching Pilobolus, the dance troupe that consists of clutching, contorting bodies, at the Joyce Theater, where their artsy-cluster-fuck performance had me bopping my head as if I belonged there.


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Question About The Stock Market Nosedive

Categories: Featured

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So just last week, everyone was freaking about how some legislation averting a national default would have to be signed by the bigwigs or the market would crash faster than a ValuJet.

And then various people made unspeakably whorish compromises and something was signed, practically at the last minute, as the world held its bad breath.


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Use These Three Words In A Sentence

Categories: Featured

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There are three trendy-shmendy, foreign-sounding words that are always bandied about in liberal journals, so let's put them together in a way that makes sense and in fact helps illuminate current events.

Think of it as an intellectual challenge, the reward being your own surprising cogency under immense pressure.

The words are:

hubris

schadenfreude


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He's So Dumb....

Categories: Featured

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He has to get naked to count to 21.

It takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

He thinks an innuendo is an Italian suppository.

He tripped over a cordless phone.

He has to go into a dressing room to change his mind.

He stole a free sample.


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Ballet Opening Gala Brings Out The Hair!

Categories: Featured

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Photo by Christian Svoboda

Socialites wore their best gowns and biggest coifs for the ABT opening-night gala at the Met, which made it a bad idea to nab a seat right behind them.

What you witnessed from a better perch were snippets of the ballet company's upcoming season -- some old, some new, all swell -- though the biggest crowd-pleasing act, as usual, was when dancers twirled over and over till they looked dizzier than a socalite's hairdresser.

For this crowd, you spin, you win.


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The Most Cliched Current Expression! Make It Stop!

Categories: Featured

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The only good thing about this particular cliché is that it's wiped away all the old ones, like:

"My bad"

"It's all good"

"Narrative"

"Journey"

"Epic fail"

"Love your hair, hope you win"

And ...

"Winning!"

But still, if I ever hear this one more time, I will rip my nipples off!

I'm talking about ...


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World Ending Saturday! I'm Scared!

Categories: Featured

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First, I had to deal with the World nightclub closing sometime in the '90s, as I traumatically recall every single waking moment of my life.

But now the whole world is ending!!!!

If you believe Reverend Harold Camping -- and why would he lie? -- this Saturday at 6 p.m., bad shit is going to go down and 2 percent of the populace will be "raptured" to heaven while the rest is ruptured to a way lower berth.


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Kobe Bryant Fined for Gay Slur! I Know Which Epithets Are Next!

Categories: Featured

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So leggy Laker Kobe Bryant has been slapped with a whopping $100,000 fine for calling a referee a "fucking fa**ot"!

This will change everything.

From now on, athletes are going to be mighty wary of letting their prejudices show as they dribble on the court and get into squabbles.

Suddenly they've been dealt the message that any moronically hateful slip of the tongue and it'll cost you big-time, honey.

As a result, their screaming matches will be way more delicate in nature.

We'll surely be hearing such non-heated epithets as:

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Vodka Tampons Hit Germany!

Categories: Featured

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America is always ahead of the trends.

Teens here have experimented with liquor-soaked "vodka tampons" for decades!

But now this inadvisable phenomenon is finally hitting Germany, maybe as retribution for past transgressions.

Kids are apparently dousing their Kotexes with Absolut and shoving it way up themselves so they can get high without having tell-tale liquor on their breath.

Intoxicating, right?

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Wrestler With a Hard-on

Categories: Featured

I guess wearing skin-tight Lycra, rolling around with opponents, and, most of all, winning can be deeply arousing.

Photo link after the break.

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