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Posted by Eugene Mirman at 11:28 AM, September 14, 2006
I recently got a call from a polling firm asking me how I felt about the crisis in the Middle East (Actually, I feel pretty good. Things are finally going according to my plan—that's right, fools!—who do you think has been pulling the neo-cons strings? Me. Like a Sith Lord I have also been directing Hezbollah through a series of re-routed late night drunken texts! Fools! Never listen to military commands that are preceded with the phrase 'What r u up to?"). Anyway, this polling firm wanted me to rate countries, leaders, and organizations (considered by many to be either sneaky or dangerous) on a scale of 1 to 100. I did what I could to help this Shadow Polling company understand what Americans thought could or could not be blown up around the world—and why! Here is the call.
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 4:12 PM, June 8, 2006
A few weeks ago I held a protest of myself outside of the White House. It was very rainy, but some wonderful people came out to call me names and protest me. I found out that it's very easy to protest outside the White House. There were three nice policemen on bikes that asked me my name, the name of my group, and how long I plan to protest. Then they radio the information back to someone in a pod beneath the earth who begins to secretly monitor you. But then you can protest—apparently anything—from wars and policies—to yourself or ice cream (only an asshole would protest ice cream—I think you know who you are—Sebastian "Bach.") Another thing I learned is that you can't stand still on the sidewalk in front of the White House, you have to stand in the street. You can only be on the sidewalk in front of the White House if you remain in constant motion (meaning walking—not running in circles, as I postulated to the secret service officer who asked me to move. People think it is hard to make those British soldiers in front of Buckingham Palace smile—it can also be hard to amuse some of those charged with protecting the White House.)
Before you watch the video of the protest, I just want to apologize for earlier saying that Sebastian Bach was the kind of "asshole" who would protest ice cream. I'm wrong. He wouldn't. And good luck with the show Supergroup, Mr. Bach. I hope you win. Is it a contest? Well, whatever it is, good luck with it.
Here is the video.
And here are some of the signs I made.
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 1:50 PM, May 26, 2006
Here is an advertisement I made for my new CD/DVD, "En Garde, Society!". Sub Pop Records (who released the album) did a promotion with YouTube, who featured one of my videos on their site. YouTube decided to feature one of the weirder videos from my DVD (a video I sent myself from the future), and the response was almost overwhelmingly negative. Here is the video they featured, and the ad I made as a result.
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 4:02 PM, April 21, 2006
There seem to be an endless web of weird telemarketing companies that have nefarious links to each other and constantly offer me the oddest combination of things. My last entry was about a call I got that promised me a free cruise if I completed a survey. I'm not sure exactly what they do with this information, but I bet they turn it into cash. At the end of the survey they then offered me some weird too-good-too-be-true health program. I decided to decline. A few days later, I got a call offering me the cruise. It was a free trip with no strings—except I needed to pay $118 in border crossing fees right away (perhaps that would be a simple way to keep illegal aliens out? Where would they get the money if they can only work once they're here! Feel free to forward my plan to the Senate.)
Here's the call.
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 4:58 PM, April 11, 2006
I get a lot of wrong numbers and telemarketers calling my landline. People frequently try to fax things meant to go to a hospital to my house. I'm not really sure why. I don't mind though. If I'm busy, I tell telemarketers to calls back. And if not, I talk to them and try to understand what they want. My favorite thing about most new telemarketing companies is that a recording will call you. The recorded person is often informal and just wants to be your pal. In this case, it was someone named Casey. He claims to have convinced his company that because people hate filling out surveys, they should send those who agree on a cruise. They also seem to be trying to sell me health care. Anyway, here is the call.
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 5:13 PM, March 22, 2006
Video: Why Eugene Won't Shut Up and Rock
Last May I got a call from a company in Atlanta about a video I made where I am a robot with lots of different skills (incredible strength, ability to feel emotions, etc). One of my biggest claims was that I had a radio in my finger that had more music than iTunes. That's quite a claim (as a robot I could make it though).
As we all know digital music is scaring the shit out of record companies and radio stations and redefining how we get music. They're afraid of losing all their profits (and Thai sex vacations don't grow on trees, except in Thailand—but still for a fee). This Atlanta company believed that the concept that a radio station had more music and variety in it's "finger" than you could on an iPod or computer would be a great campaign for new stations (JACK FM, MIKE FM, THE WOLF, etc.) They asked me if while on tour I would stop by for a few hours and record some stuff. I was hesitant at first and then agreed to do it (because we still use money in this century I'd need it for food, shelter, plus I am saving up for two helicopters—one to sleep in and one to throw out. However, I look forward to the future when we're all self-actualized and the only people turning tricks are simply those hookers who see it as a fulfillment of their destiny. We can dream, can't we, 2064?)
...read on
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 5:34 PM, March 9, 2006
People often ask me how does someone become a comedian? How do you write a joke, and in general how comics come up with their persona, material and so on. I'm not sure. It's different for everyone, but I'm going to try and take a stab at some of the more universal elements. There are basically five things every comedian does at some point. I'll try to list them. The rest is up to you.
1) The first thing you have to decide is what kind of comedian you want to be. There are seven basic categories—"The Surprise!," "The Zing," "The Flip-a-Roo," "The Bam!," "The Shit NO!" "Voicies" and the "Hmmm?-HAHA."
Obviously, just like with colors, styles can be mixed to create variations. I mostly do "Hmmm?-HAHA-Flip-a-Roo-Zings." While David Cross is a "Surprise!-Voicies-Shit NO!" comedian. Demetri Martin has popularized the "Hmmm?-HAHA-Surprise." Dane Cook is known for his "Bam!" humor (sorry to those who thought he did "Flip-a-Roos.") Robin Williams is a "Surprise!-Voicies-Zing-Flip-a-Roo-Bam!" comedian, making him at times difficult to follow (i.e. some of the radio-montages in Good Morning Vietnam.) The only exceptions to this are Jon Benjamin and Jon Glaser who exclusively do "HOLY-MOLY" humor.
2) How likable are you? Likability is a big part of standup. No matter how good your jokes are, people have to want to hear them. Where do you fall on a 1 to 10 scale, with 1 being as likable as Kim Jung-il and 10 being A Baby That Commands the Same Respect as Bono. You need to at least be a 6 to do it, and an 8 or higher for television, excluding Metro channel. If you are unlikable, you can do some of the following things to be more likable—sneak up on people and push them down—especially at your job, get a Bow Flex, take a cooking class, etc.
3) What makes you mad? Are you ready to go break some taboos (for instance—rape-shmape)? The government (full of bullshit makers!)? Girls (so tricky!)? Boys (simple and sex something!)? Catholics (guilty like Jews)? Those little things in the box that always don't work and you're like, "Thing?! Who designed this thing?!"
4) What will you wear? Your clothes let people know who you are. For instance, George Carlin always wears a hat, generally a golf cap, but sometimes one of those cool kangaroo hats. Paul F. Tompkins always wears a suit. Todd Barry performs in his lucky bandana.
5) Finally, what do you plan to do with your comedy? Do you want to brighten people's days? Do you want to criticize a celebrity (some are spoiled, while others made music videos a decade ago that now seem outdated)? Are you going to use your comedy as a corrective tool for society or an individual? Choose one or two of those. Great. Good luck.
Now all that's left is writing out some material, going to an open mic and trying it out. Have fun. The first time is usually great, because many audiences are supportive. There is one exception to these rules. If you're an actor wanting a new avenue to be seen by the industry, you probably just want a "development set"—basically a set that spells out your sitcom for industry. In that case, here you go:
Your sister is gay, your brother is a robot, and your parents were hippies and you have to take care of everyone! But you're a comedian! You're not responsible. Your neighbor is a Shaolin Monk with mystical powers who helps you. Good luck. Make the stories real and don't forget to act out all the characters.
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 3:32 PM, March 1, 2006
Many of you were too young to remember when the second Iraqi war broke out a few years ago. You were probably still glued to Kurt Loder on MTV announcing that the latest Green Day influenced band was finally at maximum handsomeness. You may have been sitting in your cube trying to figure out how to walk the line between flirting with a beautiful co-worker and blatant puke-on-coke-can sexual harassment (something Judge Alito did to My Chemical Romance at Live Eight.) Or finally, you may have been finishing your GED, not knowing that you would use those "useless" math skills to break world records in addition (now you know why you learn algebra.)
On March 18th, 2003 George W. Bush (author of, Chicken Soup for the End of the World) gave Saddam Hussein (a Jew!) 48 hours to leave Baghdad. What few people know is that earlier that week I gave Saddam a stricter deadline—leave Baghdad within 12 hours by March 16th (I guess I am just more of a ball buster.) Though I have no military might, my disapproval of someone can be quite intimidating. Sadly, I'm not even sure my ultimatum actually reached Saddam.
At the time I didn't really know where I stood on the war (though I guess in hindsight it's been pretty awesome.) Still, the anti-war movement was not going to stop the U.S. from kicking some T&A in Iraq and nothing would stop the Juggernaut of War from marching (Phil Ochs would have been furious.) There had been a lot of talk of a draft (which luckily is over) and I wanted to make a case why I shouldn't be drafted (other than being called "gay" as a kid, being bad with tanks, and being argumentative with authority.) I couldn't prevent the war, yet I could make commercials asking to not be drafted. However, I do want to make one thing clear—we've all been drafted as soldiers in the war on terror (and let's not rely on an army of robots to do the fighting for us—remember the movie Terminator? Also, do you remember the movie The Matrix? And do not forget about the movie I, Robot. Not to mention the latest one, Angry Airplane. Plus in Star Trek, Commander Data is able to have sex.) By the way, to all the critics—you can have a War on Terror—just like you can have a War on Drugs or a War on Doggystyle (please don't.) So shut up! Or I'll scare the shit out of you and you won't be able to do anything because you think you can't have a War on Scaring The Shit Out of People. So you're your own enemy.
Finally, here are the few commercials I made to not be drafted/suggest no war.
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 2:59 PM, February 15, 2006
For a while I was mildly obsessed with the idea of making sequels to movies that needed no sequels. Not because the movies were good or bad, just because it would be weird and unnecessary. Say there was a sequel to the movie Frequency? There could be. Why though? All the loose ends were tied up in the first. How about a sequel to Cold Mountain? Nope. What if there was War of the Worlds II (where it turns out another alien race had also planted machines in the ground even before the aliens we know about—fuck! Not again?! We're so fucked! Unless the second alien race also didn't consider the dangers of microbes! Suckers!)
However, by sequel, I don't mean an actual sequel. I mean a three minute movie that has little to do with the original. Sometimes I would mention this idea to voiceover artist/ comedy-therapist/ entrepreneur Jon Benjamin (who co-hosts a monthly talk show called Midnight Pajama Jam with rebel-comic Jon Glaser, where they interview fake guests.) For one of these shows Jon, real-life talk show host Sam Seder, and I shot Backdraft II: Backdraftier. I don't remember the original movie that well, but it was definitely about firemen. And so is this one. Here is the movie.
Posted by Eugene Mirman at 6:45 PM, February 9, 2006
Though I was not trying to create a stir with my last entry, I guess I did. First of all, let me say that I made some factual mistakes. As an immigrant, I am dedicated to two things—justice, honesty, and job usurpation. (I listed a third to create a hole in time. It obviously didn't work. Whatevs.) I would like to apologize to everyone for getting some things wrong. Some corrections—the dance club in Las Vegas that I was at is not called "Body Bar," it's called "Body English." And though I thought INXS was not there, they were. I fucked up and I'm sorry. (What I maybe didn't make clear was the INXS after party I was referring to was not the one at Body English, it was the one before it in the Simon Room of the Hard Rock Live. And I may even be wrong about that.)
Either way, for my last entry, I got many comments—some nice, some that corrected me, some mean and weird, and some that made little sense. However, only one was from a lonely place—a place that's dark—like a cave (where, as we all know, terror lives) posted by an anonymous person—"Kerry Simon threw INXS the party, they were there with the Killers. The bar is called Body English and you're full of shit."
My god, that is so much information for two sentences. First of all, let me say that I was lying when I said that the comment was posted from a lonely place. I don't really know. However much time I've watched the various Law and Orders (I'm counting—Law and Order: Order Time, Law and Order: Ouch Patrol, Law and Order: Criminal Children, and of course Law and Order: DRUGS) I still can't figure out the psychological profile of a person from a sentence. I can figure out these things: The person was either there or knows some of the people involved, seems to care, and thinks I am "full of shit." Typically, "full of shit" means lying. I'm clearly not lying—though I did get some things wrong. I definitely don't like dance clubs (this is true I don't), I was there (I was) and I have two magic powers (one is Heat Face—it works like heat vision—but from the entire face, and laser-hands, which sadly don't work anymore—damn you Dr. Vaseline!)
...read on
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