iVoice: Rivers Cuomo Time-Travel Chat!

ANOTHER SOUND OF THE CITY CHAT ROOM EXCLUSIVE! JON BOIS HACKED INTO RIVERS CUOMO'S AOL ACCOUNT TO BRING YOU AN IM SCREEN-CAPTURE OF RIVERS CUOMO TALKING TO RIVERS CUOMO . . NO IDEA HOW JON BOY DOES IT, BUT LOOK MA, NO HANDS!

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Rivers Cuomo Back to the Future Chat!


Cuomover: /smokes a weed


Cuomover: oh fuck! i fuckin love to smoke a weed!


Cuomover: /thrusts crotch ironically


**OnlineHost** CuomoToMyWindow has entered the chatroom.


CuomoToMyWindow: Uh, hey, is this future chat?


Cuomover: no man it's present chat


CuomoToMyWindow: Well, what year is it?


Cuomover: i'm really not sure

/does the drugs

ohhh mannnn

sometimes i think i should write one or more songs about smoking the drugs


CuomoToMyWindow: Uh, all right.

Well who's the President?


Cuomover: um, hold on, let me turn on the news

ok billy mays is president


CuomoToMyWindow: Who's he?


Cuomover: he has a ponytail and is trying to pass some sort of oxiclean or ding king legislation

not my president


CuomoToMyWindow: Well, whatever. You're wearing glasses, so you must be old.


CuomoToMyWindow: Anyway, I logged on here to see how my future self is doing.


Cuomover: prettttty good man, i just came out with a new album


CuomoToMyWindow: Oh man, I bet you're on the Eggshell White album by now.


Cuomover: nah, we got to "the green album" and couldn't think of any other colors


CuomoToMyWindow: Hmm.

So tell me about your new album.


Cuomover: pffff

i just said "fuck it man" and released a bunch of demos that i found on my bedroom floor


Cuomover: check out some of the lyrics on this noise


Cuomover:

Street signs and traffic lights
Ever confusing me, too
Stop left, go right, no U-turn
Where's the God damn exit?


CuomoToMyWindow: what

oh my god


Cuomover: yeah awesome right

it's like, i'm just a nerd tryin' to drive around in a car! gimme some slack man! hahaha right


CuomoToMyWindow: Okay. In this song you're looking for an exit, so you're clearly on the interstate. Do expressways have stop signs in the future? Wouldn't that be dangerous?


Cuomover: yeah it's a pretty harsh realm


CuomoToMyWindow: Level with me here. How long ago did you just completely stop trying?


Cuomover: well we did pinkerton, which was really good but only sold 9 copies

shortly after that we realized we could record a shitty 10-track, 24-minute album and call it "full-length"


Cuomover: our upcoming project is just a 4-minute-long recording of a cassette tape i found in my old talkboy

half of it is just me saying "hiii kids we're hoooome eeeearly"

haaaaaa


CuomoToMyWindow: What the hell is wrong with you? The Blue Album was awesome. I bet people still listen to it once in a while.


CuomoToMyWindow: I figured I'd come in here and at least find someone who still gave a fuck.


CuomoToMyWindow: You need to knock it off. You're completely pissing away my entire future. You're just coasting on the albums I'm making so you can peddle your stupid bullshit.


CuomoToMyWindow: Do you really just not care anymore?


Cuomover: how are you typing those big letters

oh that's uppercase right, lemme see if i can do that


Cuomover: ok i don't know how but i just opened 900 instances of solitaire

i am freaking out right now


CuomoToMyWindow: Okay, you know what? This devastates me, but I think I'm just going to find an ax and get someone to chop off my hands. That way I'll never be able to make music again, but neither will you. At least we'll have our dignity.


Cuomover: all right broseph, take it sleazy


**OnlineHost** CuomoToMyWindow has left the chatroom.


Cuomover: whoa

/stares at hand

fingers are weird, they're like little snakes with fingers on them


**OnlineHost** Cuomover's hands have suddenly disappeared, with cleanly amputated stumps where they used to be.


Cuomover: ...

WEEEIIIRD


Cuomover: all right hold up

/stares at stack of angry, disappointed fan mail


Cuomover: ...


**OnlineHost** Nothing happens.


Cuomover: what the fuck it's not working anymore


Cuomover: and how am i still typing

ProgressiveBoink.com
jonbois@gmail.com

 

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