My Column This Week Is a Cartoon!

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CLICK HERE for the ambitious, envelope-pushing, jaw-dropping "La Dolce" column in which actual dialogue I've overheard in nightclubs has been transformed into incisively funny cartoon panels rendered by artist Dominic Bugatto.

(It's all part of our much ballyhooed cartoon issue, which is very animated, I must say.)

Click on all five panels and you'll thrill to real-life dialogue like "Face it. There's a little bit of Galliano in all of us" and "I'm a girl, but I can fuck you with my clit."

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What's Wrong With Broadway?

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I mean, why is it so safe, prepackaged, and often repellent?

CLICK HERE and I'll tell you for half-price -- oh, all right, for free.

My jazzy essay dissects the Spider-Man creators' self-defeating obstinacy, only to determine that not listening to their audience isn't the real problem with Broadway producers.

It's usually that they listen too hard.

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Hot Sex at the Black Party: I Was Appalled for Eight Hours

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CLICK HERE for my salaciously delicious column in which I describe every inch and a half of the dirty doings that went on at Saturday' night's Black Party -- the annual debauch for circuit queens who flock to Roseland for ritualized mask-wearing, role-playing, and dick tossing.

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'Fuck You, Anonymous!': I'm So Sick of Mouthy Web Cowards

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CLICK HERE for my rage-filled new column in which I screech a giant F-word at all the anonymous masses who vent their distorted views on a regular basis, just because their namelessness gives them a swelling sense of misguided power to go with their midsections.

I'm not referring to you people, mind you -- and even if I were, that's OK because cranky, Musto-hating comments here totally count as traffic, so please bring 'em on!

I'm referring to the identity-free wusses who post bilious, skewed "opinions" all over the web, just because licking their own balls is totally allowed.

Fuck you, Anonymous! At least I get paid for my bile.

Why I Hate NYC! 41 Angry Reasons!

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CLICK HERE for my hilarious, smoke-billowing-out-the-nose rant about all the things that make New York a truly hateful place to live.

Here's a quick sampler of the reasons:

"Drunks still regale you with their unasked-for recollections of 'where I was on 9/11'."

"The 'dollar pizza' signs down the block make it hard to put your apartment on the market as a 'swanky co-op in a chi chi location'."

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"I'm Not a Gay Director!" Says Canadian Cutie

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CLICK HERE for my column in which I sit down with Xavier Dolan, a 22-year-old French Canadian who's gay but not a gay director, OK?

He explains it all, don't worry.

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Off the Map Star Is Off the Hook

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ABC

I just interviewed Valerie Cruz, one of the stars of Off the Map, which is basically Grey's Anatomy with mosquitoes.

Here's some more of what Val -- who plays Doctor "Zee" Alvarez -- told me.

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Michael Lohan Was Next to Me, Holding a Big Knife!

Categories: My Column

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And I'm here, I'm still here.

CLICK HERE for my column, and I'll tell you how that happened and how I got out of it alive.

Even more scarily, I also talk about a movie with disembowelment, rape/murder, and the words "I love cunt!" But the popcorn's really good.

Plus I speak with Valerie Cruz, who plays "Zee" Alvarez on Off the Map, the show about doctors doing their thing somewhere in the Amazon jungle.

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I GoGo Danced At A Night Club!

Categories: My Column

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With my clothes on!

In the COLUMN, I describe my wacky experience doing so at a party for stylist Valissa Yoe at District 36, which also happens to have a lovely wall mural of my giant face, thank you.

Everywhere people looked, they saw me!

And no one vomited!

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How to Throw a Party in 2011: Get Naked!

Categories: My Column

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Or at least semi-naked, as in the splashy hotel pool party that's just come back, according to this week's column.

CLICK HERE for the link.

Come on, this place is the best dive in town, ba-dum-pum.

I also generously divulge other ways to throw a worthwhile event in the year of the comeback:

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