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Is it because such allegedly submissive behavior would somehow diminish his stature as a porn actor?

"No, he said. "That would enhance it, if I was versatile."

"Remember Brent Corrigan, who forged his birth certificate and lied about being of legal age? He did porn videos when he was 17 and basically sent the owner of the company to jail. Well, I've been trying to stop him from being in porn ever since. Tonight, he was supposed to present the first award at the GayVN's. But I talked to the producers of the event and made sure he didn't. He was just canned."

I generally get inundated with emails from all varieties of show biz types, all regularly hawking their wares, their firstborn, their mood swings, and their genital jewelry, in eternal hopes of a mention.

But two figures rise way above the pack in the sheer volune of promo materials they put out there: Russell Simmons and gay porn icon Michael Lucas, oddly enough. Simmons' people send a steady stream of items about his politics, his good works, and why he sells clothes at WalMart. If I don't get an item about Simmons in 10 whole minutes, I start to call the police--but then an email comes in and I settle down into complacence again.

When someone loudly passes wind, is your immediate reaction, "Ooh! Hot!"? Then gay porn king Michael Lucas has just the movie for you. It's the debut entry in the Lucas Raunch Line and it's called Farts!, a wondrous journey into flatulence--and other stinky turn-ons--that promises to "plunge into the sleaziest depths of sexual depravity you can imagine."

I have a feeling I know why I didn't get an official DVD of RuPaul's Starrbooty! movie in the mail; I'm quoted on the back of the box saying the film is "kickass," when all I actually wrote is that Ru plays "a kickass Pam Grier type"! I hadn't even seen the film at that point! But you know what? I'm dropping all lawsuits because I love RuPaul and besides, I adore ANY attention even more. Plus I have now finally rented the film—in which Ru's a sassy superhero who pretends to be a ho in order to avenge the abduction of her niece—and I want to advise you of some of the highlights:

*Ru elaborately passing gas in a pleased customer's face

*Ru being made to go down on the Lady Bunny's capacious privates

*Michael Lucas showing HIS capacious privates

*Sweetie giving head to a pickle while trying to lure johns

*Lahoma applauding as Ru tries on fashions by Forever 41

*Candis Cayne saying...no, you'll have to wait for the column for that one.

*And finally: Porn star Owen Hawke parading around in an "ouch-fit" and begging Ru to torture his balls

Kickass? Sure, why not?

Porn tycoon Michael Lucas lives for water sports, I mean controversy. He's the one who, a day after rocker Dean Johnson was found dead, had his p.r. people tastefully send a photo of HIMSELF found dead to try to stir up some horrified attention. (It did—especially when people found out he WASN'T dead, it was just a still from a film.) Now Lucas's people—sounding strangely like Lucas himself—have sent out a publicity-craving letter lashing out at the gay site queerty.com for not showing him enough love. To give him the notice he so desires, I'll run some of the fuming highlights:

To the "editor," Andrew Belonsky: First, you are saying that Michael Lucas is irrelevant, yet your search engine will show that, you, sir, made over 80 postings about Michael Lucas in just 2 years!!!... You, sir, are a hypocrite...And let's not even start talking about your writing; it's poor at best. Michael came to this country with nothing and built the biggest adult company on the east coast...Now, what did you achieve? To be the editor of a tacky online blog?... You should be truly embarrassed of yourself, your blog, and your "career." In comparison to Michael, you are nothing but a loser. Let's not mention the anti-Semites that you've attracted to this site. You are a magnet for the worst.
—Lucas Entertainment Staff

Blogger's note: I adore Andrew Belonsky, who recently invited me over for a large gay turkey. I simply will not stand by and watch him be disrespected by a lowdown. . . but wait! Michael Lucas just sent over an Alexander McQueen tie! Love ya, hottie!