FIRST LOOK: THE MAN BEHIND THE OiNK INVESTIGATION

rear_edmurrow: Good evening.

/lights cigarette

rear_edmurrow: This week, the popular music-sharing site OiNK was taken offline by authorities, and its 24-year-old suspected administrator was arrested and charged.

rear_edmurrow: A menacing message was placed on

/lights second cigarette

oinkth web thite that thtated a

rear_edmurrow: fuck it

/rips off filters, flicks off cherries, swallows cigarettes whole

rear_edmurrow: Ahem. A menacing message was placed on OiNK's web site announcing that an investigation has launched to learn the identities of OiNK sympathizers around the world.

rear_edmurrow: CBS has arranged an interview tonight with the man spearheading the inquiry, the junior senator from Wisconsin, Joseph McCarthy.

DudeWheresMcCarthy: ah hello

rear_edmurrow: Senator, please detail your aims with this investigation.

DudeWheresMcCarthy: well ah,the ah. . .

ahhh

i ahh

DudeWheresMcCarthy: sorry, i know you're comfortable in this medium but the internet is not my format of choice

rear_edmurrow: got you by the balls now b1tch

DudeWheresMcCarthy: look, i'm very aware that my persona and the word "mccarthyism" are regularly misused to prop up half-baked arguments by people all over the internet

DudeWheresMcCarthy: but seriously, fear mongering aside, you have to admit that music stealing is unethical and nobody who used Oinko didn't know it was a crime

rear_edmurrow: whatever music belongs to everyone duuude

you can't, like, own things

DudeWheresMcCarthy: you Oinko sympathizers have no one to blame but yourselves for stealing music

rear_edmurrow: man fuck you, you can't just go prosecuting people who steal stuff, what kind of kafkaesque orwellian nightmare are we living in

DudeWheresMcCarthy: do you even know who orwell is

rear_edmurrow: the dude who stood in front of the tank with the suitcase

aw shit 4:20

rear_edmurrow: /lights Parliament

shiiiiit lol

don't taze me broooooo

DudeWheresMcCarthy: Listen, I cannot win an argument with you in Internet-speak.

rear_edmurrow: Fine. All I have left to say is that if people steal from a bloated financial behemoth and face longer terms than sex offenders, I am going to laugh until I cry. Or wait, maybe I'll cry until I laugh.

DudeWheresMcCarthy: I think we can all agree with that sentiment.

rear_edmurrow: This is Edward R. Murrow. Good night, and good luck.

**OnlineHost** The studio lights dim.

rear_edmurrow: ...

oh god oh god oh god

/freaks the fuck out

rear_edmurrow: /rips out hard drive, tosses in microwave

so am i going to the "oz" jail or the "ernest goes to jail" jail

DudeWheresMcCarthy: the comforts of neither, the horrors of both

rear_edmurrow: in retrospect, downloading the new feist album was just barely worth it