10 Astounding Nutritional Discoveries of the Future

Too many omega-3's will quite literally turn you into a fish!

Nutritionists tend to be full of shit. One day they tell you to eat margarine, then change their minds and say margarine will kill you. Generated by meaningless correlation studies and based on shaky science, so it is with most of their pronouncements.

I can't tell you how many close friends have become obsessed with omega-3 fatty acids. Ditto with antioxidants and fiber. And now everyone is scrounging around for cognitive enhancers.

Since nutritionists reverse their recommendations all the time, here are some of the things we expect to hear from them in the future.

1. Melamine is good for you. Remember when cats and dogs were dropping like flies because food imported from China contained melamine, a chemical whose sole purpose seems to be fooling chemical tests into thinking a product contains protein? Well, your body will be fooled, too, and nutritionists will discover that melamine has beneficial effects in weight loss, strengthens bones, and makes you look younger, too.

2. Eat lots of animal fats. This is something we know instinctively as we chew our 10th piece of bacon, or go down on a luscious plate of Buffalo wings. Nutritionists make the dumb-headed assumption that dietary cholesterol equals blood cholesterol, when there's little evidence to substantiate this. The body is perfectly capable of manufacturing tons of the stuff on its own, thank you, whether you bolt bacon or not.

3. Vitamins are really, really bad for you. Unless you're suffering from rickets or scurvy, dumping huge quantities of individual vitamins into your body is like giving yourself a kick in the kidneys. Most non-impoverished diners get all the nutrients they need from the food they eat. Buying daily multivitamins is stuffing wads of cash into the drug company's pockets.

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