10 Food Product Mascots That Give Us Nightmares

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10. Little Debbie -- You ought to have the face of an angel, Little Debbie; instead your visage is wrinkly and witchy. You are your own grandmother, and you're wearing her clothes, too: plaid shirt with collar that lies perfectly flat and strange white straw hat trimmed in sky blue.


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Is there something weirdly obscene about this packaging, or is it our imagination?


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9. Kool-Aid Smiling Pitcher -- We liked you better when you were fat, and perspiration glistened on your overweight brow. Now, you're shaping up and getting skinnier and skinnier, riding a stationary bike wearing knee pads. Are you afraid of falling off? You are a pitcher filled with delicious juice-like drinks, Smiley, not a gym-goer!


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8. Green Giant -- Wait! Weren't you the giant that was chasing us and screaming "Fe, fi, fo, fum? I smell the blood of a foodie?" You're smiling now, but it's the smile of a sexual predator, and when our backs are turned you're doubtlessly going to ream us out with a thick can of peas.


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7. Hamburger Helper Hand -- "Tell it to the hand," as the expression goes, but this is not even a real hand, it's a cartoon hand, and the face upon its palm reminds us of the ants running out of the hand with a hole ripped in it in Un Chien Andalou. Please, stop it from talking! And why, oh why, does he have a clown nose? Is that a worm in his mouth?


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6. Chef Boyardee -- When we were kids, we never knew you were Italian, since all chefs were French back then. You've grown old on the can, like one of those paintings on the wall at Hogwarts. Are you going to start talking to us now, too? We fear being smothered in one of your cans of mushy mini-ravioli.



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10 comments
brooklynmichel
brooklynmichel

What happened to Frankenberry and Count Chocula!

Craig Little
Craig Little

That sucked. Predictable choices, completely devoid of humor in the commentary. A waste of space on the intertubes.

Kelly Robinson
Kelly Robinson

Humor is clearly not Sietsema's strong suit. Most of this commentary is so painful, it's cringe-worthy. (Also: I find the fact that he thinks Little Debbie looks obscene cause for worry.)

robinlandseadel
robinlandseadel

You forgot "Speedy", the Alka-Selzer mascot. One weird and wired lil' tweaker, that one.

Derek
Derek

Is that 3rd photo Gorty or Alec Baldwin? 

armchair editor
armchair editor

"Tell it to the hand," as the expression goes...

What expression? I believe you were thinking of talk to the hand, and if you were, that's how the expression went as it's been dead for eons in pop culture time.

Mbrt74
Mbrt74

Not very sharp or funny....pretty lame actually.....take a few lessons from the hilarious Eudie Pak, one of the best.

Borf
Borf

"... rubberized coat to keep YOU clothes dry?"

Sally Barry
Sally Barry

Isn't this a bit lame and old-fashioned for the Village Voice?  It's been done years ago, many times, on other sites.  It's also not very funny, but kind of sad and paranoid. Ha. Ha.

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