Click here for my new column, which is incredibly spicy and cutting-edge as it dissects the blandness that's overtaken our culture like margarine on a ciabatta sandwich.

Chow down as I brilliantly dissect the dispiriting developments in TV, music, movies, and media that have taken the oomph out of our lives and replaced it with numbing entertainment that we submit to like lobotomized cows.

And Justin Bieber is only the half of it!

More »

I never even considered that a possibility before.

But now that a controller has famously nodded off, leaving two planes to land in D.C.'s Reagan Airport on their own, I'm shitting bricks of panic!

In fact, the bricks are flying out of the runway out of my ass with no one to guide them!

And it could be deadly!

So here's an updated list of my airborne neuroses.

If I ever get my angsty butt on a plane again, my biggest fears will be:

(5) Birds flying into the engine. I hate when that happens! It's not good for us or the birds.

(4) Terrorism. Remember that? I do. I have Italian Alzheimer's.

More »

Well, they're ramming something, that's for sure.

And the right-wing has deftly noticed.

This letter from Public Advocate begging for money to help stop the Student Non-Discrimination Act -- intercepted by a colleague of mine -- claims such legislature would result in misinformation and appalling restrictions of sacred rights.

So how do they attack it? With misinformation and appalling restrictions of sacred rights!

More »

CLICK HERE for my hilarious, smoke-billowing-out-the-nose rant about all the things that make New York a truly hateful place to live.

Here's a quick sampler of the reasons:

"Drunks still regale you with their unasked-for recollections of 'where I was on 9/11'."

"The 'dollar pizza' signs down the block make it hard to put your apartment on the market as a 'swanky co-op in a chi chi location'."

More »

As you know, John Galliano was suspended by Dior after his allegedly anti-Semitic rant against a couple in Paris last Thursday (Galliano denies it and is crying "defamation" -- but today, a clip surfaced of him saying, "I love Hitler").

The same day, Charlie Sheen went into crazed radio-show tirades against his show's producer Chuck Lorre, saying the guy's real name is "Haim Levine."

(Sheen argues that it's the Hebrew translation of Lorre's birth name, but let's face it; the actor was in attack mode and spewing it as an epithet.)

And of course there's always Mel Gibson.

So nu?

More »

Yes, I know that every breathing creature on earth dreams of a life in showbiz, but trust me: It's hell in a handbasket.

Once you enter into "the biz," there's no stability, zero security, and incomplete satisfaction.

Unlike most professions, the life of an actor is a job-by-job existence in which, every time a show closes or isn't renewed, you horrifyingly find yourself at square zero, sending out head shots to total strangers!

More »

You know, publicists' ideas of what would make a great story.

I get 'em all day long. Pitches aimed at a catcher with a limp wrist who keeps fumbling the ball!

I just don't give a shit!

The absolute worst volleys I tend to get are:

More »

​

Why do these same old annoying, fake, potentially viral messages keep popping up on my page?

3) "Hey Michael, I can't believe it, I actually got a free ipad to test out and keep. They are only giving away a limited supply, so I'm showing you this. I absolutely LOVE the iPad :)" blah blah..  

Sorry, I'm busy buying the Brooklyn Bridge.

More »

This isn't aimed at you folks, mind you.

Just at people on other blogs who weigh in with unbearably cliched comments safe from the anonymity of their armchair.

More »

Something about a chain restaurant tends to breed familiarity and efficiency, but it can also lead to a certain blandness and a numbing lack of individuality which makes chowing down tasteless in more ways than one.

Here are the six worst in Gotham, in ascending order of awfulness.

(6) Quiznos. I have no idea what that sauce they put on the sandwiches is, but it ain't food!

More »