There seem to be an endless web of weird telemarketing companies that have nefarious links to each other and constantly offer me the oddest combination of things. My last entry was about a call I got that promised me a free cruise if I completed a survey. I'm not sure exactly what they do with this information, but I bet they turn it into cash. At the end of the survey they then offered me some weird too-good-too-be-true health program. I decided to decline. A few days later, I got a call offering me the cruise. It was a free trip with no strings—except I needed to pay $118 in border crossing fees right away (perhaps that would be a simple way to keep illegal aliens out? Where would they get the money if they can only work once they're here! Feel free to forward my plan to the Senate.)

Here's the call.

comments

I've been seeing Eugene's radio sation ads, and yes they're pretty funny. But apparently they used green screen screen technology so they could use computer graphics to insert a completely white background.

Posted by: Salman at April 21, 2006 5:37 PM

Hi, Eugene,

I've observed that you're progressively becoming specialized in making fun of telemarketers and other kinds of sales people, and that, as a result, you're developing a considerable compilation of audio files. Listening to these files, and also out of my own experience in the field, I've identified an interesting and (to me) funny aspect in all of these episodes: the telemarketer/sales guy's ability/inability to keep a straight face, not when telling the truth (a rare, if not completely absent, element in their script) but, rather, when they lie/deceive (which is what its really all about here). Note the contradiction/irony/absurdity: to keep a straight face when lying is *good*, the right thing to do when you're in telemarketing/sales in general.

For example, the woman that called you saying that you'd won a cruise. She had to laugh at your comments, but didn't fully take the bait you were offering her. Another one: the male telemarketer from the porn/gay-free Christian telco carrier; this guy fell for it all the way when you tempted him with the "two chicks kissing is sinful but also sexy, right?" question. In sharp contrast with this guy, his female colleague in the same company resisted each and every one of your assaults (which was pathetically funny, in its own way).

Here's an idea for you: create a category in your work - the Straight/Crooked Face Liar category. You can rank each call, from 1 to 10, and at the end of every year organize a ceremony in which you deliver an award - the Real Bastard award - to the best straight face liar and another one - the Shitty Bastard award - to the best crooked face liar. All of the above - category, prize, ceremony and names - are just possibilities, modifiable at your will.

Please regard this suggestion as a token of my admiration for your work. If you like it, feel free to use it at will, no compensation or attribution required. Really. Just the fact that you would take it into consideration would be a total gratification.

A fan,

Quixotic

PS: Where I live (Barcelona, Spain) the real estate market has been in a constant bubble for the last 20 years (not comparable to Manhattan, of course, but pretty bad). I recently saw an ad for a 12 square meter (39 square feet) flat at a purchase price of 130,000 euros (161,574 US dollars). I saw the pictures. The *flat* included a bathroom and a kitchen, plus a bunk ... Not kidding. I mean, there are neighborhoods in Barcelona where the square foot is up to 40% higher, but this was a rat hole, and a crowded one too. So I called the agency and I must say that the woman that took the call was a true crooked face liar. I mean, when I said "I'd like to inquire about this 39 square feet flat", she immediately responded, with an audible chuckle, "well, if you can call it a flat..." I then went on to ask "is it loft-style, because if it is, I'd like to build in some walls, you know, to differentiate clearly between spaces". She laughed all through the conversation, except at the end, when I made the following assumption: "I presume the price includes the bunk, because, considering that you're going to fuck me, at least you pay for the bed, right?".

Posted by: quixotic at April 27, 2006 6:58 AM

i would like to activate your fruit.

Posted by: jewlie at April 28, 2006 10:32 PM

God damn it.

That's what I was going to say, Quixotic.

Posted by: Worker #3116 at May 12, 2006 2:10 PM

This has gone to pot. I can't believe I was excited to read this.

Posted by: Bridget at May 30, 2006 11:43 PM