Dangerous Sex With Special Agent Mirman

Posted by Eugene Mirman at 4:49 PM, September 30, 2005

In the Bourne Identity, Matt Damon plays an amnesiac super-agent. There's a scene in a diner where Matt is fed up with his amnesia (though he must live with it, or risk ending the movie one hour early.) Matt's pissed. He's like, "Why do I know all the license plates of the cars outside? Why do I know the best place to find a gun is in the cab of that truck? Why do I know the waitress weighs 120 pounds and is left-handed?" Why does he know? Because the U-States Government (that's what I call the United States, because it's all about YOU—p.s. that doesn't make sense or mean anything) trains its operatives to completely notice surroundings, so they act, not re-act, in dangerous situations. Do you know how I know this? I inferred (opposite of imply, but not as opposite as Minotaur, which is super-opposite) it from the Bourne Identity. This was confirmed also by the Bourne Supremacy, Lethal Weapon, The Transporter, and Beverly Hills Cop (the "banana in the tailpipe" is precisely the kind of "out of the box" thinking we need to defeat Terror—especially before it morphs into a girl—something it won't do—because Terror isn't a shape-shifting monster, but an emotion that can take any form—and often has a beard.)

Now, here's a video in which I play a secret agent.