My Secret But Nameless Nestle Frozen Treat

Even the most die-hard foodie must sometimes stoop to eating lowbrow mass-market food products, often with relish. Thus, every once in a while I sneak into a Burger King and eat a Whopper, not only to "keep it real," but just because I have a dirty desire to eat Whoppers.

Thus it is that I'm not always willing to hop on the subway and travel for a half-hour to purchase the latest $7 artisanally produced frozen treat. I sometimes just go into a bodega and grab an "Ice Cream Nestlé King Size Artificially Flavored Vanilla With Chocolatey Coating Frozen Dairy Dessert Bar." If you can't pick a real name out of that string of nouns, adjectives, prepositions, and conjunctions, then neither can I, so never know quite what to call it.

But the "ice cream" (which isn't actual ice cream, apparently) inside is snow-pale and creamy, just like the product called "ice milk," when I was a kid, which frugal parents bought instead of ice cream. And the "chocolatey coating" does taste richly of chocolate, even though it's probably made with cocoa solids and coconut oil and who knows what else. All I know is that it's cold and good and fast and cheap ($1.75) and I never have to travel far to get it.