5 Drink Orders That Let Everyone Know You're an Asshole

Categories: Drink Up

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via Flickr
These guys hate their Vodka/Redbull buckets
Like every recreational activity, drinking has its share of snobs, slobs, and Average Joes. But one demographic the act of socially swallowing alcohol has in spades? Assholes. Hell, drinking practically turns people into them. So what can you, the putty-like, doe-eyed imbiber do to avoid becoming an anus personified? Heed our words and proceed with caution. Some beverages just seem to attract assholes. Hopefully you're not one of them.

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5. Craft beer or booze in places where they shouldn't be found

The craft movement is wonderful, and craft beers and distilled spirits are wonderful stuff, but please, check your surroundings. As lovers of food and drink, it's easy to get caught up in the exclusivity that comes into play with coveted products and ingredients. Still, that's no excuse for getting hand-tailored undergarments in a bundle. The person who asks for obscure brews at a rundown tavern is just as bad as the cocktail enthusiast who asks for five kid-size Sprites and two Ramos Gin Fizzes at Chuck E. Cheese. It's fine to insist on drinking only the most-rarefied libations, but don't throw a tantrum or, God forbid, post a bad Yelp review just because that Polish restaurant hasn't heard of cask ale.

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via Flickr
4. Any novelty shot of any kind, unless it contains Jell-O

Blowjobs, slippery nipples ... you are one risqué motherfucker. If you're out of college and asking for fanciful shots that would typically be scrawled on a sorority house chalkboard wall under a sparkly banner that reads, "Drinkin' With My Bitches!", take a long look in the mirror and then walk yourself straight into the ocean. Novelty shots are for people who've spent more than one reflective afternoon in amusement park jail. Jell-O shots get a pass because they're fun, customizable, and Bill Cosby says the darnedest things.

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via Flickr
3. Redbull/vodka

A drink drank by raging boners to fuel their raging boners (and girl boners), the vodka/RedBull is the spirits industry's speedball--a catastrophic mix of stimulant and depressant. Ordering one signifies to the people around you that you have run out of fucks to give. Your night is over even if it's only just begun.


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42 comments
FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

The fact that the author paid attention for several minutes watching a "boorish" oaf tells me all i need to know.  You drink alone a lot, I take?  Stick to your white wine spritzers and let the real men talk, son.

mavery1
mavery1

I guess I'll have to tell my sommelier friend she's an asshole.  She tells people better an ice cube in the wine than a too warm glass of wine,  And she also talks about how it;s common in much of Europe in the summer months.

keithkam191
keithkam191

No mention of jager? This really should have been a top ten list. High-end hard liquor + coke is another major  no-no.

Decker
Decker

Whoever wrote this should just drink at home and I sure hope they aren't behind a bar. People have different tastes so who cares if people like ice in their wine? Personally, I think it completely diminishes it, but so what? The whole point to order foo-foo shots, or ice in your wine, is that is what you want, you are having fun, and you are at a bar. A good bartender will smile and happily serve them. And it is important the patron tips appropriately for that special service. Occasionally I do enjoy a foo-foo shot when in a mixed crowd celebrating a milestone event. Whoever wrote this reminds me of the insolent turd sitting in his pretension at the end of the bar sipping his obscure selection believing himself to be sophisticated. Go inebriate in your basement.

goalie30
goalie30

THANK YOU for calling out the douchey shots aficionados. Every time I hear one of these frat boy dick wads call for a round of blow jobs (hehe! that means oral sex!) and then looks around to see who 'gets it' I want to smash their Hollister clad face into the bar.

"take a long look in the mirror and then walk yourself straight into the ocean."

Classic.

Btw, 'top hat boy' down below me here? You SCREAM Red Bull & Vodka. Douche.

Debaser7
Debaser7

What the fuck business is it of yours what other people drink?  Stop worrying about what other people think of you based on your cocktail order and focus on something more important, like how you order your steaks.  Anything over medium makes you an asshole.

kmunkres
kmunkres

Loudly asking for German or Japanese beer at a VFW post bar and complaining because they have none is a sure way to get booted out if not worse!  LOL! 

sk1bum
sk1bum

You forgot a couple of things:


6. Alcohol snobs


7. Any mention of a zombie apocalypse.  It's getting tired.

Berto
Berto

Mojitos, mojitos, mojitos, plus any bastardization (apple-tini, non-lime margie, etc)

larryk2
larryk2

The King Asshole was an asshole more because of his phone it sounds like.  The ice in white wine just makes him clueless. 

Don Green
Don Green

am so glad i stopped drinking before the internet. *or i would be featured in this. :n)

gold
gold

One of the best written and most concise articles I've read in a while.  I disagree about the Jello.  Also, it depends on the time. 3AM drinkers are a different crowd from the 9 PM amateurs. Look forward to a review of Chinese food after midnight. Thanks for the piece - Jean Shep on steroids.

Mauricio Arisso
Mauricio Arisso

Sometimes being a jerk isnt enough....u gotta write like one too

Mauricio Arisso
Mauricio Arisso

Person that wrote this is biggest douche I have ever seen. Such an angry drunk.

Brandon Ellis
Brandon Ellis

#6 Anyone who asks for 'call' or 'top shelf' liquor mixed with coke/diet coke or any other soda.

foustka1
foustka1

There is a difference between ordering craft beer when they have it, asking a place if they might consider carrying a specific type of beer (for example, asking your local bar to please carry just one single IPA), and throwing a tantrum that Finn McCools in Murray Hill doesn't have real guinness.  I know that this is a blog post, but publishing it under the imprimatur of the voice makes it into more of an article.  The wide brush it tars with just seems like more of the douchebaggery it is allegedly combating.  

chrisjp22
chrisjp22

I read this list hoping for a moment of levity, but all I managed to do was find a reason to be agitated.

Mr. Feldman's shallow perspective suggest a psychology that every bartender dreads: the chatty narcissist who knows everything.   He'd have a Grindr account if he didn't so enjoy annoying everyone around with his self-important observations and imposition of his precocious "insights."  Pissing people off with lists that betray the absence of depth or worthwhile experience is his favorite hobby.

Your mother smiles when she sees you, sir, but you will always be a disappointment. 

anononon
anononon

Really, you're gonna give a pass Jell-o shots because they're 'fun'? They're just as 'fun' as any of the other drinks on here, not to mention they're the frattiest type of frat shot of them all. Hypocrite. The title should be, "5 drink orders that make me think you're an asshole, because I don't drink them and I'm judgemental."

Al Cataldo
Al Cataldo

Problem Drinkers, that's why I got into 12-Step 15 yrs. ago, One Day at a Time xo

Adam Matza
Adam Matza

I would have to include Long Island Iced Teas.

Diane D'Angelo
Diane D'Angelo

I remember when the Village Voice did journalism.

jashue
jashue

No she didn't.

Having worked in the trenches of fine dining for YEARS before getting a job with a wine importer, I've been around more than my share of wine professionals. And there is NO WAY a sommelier would suggest that.

morrigansdelight
morrigansdelight

@Decker Thank you!  Sorry, I like my alcohol to actually taste good.  I'm exceedingly grown up in every other aspect of my life, goddammit I want a yummy adult beverage occasionally!  

Ice in my white wine, wine coolers, flavored vodkas (sometimes with red bull because this being an adult stuff is exhausting) and you're damn straight I'm ordering that Buttery Nipple!  Seriously - have you ever had one?  It's heaven in my mouth.  If fixing me a buttery nipple is below your dignity then just bring me the bottle of butterscotch schnapps.

goalie30
goalie30

@Maurice Arisso lol one of your FB pics has you with a bottled flavored vodka. DOUCHE. haha

dowell.colin
dowell.colin

@Maurice Arisso awww.. Did he hit a nerve?  You order all of these things on a regular basis don't you?  Except the craft beer- substitute with bud light lime and jager bombs.. yes?


erik_j_hughes
erik_j_hughes

@Maurice Arisso Wow - sounds like he DID hit a nerve! You must be exactly the kind of person he is writing about. Even your responses indicate that you are an asshole.

whateveryousay
whateveryousay topcommenter

@Brandon Ellis Sadly, my gal asks for "Belvedere and Diet Coke" and it kills me.  I'm dying to say something, but if I do it's no BJs for me.  


bernal.andy
bernal.andy

@chrisjp22 Your last line sounds like something you've said a million times before  

larryk2
larryk2

@Diane D'Angelo Whatever, hippie. 

mavery1
mavery1

@jashueIf you want to call my sommelier friend an asshole, that's OK. I'd love to hear what she calls you back.   If you want to imply I misunderstood her, that's OK.  However, you didn't do either.  I find your implication that I lied to be offensive. Bluntly, she said that, and I understood it.  Texas in the summer, Spain in the summer and south Europe in the summer are not New York City.  In Europe the emphasis is often more on enjoying than being absolutely correct on the nuances of whatever.  If someone buys wine and want to put ice in it, that's their call.  Not yours.

If you want my sommelier friend's  name and email address, I can arrange for that.  Then I suggest a touch of humility in your postings.  There are more things happening in the spirit world than you can dream of, and people don't need your approval, blessing or even your understanding to enjoy what they are drinking.


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