Video: Why Eugene Won't Shut Up and Rock

Last May I got a call from a company in Atlanta about a video I made where I am a robot with lots of different skills (incredible strength, ability to feel emotions, etc). One of my biggest claims was that I had a radio in my finger that had more music than iTunes. That's quite a claim (as a robot I could make it though).

As we all know digital music is scaring the shit out of record companies and radio stations and redefining how we get music. They're afraid of losing all their profits (and Thai sex vacations don't grow on trees, except in Thailand—but still for a fee). This Atlanta company believed that the concept that a radio station had more music and variety in it's "finger" than you could on an iPod or computer would be a great campaign for new stations (JACK FM, MIKE FM, THE WOLF, etc.) They asked me if while on tour I would stop by for a few hours and record some stuff. I was hesitant at first and then agreed to do it (because we still use money in this century I'd need it for food, shelter, plus I am saving up for two helicopters—one to sleep in and one to throw out. However, I look forward to the future when we're all self-actualized and the only people turning tricks are simply those hookers who see it as a fulfillment of their destiny. We can dream, can't we, 2064?) More >>

People often ask me how does someone become a comedian? How do you write a joke, and in general how comics come up with their persona, material and so on. I'm not sure. It's different for everyone, but I'm going to try and take a stab at some of the more universal elements. There are basically five things every comedian does at some point. I'll try to list them. The rest is up to you.

1) The first thing you have to decide is what kind of comedian you want to be. There are seven basic categories—"The Surprise!," "The Zing," "The Flip-a-Roo," "The Bam!," "The Shit NO!" "Voicies" and the "Hmmm?-HAHA."

Obviously, just like with colors, styles can be mixed to create variations. I mostly do "Hmmm?-HAHA-Flip-a-Roo-Zings." While David Cross is a "Surprise!-Voicies-Shit NO!" comedian. Demetri Martin has popularized the "Hmmm?-HAHA-Surprise." Dane Cook is known for his "Bam!" humor (sorry to those who thought he did "Flip-a-Roos.") Robin Williams is a "Surprise!-Voicies-Zing-Flip-a-Roo-Bam!" comedian, making him at times difficult to follow (i.e. some of the radio-montages in Good Morning Vietnam.) The only exceptions to this are Jon Benjamin and Jon Glaser who exclusively do "HOLY-MOLY" humor.

2) How likable are you? Likability is a big part of standup. No matter how good your jokes are, people have to want to hear them. Where do you fall on a 1 to 10 scale, with 1 being as likable as Kim Jung-il and 10 being A Baby That Commands the Same Respect as Bono. You need to at least be a 6 to do it, and an 8 or higher for television, excluding Metro channel. If you are unlikable, you can do some of the following things to be more likable—sneak up on people and push them down—especially at your job, get a Bow Flex, take a cooking class, etc.

3) What makes you mad? Are you ready to go break some taboos (for instance—rape-shmape)? The government (full of bullshit makers!)? Girls (so tricky!)? Boys (simple and sex something!)? Catholics (guilty like Jews)? Those little things in the box that always don't work and you're like, "Thing?! Who designed this thing?!"

4) What will you wear? Your clothes let people know who you are. For instance, George Carlin always wears a hat, generally a golf cap, but sometimes one of those cool kangaroo hats. Paul F. Tompkins always wears a suit. Todd Barry performs in his lucky bandana.

5) Finally, what do you plan to do with your comedy? Do you want to brighten people's days? Do you want to criticize a celebrity (some are spoiled, while others made music videos a decade ago that now seem outdated)? Are you going to use your comedy as a corrective tool for society or an individual? Choose one or two of those. Great. Good luck.

Now all that's left is writing out some material, going to an open mic and trying it out. Have fun. The first time is usually great, because many audiences are supportive. There is one exception to these rules. If you're an actor wanting a new avenue to be seen by the industry, you probably just want a "development set"—basically a set that spells out your sitcom for industry. In that case, here you go:

Your sister is gay, your brother is a robot, and your parents were hippies and you have to take care of everyone! But you're a comedian! You're not responsible. Your neighbor is a Shaolin Monk with mystical powers who helps you. Good luck. Make the stories real and don't forget to act out all the characters.

Many of you were too young to remember when the second Iraqi war broke out a few years ago. You were probably still glued to Kurt Loder on MTV announcing that the latest Green Day influenced band was finally at maximum handsomeness. You may have been sitting in your cube trying to figure out how to walk the line between flirting with a beautiful co-worker and blatant puke-on-coke-can sexual harassment (something Judge Alito did to My Chemical Romance at Live Eight.) Or finally, you may have been finishing your GED, not knowing that you would use those "useless" math skills to break world records in addition (now you know why you learn algebra.)

On March 18th, 2003 George W. Bush (author of, Chicken Soup for the End of the World) gave Saddam Hussein (a Jew!) 48 hours to leave Baghdad. What few people know is that earlier that week I gave Saddam a stricter deadline—leave Baghdad within 12 hours by March 16th (I guess I am just more of a ball buster.) Though I have no military might, my disapproval of someone can be quite intimidating. Sadly, I'm not even sure my ultimatum actually reached Saddam.

At the time I didn't really know where I stood on the war (though I guess in hindsight it's been pretty awesome.) Still, the anti-war movement was not going to stop the U.S. from kicking some T&A in Iraq and nothing would stop the Juggernaut of War from marching (Phil Ochs would have been furious.) There had been a lot of talk of a draft (which luckily is over) and I wanted to make a case why I shouldn't be drafted (other than being called "gay" as a kid, being bad with tanks, and being argumentative with authority.) I couldn't prevent the war, yet I could make commercials asking to not be drafted. However, I do want to make one thing clear—we've all been drafted as soldiers in the war on terror (and let's not rely on an army of robots to do the fighting for us—remember the movie Terminator? Also, do you remember the movie The Matrix? And do not forget about the movie I, Robot. Not to mention the latest one, Angry Airplane. Plus in Star Trek, Commander Data is able to have sex.) By the way, to all the critics—you can have a War on Terror—just like you can have a War on Drugs or a War on Doggystyle (please don't.) So shut up! Or I'll scare the shit out of you and you won't be able to do anything because you think you can't have a War on Scaring The Shit Out of People. So you're your own enemy.

Finally, here are the few commercials I made to not be drafted/suggest no war.