La Daily Musto

Fire Island Has Become a Sci-Fi Movie

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:30:00 -0500

I swear, Fire Island has become even scarier than usual, and it's all thanks to the frickin'--everybody now--recession.

First of all, the old days of catered affairs in Pines beachfront houses, with waiters dabbing your mouth with cloth napkins is ovah. My friends who used to invite me to such things now rent out their house for the big weekends, understandably trying to scare up some extra dough. So you find yourself seeking out any poolside hotel nightclub where they sell dollar hot dogs and cheap soda.

Inside The Minds of Michael Jackson's Children

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:00:13 -0500

You really have to feel for Michael Jackson's kids, who were tools of faux normalcy for a weird pop star who wasn't really their biological father and who covered them with sheets and blankets for their own good. They never asked to be brought into a web of deceptions and quirks, but they've survived, no doubt with pain, conflicted feelings, and finger marks from being dangled on balconies.

As they emerge into the sunlight, can you imagine how confused these poor kids are? Can't you just picture their thoughts?

Joyce DeWitt Busted For DUI

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 12:00:47 -0500

This might have somehow gotten lost in the cracks in the wake of all the Michael Jackson hoopla, but Three's Company costar Joyce DeWitt--a bubbly presence whom I've spent two New Year's Eves with and whose Mamma Rose in Gypsy I kick myself for missing--was busted on an apparent DUI last weekend. I am so sorry, Joyce--especially for the awful mug shot.

Which of These Two Would You Sleep With? Part Two

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:00:15 -0500

You know the rules: You must have sex with one of two people I am about to name. You can't say "Neither" and you can't pretend you didn't hear the choices. Agreed? OK, good. Wet your lips and prepare to decide:

Whoopi Goldberg or Betty White.

Go!

Get A Chia Obama!

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 09:00:22 -0500

Our last President was pretty much a potted plant, and now, it turns out, our new one is too! I'm talking about the Obama Chia Pet, a leafy-haired figurehead-as-decoration that you can pour water onto in order to make the coiffured greenness grow way faster than anything in the National Treasury. (Pour other less distinguished liquids if you're mad at some of the guy's gay-related moves lately.)

I'd buy myself a Chia Obama to play with, but alas, since Obama's desperate attempts to jumpstart the economy haven't really worked so far, I can't afford it. But fortunately, I still have my Chia Mr T!

Dancing With The Stars' Gay Faux Pas!

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:30:02 -0500

That very mess is richly described in this week's column [CLICK HERE], along with these other bitter pills to swallow:

*A talk show host seems to confuse me with Larry Craig

*Golden Girl Rue McClanahan reveals what Bea Arthur called Betty White

*Comic Judy Gold makes fun of that deaf Oscar winner

*Joan Rivers says Hillary Clinton is a lesbian

*Rob Thomas tells me about his personal agony

*And Mika gives me a very interesting shout-out

Click it, read it, and learn it--but don't hurt each other.

Booze on Broadway: What Next?

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:00:52 -0500

The '80s jukebox musical Rock of Ages has been trying to scare up extra bucks and applause by having crouching workers run down the aisles selling alcoholic beverages to the crowd throughout the show (though when I saw it, no one was biting. They must have already been tanked from the matinee.)

If this becomes a trend, how could other productions tailor it to their own specific aesthetic needs? Not surprisingly, I have some ideas:

New Sex Device Makes You Feel Like A Porn Star

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 11:45:25 -0500

Ever watch a porn movie and think, "I wish my genitals were feeling that"? Well, now you can get just that effect with Real Touch, a device whereby "haptic technology lets you feel what you see on the screen." Haptic who? I have no idea, but just get one and stick it in, if you don't mind.

Why Do Ugly People Make Out in Public?

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 10:40:46 -0500

I want an answer now! Why is it that whenever you see two people swallowing each other's tongues in public, they're always deeply unattractive? I'm not talking borderline icky. I mean absolutely grotesque, with three ears, one nostril, and scads of back acne.

Jackson Memorial Worthy of a Master Showman

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:00:39 -0500

The Michael Jackson all-star memorial concert at the Staples Center was so riveting I expected Michael to pop out of the shiny, silver coffin and do one last moonwalk. Janet and LaToya really turned it out fashionwise (and dignity-wise); old-time Motown legends like Berry Gordy, Stevie Wonder, and Smokey Robinson added class and talent; and if it was a little jarring to see an accused rapist onstage (Kobe Bryant) and a reforming girlfriend kicker in the crowd (Chris Brown), that's showbiz, kids.

Why Is Gay Club Culture So Low?

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:30:38 -0500

A lot of gays adore opera, ballet, and special exhibits at the Met, but get them in a bar or a nightclub and their taste suddenly sinks lower than a rat's rectum. Why is it that walking into a nocturnal establishment automatically means the intellectual level plummets to sewer-level and everyone ends up in wet T-shirts, shooting Ping Pong balls out of their Speedos?

We Are All Mary Jo Buttafuoco!

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:00:08 -0500

Rob Roth

Here's a candid shot of me reading Mary Jo Buttafuoco's new book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull, which I devoured like sour candy! I even adored the subtitle, "Why I Stayed, What I Learned, and What Millions of People Involved with Sociopaths Need To Know."

Make The Dying Stop!

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 09:00:28 -0500

2009 will surely go down as the dyingest year in celebrity history, when the only gossip about stars was that they'd suddenly stopped breathing. It's only July, and so far we've already lost the lustrous likes of:

The Worst Movie of The Year!

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:30:12 -0500

I thought nothing could top Spinning Into Butter, the leaden, completely uninspired race drama starring Sarah Jessica Parker, who'll surely live to forget it. But we already have a new nadir in '09 cinema: I Hate Valentine's Day written by, directed by, and starring three-time loser Nia Vardalos, who has a big, fat bomb here.

It's bad enough that Vardalos plays a florist with two pseudo-campy, completely stereotyped and sexless gay assistants who seem fresh out of an early '90s sitcom. It's even worse that the film lamely makes fun of such ancient targets as modern art and karaoke, for God's sake. And that Vardalos and John Corbett meet cute, fight cute, and go through some contrived breakups just so they can patch things up and make the film's 90 or so choppy minutes seem very much longer.

Why Sarah Palin Stepped Down

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:15:44 -0500

Our favorite punching bag--four-eyed, two-chromosomed Sarah Palin--weirdly resigned as Governor of Alaska the other day, and her reasons seemed so sketchy that left-wingers started immediately wondering just what hideous scandal is about to hit the freezing fan. Did she club a baby seal? Is she finally ready to answer the Katie Couric question "What do you read?" and the answer is so damaging that she can't possibly continue in public office? Does she have a secret girlfriend in Argentina? Has Bristol been implanted with eight embryos?

Whatever the case, read this blog speculating on the supposed "iceberg scandal" to come and give it some thought. Then turn on QVC and see if she's there yet.