Our 10 Best Restaurants for a Break-Up

Categories: Marx, Our 10 Best

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As the publicists who keep sending us their drinks and menu promotions won't let us forget, Valentine's Day is not only around the corner, but also one of the most profitable days of the year for the restaurant industry.

Plenty of amorous and orally fixated couples have rushed to reserve their seats, but what options are there for those who'd prefer to use a candlelit dinner to end their relationship, rather than let it limp along until February 15? Is it better to blow a sorry-let's-be-friends wad at Per Se, or to cut one's losses -- and all possibilities of future communication -- in line at Taco Bell? It's a perplexing decision for those who wish to air their personal drama in full view of the public. So herewith, a field guide of sorts to where to end it all, and begin anew.


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This would work so much better in public.

10. Eataly. This high-end food court presents myriad opportunities for romantic sabotage. You can cry and argue to your broken heart's content in relative privacy, thanks to the high shelves of artisanal chestnut curd and Calabrian olive oil. The nonstop din of the place helpfully muffles the screams of freshly scorned, and it's often crowded enough that you can disappear before your now-ex can run you down and beat your ass. You may even have time to pick up a ball of fresh mozzarella on your way out. 200 Fifth Avenue, 212-229-2560

9. One if by Land, Two if by Sea. There's an unwritten rule that you don't set foot in this place unless you plan to come out engaged and/or en route to being naked. This makes it an excellent choice for sadists and masochists alike. A breakup here is a victory for perversity and the forces of darkness, if not the wallet: You may find yourself paying more to break up with your newly un-significant other than you did in the entirety of your blighted relationship. 17 Barrow Street, 212-255-8649

8. Cheep's Falafel. If the name isn't enough incentive, the cranky staff should make this an even clearer option for dispatching your paramour. What's more, it's perfect for the passive-aggressive: Since you obviously don't like the person that much, why would you bother to go down the street to Mamoun's, which sells much better falafel? As an added bonus, there are plenty of free paper napkins. The staff will grudgingly provide them, and then gaze at you with penetrating disdain as you repair to the sterile, semi-private booth in the back to mop up the tears you have caused. 129 Second Avenue, 212-777-7763

7. Any restaurant on Court Street before 6:30 p.m. For those who want to break up in almost total seclusion, but with the aid of a decent bread basket. It's possible there will be small children present at this hour. That's good, because you'll be able to literally see the future you are avoiding with the person tearing up across the table.

6. Má Pêche. For those wishing to avoid a guilt trip and do right by their former flame, this is a decent option. Not only is the food good, the room is possibly one of the most unromantic in New York restaurant history, unless you're turned on by paintings of half-naked men in gorilla masks. It's also often half-empty, and those who are there won't know you because they're mostly clueless hotel guests and tourists. 15 West 56th Street, 212-757-5878


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2 comments
Francesolsen
Francesolsen

^^I prefer Atlantic Terminal. Same number of subway lines, plus there's an Applebee's and a Chuck E'Cheese to get the dumping job done right.

Mucho
Mucho

Where's the Times Square – 42nd Street Subway station? There's like nine different train lines you can hop on real quick after you break the bad news?

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