I watch them so you don't have to -- and I even keep the Playbills.

This time, I'm serving you some Dance of the Vampires, the toothless musical with the immortal production number about garlic (which appropriately reeked).

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Who can't relate to this zesty photo spread of the triumphs and travails of NYC living, photographed by the golden Alexander D'Or and starring drag head-turner Paige Turner?

All in a day's work, Paige goes gaily shopping, offers sex for booze, chases after a mugger in an unspeakable hoodie, and reveals seductive body parts while hailing a cab.

And when she gets to her destination, I bet she'll offer more sex for more booze!

She's the new Holly Golightly, but as is delightfully common on the cross-dress scene, she goes heavily on the makeup and fashion.

As Dolly Parton once famously said, "It costa lotta money to look this cheap!"

The dress is by Sam Brooks. And D'Or's website, if you want more, is www.yeuxdor.com.

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For some time now, I've spotted her on NY1, doing a smash-up job with the news, and wondering, "Where do I know that name from?"

And I've finally figured it out!

Vivian Lee was the female lead in the film classic Gone With the Wind!

She played Scarlett Johansson or something.

Duh.

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Britney Spears has carved a lucrative niche out of singing double-entendre sex songs like "If You Seek Amy" and her latest, "Hold It Against Me."

Well, I've come up with yet another 11 surefire leering, nudge-nudge sex hits for the pop tart to open her mouth to, while her tongue wags. She can send the royalty checks to me care of the Voice.

Here goes:

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Leave it to Norway.

They have united every single fame-challenged celebrity whoever lived, and who wasn't busy at the autograph convention I recently went to in Parsippany, and shot them synching to "Let It Be" as a promo for some TV show or the other.

Stick with this amazing clip and you'll see faded singers, ex-talk-show hosts, damaged athletes, and movieland icons like Kathleen Turner and Kelly McGillis.

Some of these notables are still hot (Glenn Close) and most of them are still alive (except for Leslie Nielsen).

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That's one of the sincere holiday wishes expressed in the tres amusant Christmas card I just got from Caroline's Comedy Club.

Here are some of the other lovely yuletide hopes that are on the wryly joyful card:

"A proposed gay bar next to the proposed mosque.

"Brett Favre keeping his ball-handling on the field and off his cell phone.

"A military policy of 'Don't ask, don't judge.'

"Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton to 'Hoover' up all the bedbugs.

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It generally backfires bigger than a Republican's anti-gay speech to rabbis.

It's always when I'm trying hardest to show off that I get hit in the face with a giant pie of meringue and mockery.

For example, if I take someone to an event, the person in charge of the tickets will always be some know-nothing, fresh-out-of-school intern who will shriek, "What was the name again?" a hundred times before deciding "Misto?"

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Reader Rick Shur notes that an April 1st prank poster about extreme subway security measures, put up on the 110th Street downtown #1 subway wall, is still there!

And the satirical poster involves all kinds of intrusive, invasive body searches that Homeland Security is allowed to do on passengers in the name of safety.

Hmm. I'm gonna head on up to 110th Street and hope it's not a prank.

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Yep, they came into Musto's house and took away trash bags full of evidence, searching for any possible clue of alleged--and I repeat alleged--wrongdoing!

Apparently, they even went into my car and nabbed my satellite radio!

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