Politics 2006: Is a War on Doggystyle Next?

Posted by Eugene Mirman at 3:32 PM, March 1, 2006

Many of you were too young to remember when the second Iraqi war broke out a few years ago. You were probably still glued to Kurt Loder on MTV announcing that the latest Green Day influenced band was finally at maximum handsomeness. You may have been sitting in your cube trying to figure out how to walk the line between flirting with a beautiful co-worker and blatant puke-on-coke-can sexual harassment (something Judge Alito did to My Chemical Romance at Live Eight.) Or finally, you may have been finishing your GED, not knowing that you would use those "useless" math skills to break world records in addition (now you know why you learn algebra.)

On March 18th, 2003 George W. Bush (author of, Chicken Soup for the End of the World) gave Saddam Hussein (a Jew!) 48 hours to leave Baghdad. What few people know is that earlier that week I gave Saddam a stricter deadline—leave Baghdad within 12 hours by March 16th (I guess I am just more of a ball buster.) Though I have no military might, my disapproval of someone can be quite intimidating. Sadly, I'm not even sure my ultimatum actually reached Saddam.

At the time I didn't really know where I stood on the war (though I guess in hindsight it's been pretty awesome.) Still, the anti-war movement was not going to stop the U.S. from kicking some T&A in Iraq and nothing would stop the Juggernaut of War from marching (Phil Ochs would have been furious.) There had been a lot of talk of a draft (which luckily is over) and I wanted to make a case why I shouldn't be drafted (other than being called "gay" as a kid, being bad with tanks, and being argumentative with authority.) I couldn't prevent the war, yet I could make commercials asking to not be drafted. However, I do want to make one thing clear—we've all been drafted as soldiers in the war on terror (and let's not rely on an army of robots to do the fighting for us—remember the movie Terminator? Also, do you remember the movie The Matrix? And do not forget about the movie I, Robot. Not to mention the latest one, Angry Airplane. Plus in Star Trek, Commander Data is able to have sex.) By the way, to all the critics—you can have a War on Terror—just like you can have a War on Drugs or a War on Doggystyle (please don't.) So shut up! Or I'll scare the shit out of you and you won't be able to do anything because you think you can't have a War on Scaring The Shit Out of People. So you're your own enemy.

Finally, here are the few commercials I made to not be drafted/suggest no war.