Which female comic screams so loudly during sex that the windows have to be closed?

Which designer runs whenever she spots her surgeon, so no one will know she gets work done?

(Somehow they manage to figure it out anyway!)

So the time is nigh!

Click here for my new column, in which I dish on everyone from Ben Affleck to Sandra Bernhard -- and yes, those are two different people.

Plus Selena Gomez, Mickey Rourke, Joey Stefano, Divine, an eight-year-old starlet, and a drunken pornographer who made a giant scene.

It's a wild party -- and you're invited plus entourage.

This year, it can't possibly be Weinergate because that already happened and all the wieners have been grilled.

So what will it be?

The Awl asked various New Yorkers for their guesses, and naturally my answer was hands-down (the throat) the best.

It's worth a scroll. It'll be the scandal of the summer if you don't do so.

The time for you to click here and slobberingly absorb such culturally elevating queries as, "Which designer who goes to Rio upsets some of the sauna-going locals because, as one of them told me, 'He makes the price of the rent boys go up from $20 to over $100'?"

And that's just the first item!

Von Anhalt claims he has the right to do this because (according to him) Zsa Zsa rescinded a pre-nup that said he wouldn't have any ownership in her house.

Well, I just got this notice, in response:

Here's what a Broadway birdie I totally trust tells me:

A talented actor in a current revival is giving a particularly annoying performance.

It's showboaty and not nearly as devastatingly charming as he obviously thinks it is.

Homovision.tv

Is it because such allegedly submissive behavior would somehow diminish his stature as a porn actor?

"No, he said. "That would enhance it, if I was versatile."

To promote my scribblings at the Voice, I penned an editorial for The Wall Street Journal describing the essence of good gossip writing and how it's achieved by me on a daily basis, applause applause.

Among my secret tricks:

Playgirl's Daniel Nardicio had a run-in with Nick Gruber, the 21-year-old lover of Mr. "Eternity," Calvin Klein.

Says Nardicio:

In fact, he wants her so badly that his bookers sent her people a pitch letter that slimes his competition!

Here's an abridged version of what the info said (according to a correspondence that I exclusively got my paws on):