Watch what you're eating when dining at a fancy NYC restaurant.

You see, several upscale joints around town used to be raunchy, wham-bang anonymous sex places in livelier days.

As this article in today's Daily News (which I'm quoted in) describes:

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"Find God's match for you," is Christian Mingle's motto, the Lord obviously intending for bible-loving people to go to a website, log in, and start hormoning it up on the dating treadmill. And I can only imagine what some of these dates consist of, dialogue-wise. Here's an unholy guess:

"Hey, stud. Are you gonna nail me later like they nailed Jesus to the cross?"

"Yes--and then my noodle will enjoy a resurrection and nail you all over again."

"Ooh, baby. We're gonna re-enact the twin cities tonight!"

"Minneapolis-St. Paul?"

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The star of this week's column is Desiree Holt, an adventurous Texas granny who's written 137 published tales of sexual intimacy.

Talk about 50 shades of grey!

Desiree and I had a racy and illuminating chat covering her hit titles (from Cupid's Shaft to Bedroom Eyes), as well as learning just which sexual language she feels comfortable using in her work.

As she tells it, "cock", "cunt", and "fucking" are perfectly OK, but not the crude words!

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A friend of mine saw it on a hookup site--and you're just going to have to believe me on that.

It was from a guy who said:

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Put on your condom, your dental dam, your lube, and your thinking cap, and read my latest column--a scintillating diatribe about all the things that make me dislike the sex act.

For example:

*I'm no good at it.

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TV personality Lisa Rinna has continued her branch-out into literature with The Big Fun Sexy Book, a handy guide to the libido which she wrote with sex therapist Ian Kerner.

At her publication party at the Museum of Sex the other night, it turned out Lisa (who's married to the eternally hunky Harry Hamlin) was fun and sexy, so I hope the book is really big.

Our quickie conversation:

Hi, Lisa. Will I blush reading this book?

Yes!

It takes a lot.

It'll let your juices flow a little. You'd have to be dead not to! [laughs]

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The Continental Baths was the steamy 1970s gay sex haven at the Ansonia Hotel, which came complete with a performance space for rising stars like Bette Midler to entertain the toweled gays in between orgasms.

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You know her as the Oscar-nominated actress from Educating Rita and Billy Elliot.

But I know her as the lady who spills about her vajayjay in her memoir, That's Another Story, which I'm currently devouring as if it were a piping-hot chili dog made from scraps of shepherd's pie.

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A Fleshlight looks sort of like a flashlight, except it unscrews to reveal a simulated vagina that you ... well, as Joan Crawford said to Christina, "You figure it out!"

And since Fleshlights sponsored the Fleshbot awards for sexy pop culture, held at the Highline Ballroom on Friday night, we all got one!

Which is exactly why I went (I need a Christmas gift for my parish priest), plus I wanted to hang out with Brian Moylan from Fleshbot's sister site Gawker and also get interviewed by Murray Hill for his new U.K. TV show segment.

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"I'm willing to admit that I'm a virgin because I feel so strongly about it.

"Like me, there are plenty of girls who don't want to be bogged down with demanding involvements or have to be concerned with the emotional or physical consequences of sex.

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