Nine Food TV Shows We'd Love To See

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How did food television become so boring and predictable? Umpteenth season of Top Chef? Yawn. Endless cupcake wars? Yawn. Paula Deen pouring more butter into the cake? Yawn. Guy Fieri tucking into another giant hamburger? Zzzzzzzzz. Well, the time has come to invent new types of food-themed shows, and here are a few modest suggestions.


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1. DeMarco's Way -- Between scrupulously constructed pies, pizza impresario Dominic DeMarco meets with shadowy Mafia figures in the dining room of his pizzeria, as long lines of reverent tourists and foodies look on. Together, Dom and the crime bosses plot the shakedown of other businesses along Brooklyn's Avenue J, and the firebombing of competing pizza parlors. CRIME DRAMA


2. Abercrombie & Fudge -- Mario Batali and Joe Bastianich play two charming ambulance-chasing lawyers who discover that they're capable of making the world's best chocolate fudge, and then use it to bribe police, judges, and court officers. Outlandish mayhem ensues. SITCOM


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3. Porked! -- Each week highlights a different celebrity chef, who takes over a tent at the local farmers' market, and uses his wiles -- and a series of cunning disguises -- to punk a gullible populace. Hilariously, he labels the meat he buys at Western Beef as "organic," tucks pieces of rotten cheese inside good ones, and sells "local" wines that have been decanted from five-gallon jugs of Yellowtail. The reactions of the customers when the "farmer" is revealed to be, say, Michael White or Christina Tosi are priceless. REALITY TV


4. Bean There, Done That -- In this prequel to The Office, Rainn Wilson (Dwight) decides to change his farm over from beets to cranberry beans. All the other actors are repurposed from the original series, with Jenna Fischer (Pam) playing a horny widow on the farm next door, Craig Robinson (Darryl) a sharecropper newly arrived from the South Carolina, and Kate Flannery (Meredith) the virtuous and brainy mayor of a small town. Steve Carell (Michael) makes his triumphant return as an itinerant margarine salesman. SITCOM



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