​Is the American eating public ready for mayo in their tacos, and cilantro in their fast food?

The name of the thing put me on my guard. What the hell does "Pacific shrimp" mean? When I was a kid, "Gulf shrimp" meant something--wild shrimp from the Gulf of Mexico. But nowadays, nearly all shrimp we're exposed to are farmed in filthy and chemical-laden conditions along the Pacific coast of Thailand, so it's hard to get too excited about "Pacific shrimp."

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Mmmm! Yellowfin Tuna Florentine!

We've seen how the food industry takes terms like "Tuscan," stomps all over them, and then presents them back to us as their own newfangled flavor.

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Available next to the check-out register at Western Beef on West 16th Street are candies packaged by Cleopatra Candy of Brooklyn, New York, whose logo features a scary cobra, which is about as close as Cleopatra's art department could get to an asp, I guess. The web lists an address on 95th Street in Canarsie. The package caught my eye as I was buying a pair of cut-rate New York strip steaks (a little over $8 each). What a strange assortment of candy and toys, I thought as I plucked it down and added it to my grocery basket.

Here's a complete inventory of the $1.99 bag, obviously designed to catch the eye of addled adults:

1  Bon Bon Bum purple lollipop, made in Colombia

1  Bon Bon Bum red lollipop

1  One hollow blue plastic T. Rex, point of manufacture unknown

1  One white plastic bendable cow standing on its hind legs, made in China

2  Rainbow flat Tiger Pops lollipops, made in Colombia

1  Pink transparent plastic cell phone with neck cord bearing the date 2005, filled with a clear bubble solution, made in China

New Year's Eve 2008: We need a drink and we have no money, agreed? So last night I procured six bottles of cheap sparkling wines from Astor Wines (399 Lafayette Street) which is having a big sale right now on sparkling wines. So I was able to get these sparklers even cheaper than is usual, but I didn't include any that would normally sell for over $15.

Our intrepid team of neighbor-testers came over--they've cheerfully munched their way through taste testings of supermarket meat and Indian snack mix.

We tasted the wines blind, not knowing which was which. ( A pretty label distracts me. I also like shiny things.) Our criteria was simple: which wine would you most like to have a few glasses of on New Year's Eve? We kept it as simple as that because we were comparing a motley crew of sparkling wines from France and the US, Cava from Spain and Prosecco from Italy. We weren't trying to go all Wine Spectator on you, we were simply looking for the sparkler that was the most balanced and tasty.

The contenders:

Segura Viudas Brut Reserva Cava, Spain: $7.99 (sale price: $6.99)
Delacroix Blanc de Blancs Brut, France: $9.99 (sale price: $7.99)
Mia Prosecco, Italy: $9.99 (sale price: $4.99)
Chandon Brut Classic, CA: $14.99 (sale price: $12.99)
Domaine Ste. Michelle Brut, Washington state: $9.99 (sale price: $8.49)
Gruet Brut, New Mexico: $12.99 (sale price:$10.99)

The winners and losers after the jump.
 
 
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Making your own edible gifts always seems like a fun idea...until you try to roll out some gingerbread dough on the non-existent countertop in your New York kitchen. Still, this year I was compelled to do something. I found a recipe on epicurious.com for Chocolate Candy Cane Cookies that looked tasty, attractive for gifting, and easy enough in that they required neither rolling out nor piping of frosting nor meringue. Plus, the ingredient list was simple enough that I thought I'd be able to find everything in my Brooklyn neighborhood and not have to make a special subway trip to the Whole Foods.

Of course, it wasn't quite so simple in the end. By the time I was assembling my little chocolate cookie+peppermint buttercream sandwiches one-by-one, I was tired, I'd been to no less than four stores, and I couldn't help but wonder if the homemade treats were even worth it. Would the cookie recipients even care?  Today, when I tasted my hours of shopping and handy-work, I decided my efforts were not in vain. They tasted like a love-child conceived of a threesome between Girl Scout Thin Mint, brownie, and peppermint ice cream. After the jump, more pictures of the cookies and a recipe walk through.

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After three months that left us on tenterhooks, longtime West Village favorite Patisserie Claude has reopened--sans Claude. The gruff French pastry chef has left the business in the hands of his able assistant Pablo, who was able to arrange financing to keep the place open. After a renovation that left the premises looking identical as far as we can tell, the place is once again packed with happy croissant eaters. The signed picture of violinist (and Django Reinhardt pal) Stephane Grappelli is gone, presumably returned to France with Claude. In its stead is a picture of Claude and Pablo, who is the new pastry chef. We delighted to see Pablo once again at work among the convection ovens in the cramped room behind the counter, training a new assistant.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, here's your regular spam (right) and your "hickory smoked" (left)

This Sunday's New York Times business section featured a story about the resurgence of Spam. Although Hormel wouldn't cooperate with the article, workers at the Spam factory in Austin, Minnesota told the reporter that they've been working crazy overtime since July. Spam is being cranked out non-stop, seven days a week, apparently because the economy is causing people to reconsider the canned, pink, ham-ish product.

Spam sales are presumably up because it's cheap, but at Fairway, chicken thighs are $1.99 per pound, while Spam is $2.89 for 12 ounces. Still, Spam is very affordable, ready-to-eat and you don't have to add flavorings. Plus, you can't eat too much of it.

Spam is very popular in Hawaii and the Philippines, where it was introduced by American servicemen during World War II. If all those people who like delicious adobo also like Spam, it can't be so bad, right?

I'm no stranger to molded meat, both industrial (hot dogs) and fancy (rillettes, head cheese) but I have somehow gone my whole life without eating Spam. There's no reason that I should be squeamish about it, having happily eaten pretty much every part of the pig already. Even so, there's something creepy about the way Spam glistens. But it turns out to taste just like the inside of a hot dog.

If we're all going to lose our jobs and hunker down in a bunker eating canned meat, you want at least one nice recipe for the bunker holiday party, right? So into DTK (DiGregorio Test Kitchens) I went, armed with two cans of Spam (one regular, one hickory smoked) and lots of oil.

Here's what happened. And they taste pretty good. Actually, they're amazing.

The future of entertaining

Crispy Spiced Spam Skewers
Yield: 6 skewers

1 (12-ounce) can Spam (hickory smoked or original)
canola oil, for deep-frying
1/2 cup panko
1/2 cup rice flour
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons chili powder (preferably Gebhardt brand)
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
2 eggs
To serve:
bottled barbecue sauce
booze of your choice

Slice the Spam length-wise into 6 playing-card-shaped pieces. Set aside. Into a large, heavy pot, pour the oil to a depth of about 4 inches. Place the oil over medium-high heat, and allow the oil to reach 350 degrees. (You can approximate this by dropping a pinch of flour into the oil. If it sizzles immediately, the oil is hot enough.)

In a medium bowl, combine the panko, rice flour, salt, chili powder and baking soda. Mix well. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs. Take a piece of Spam, immerse it in the eggs, and then dredge it in the panko mixture, pressing the panko onto the surface of the Spam until well coated. Repeat with remaining slices.

Working in two batches (to avoid crowding the pan), fry the slices of Spam in the oil until golden and crispy, 3 to 5 minutes. Remove, and place the Spam on paper towels to absorb excess oil. Stick a skewer in each piece, and serve with bottled barbecue sauce and lots of booze.

Forget the rather frou-frou name -- Burger Creations throws down its albeit tiny gauntlet to the esteemed burger chain Five Guys, which has been steamrollering around town lately, setting up branches in every available space. Burger Creations creates a similar size burger, then dumps it on a luxe brioche bun with the usual virtuous roughage and mayo-based sauce. Both burger establishments use freshly ground beef ("Never frozen" they both chortle). The difference lies in the fact that, at Burger Creations, you can order your patty done the way you want it, and fear of salmonella be damned. Five Guys, in their correct corporate manner, cooks your beef to a cinder, and one depends upon the accoutrements to provide much-needed moisture. Not everything at Burger Creations is worth scarfing -- the fries are not as good as Five Guys, and the vegetarian burger is like gooey undercooked falafel -- but I'm still dreaming of the burger. In fact, I'm going to jump on my bike and get one right now. 52 East 8th Street, 212-539-1909

"Hey, this one looks like blood sausage! Or it could be my kidney," quoth Our Man Sietsema, demonstrating.

In a convincing imitation of Mario Andretti, I drove my rattling, on-the-verge-of-death Toyota all over the city this morning, gathering up the bagels that you out there think are the best in the city. Luckily, your votes turned out to give us four well-regarded bagel spots that cut a nice swath through the boroughs: Bagel Hole in Park Slope, Brooklyn, Bagel Boy in Bay Ridge and Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn, Bagel Oasis in Fresh Meadows, Queens, Ess-a-Bagel on 1st Avenue and 21st Street in Manhattan.

As soon as Robert (Our Man Sietsema) walked in, he asked me if I knew what constituted a real bagel versus a fake bagel. Real ones, I said, have to be boiled briefly before baked. Yes, he said, but some places use steaming machines instead of boiling them properly, and those fake bagels have a telltale bumpy grid on their bottoms.

We flipped the bagels and they all checked out okay except Bagel Boy's, which was marred by the telltale imprint of the steaming machine. Fakers! Steamed bagels! Sagels? Fagels? Anyway.

Robert didn't know where the bagels were from and tasted them blind. I had set up the tasting and written the shop names on the bottoms of the plates, and then promptly tried to forget which was which. Forgetting stuff comes naturally to me.

We were looking for a slightly crisp-chewy crust (I like some blistering) and a moist-crumbed, dense interior that was neither dry nor undercooked, tasty, a little malty and yeasty but not too sweet. We didn't toast the bagels or sex them up with toppings.

Plain Bagels

Left to right: Ess-a-Bagel, Bagel Hole, Bagel Oasis, Bagel Boy

Ess-a-Bagel: This one eked out first place, on the strength of its chewy crusty exterior and not-too-sweet, yeasty interior. Sure, it might be a little overweight, but it's damn good.
RS: "It's like the first girl you ever kiss or your first pizza. It imprints as the best."

Bagel Hole: The plain runner up, we liked that the longer you chew this dense little number, the better it tastes. The satisfying, starchy finish sneaks up on you. It looks like a little rock, with a very tough, chewy crust, and a very dense interior. You could probably knock someone out with it.
RS: "I appreciate its compactness. You could put it in your pocket without making a mess."

Bagel Oasis: This one looked the part, but didn't deliver on flavor. It had a nicely blistered crust (which Sietsema thought was a bit too tough, but I liked) but it tasted...eh. Like a bagel.
RS: "It has a pellicle like some giant insect!"

Bagel Boy: We were already biased against this bagel, knowing that it had been machine-steamed rather than boiled. And its texture was not right: puffy, spongy, slick.
RS: "It's like a cheap, shiny new car that you know won't last more than 20,000 miles."

Pumpernickel Bagels

Left to right: Ess-a-Bagel, Bagel Hole, Bagel Oasis, Bagel Boy

Bagel Hole: It takes a lot to get two professional eaters to just shut up and say "That's good," but that's what this delicious bagel did for us, and neither of us are natural pumpernickel fans. Fragrant, wallops of caraway, crusty, dense, a little sweet.

Bagel Oasis: We liked the nicely blistered, chewy crust. Best for caraway haters, since it's milder than the others.
RS: "Nice salt component."

Ess-a-Bagel: Solidly in third, but meh. Simple.

Bagel Boy:
RS: "This looks like blood sausage. It could be my kidney!" [models]
SD: "That's funny, everyone coming by my desk commented that this one looked the best."
RS: "That's because they like meat."
The end.

Salt Bagels

Left to right: Ess-a-Bagel, Bagel Hole, Bagel Oasis, Bagel Boy

Bagel Oasis: Salted on the top and bottom, this one tasted kind of like a good pretzel. Chewy, yeasty, salty.
RS: "The most Teutonic of bagels."

Bagel Hole: Only salted on the top (which seems like it wouldn't work well if you wanted to eat it one half at a time), this one tasted pleasantly oniony for some reason.

The last two salt bagels did not meet with our approval and sent Robert off.

Bagel Boy: RS: "This bagel is trying to ingratiate itself with us."

Ess-a-Bagel: RS: "Skanky, like someone dragged it up 1st Avenue."

Info

Bagel Oasis
183-12 Horace Harding Expressway, Fresh Meadows (Queens)
718-359-9245

Ess-a-Bagel
359 1st Avenue
212-260-2252

Bagel Hole
400 Seventh Avenue, Brooklyn
718-788-4014

Bagel Boy (two locations)
1602 Avenue Z, Brooklyn
718-332-3444

8002 Third Avenue, Brooklyn
718-748-0366