Five Food Gifts for the Asshole in Your Life

Categories: 2013 Gift Guide

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flickr/don.wing45
Fork in the Road is publishing a series of local gift guides this year -- one from each regular contributor. This one comes from Zachary Feldman.

No disrespect to any emotionally and physically scarred veteran estheticians out there, but we all know an asshole when we see one. Chances are, one of them may have even made your holiday shopping list by some unfortunate social or genealogical happenstance. If your particular asshole happens to enjoy food and dining culture, we've rounded up a few gifts that will leave recipients agape in disbelief with how spot on of a gift giver you are. So shop with confidence and take a good look at your friends and relatives: If the asshole in your life hasn't revealed themselves yet, you just might be getting one of these.

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New York Area Local Foods Wheel
5. Metro New York Area Local Foods Wheel, $7.50

Have you ever woken up to a glorious sunrise, punched yourself in the face, and then asked out loud, "What ingredients are in season at this very moment?" Although a quick internet search will provide the same information, this rotating dial shows the various fruits, vegetables, grains, meats, dairy products, and traditionally preserved regional foods available to city and surrounding area dwellers. If you know someone so perplexed by harvest cycles that they need a visual aid to help them shop, this is the gift for you.

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Li-Lac
4. "Pizza Slize" [sic] Chocolate Pizza Slice, $12

And you thought Dom DeMarco sold the most expensive slice in town. If your giftee can't get enough of the Big Apple's favorite doughy pastime, tease them with this solid slab of dark, milk, or white chocolate molded to look like a pizza slice with toppings. Not only does it not really look like pizza (mostly, it looks like a lumpy monotone triangle), but it tastes only of chocolate. Granted, that chocolate is from beloved city chocolatier Li-Lac, which has been in business since 1923 and makes some phenomenal confections, but as good as chocolate can be, it will never be pizza.

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Uncommon Goods
3. Honey Pot, $70

This is the gift Winnie the Pooh would buy himself if only he'd gotten an MBA at Wharton and wound up working at Hundred Acre Wood's premiere hedge fund (located inside actual shrub hedges). For most people, however, receiving a $70 honey pot is more of a burden than anything. Sure it's got a super sweet old-fashioned honey dipper, but we're guessing the novelty wears off quickly. Besides, cleaning that dipper is a pain in the ass (hole).


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4 comments
Donna Lauri Daniels
Donna Lauri Daniels

$400 jamon for my d-b BIL and his equally asshole wife? Nooooooo, lol And the thought of giving him #1 is enough to give me nightmares for life

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