Interview: Andrew "Dice" Clay

And what actor is that?

You know, I can't say. What it comes down to is the comedy and the live performance: when I walk into a theater, the mania that's taking place again--I mean that's what is unbelievable to me. The audiences are ferocious. It might as well be 1988 again.

Does your show include old-school material?

I don't do an old act... I do all new material.

Yeah, there is sexual stuff, but it's updated. Like what slobs women have become--even worse than before because they get this stuff off the Internet, and instead of being original in bed they're following what everyone is doing in porno on the Internet. It's unbelievable and I've witnessed it and I've lived it. I can't believe it. It's like I almost want to say to one girlfriend, "Hey, did you talk to the other one I was going out with because you're doing the exact same thing?" It doesn't pay to break up. It really doesn't 'cause all the new ones are doing the same exact same thing.

And you want to know something? When it comes to break-ups you never really break-up today, because of texting, you know, it's unbelievable. Like even during Christmas I got texted from a girl I haven't talked to in a year and half. Because years ago you had the balls to actually pick up the phone but I get this text, "I was just thinking about you." I was looking at this fucking thing.

Did you text her back?

Yeah, I said, "I was just thinking about you." Two days later, she was in my bed making another dent. I mean unbelievable. And I probably wont see her for another year and a half.

So you're pretty tech-savvy?

I'm not good at it, but I can do it. So what else... Me and my wife broke up in 2002 but since then I've gone through 26 mattresses. I've tried to figure out how many mattresses people go through--maybe one or two. Twenty-six since we broke up, because it's like these beds can't take a beating. I'll spend like $3,000, $4,000 and keep going back. I've bought like five mattresses from one store, it's like these beds can't handle what is going on. And these chicks aren't even fat.

Does your new show mention our soon-to-be President?

It's not that political. It's just about making 'em laugh. When I go on stage I feel the crowd, I begin wherever I begin and go wherever it goes. There's always the famous Mother Goose stuff that I end with but it's like giving them their hits, it's like how we all met, you know its like a first date like "Remember when I did that?" Other than that the act is [about] what asshole people there are in this world today.

But you know I am the most happiest when I am on stage or in bed with some chick, and just. I don't want to talk dirty to ya, you probably take it as dirty...

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