All Tomorrow's Parties: Now In List Form!

Can you spot the author? photo by Abbey Braden for ATP

Words can get heavy, man, which is why we asked Christopher R. Weingarten to distill a weekend's worth of ATP hysteria into a much more manageable variety of numbers and statistics. Disregard that many-mornings-after-after hangover and follow along below.

Number of bands opening for My Bloody Valentine: 34

Youngest you can be if you can say "When Loveless came out, we played it all the time on the college station": 34

Most deceptive line in the ATP FAQ: "There will be food vendors on-site with several options covering carnivores, vegetarians and vegans." "Vegan options" in this case means "we won't put meat in this gyro."

Most pleasant surprise: The smell. When was the last time you saw a show with 3,000 indie rock fans and everyone smelled nice? Seriously, every show in New York should be $225 and full of friendly European tourists.

Cheap thrill of the weekend: Riding the spinning ladybug in the playground. He's on ball-bearings and KY Jelly. He's probably still spinning.

Worst Flickr goldmine: The two dozen photographers shooting Tortoise. Hope you like pictures of gear!

The two items that J.A.M. Handbags and Luggage will not be selling nearly enough of come Monday: Earplugs and rolling papers.

Number of times I heard the DJs play Battles' 2007 hit "Atlas": 3

Video game in the arcade that I simply want to point out exists: Lethal Weapon 3 pinball.

Hot crime: In lieu of getting a hotel room, breaking into someone's car, reclining their seat and crashing for the night. (FYI, you left your lighter, homeboy.)

Lame crime: Stealing a some sort of decorative dog made by an 11-year-old girl. Yes, this happened.

Best pandering to the locals: Edan beatmatching the Velvet Underground's "Femme Fatale" and Run-DMC's "Sucker MC's."

Worst pandering to the locals: EPMD try to get an audience of Les Savy Fav fans to rap along to Biggie's "Hypnotize"

Best line in Andy Warhol's Flesh For Frankenstein, which I watched in the Criterion-curated movie theatre instead of going to see Yo La Tengo: "To know life, Otto, you have to fuck death… in the gall-bladder."

Best Lightning Bolt idiot: The dude who just sat in front of the speakers mid-set and ate pretzels

Second best Lightning Bolt idiot: The clearly wasted dude who was using Brian Chippendale's cymbal as an armrest

Number of bands that pointed out how creepy and quiet the audience always was at Stage 2, where there was a creepy chandelier: At least 2

Stop clapping!: You're messing up Mogwai.

Saddest use of security: Stopping a bunch of thirtysomethings from moshing when Bob Mould closed with a few Husker Du songs

Most awkward chant in the history of awkward chants: MY BloodyVAL EnTINE! MY BloodyVAL EnTINE!

Most apocryphal drug offered: Mushroom taffy

Best merch: this guy!