Real World Episode 7: Devyn's a "Sugarbutt" and Mice Invade the Red Hook Castle
Every week, Sharon Steel watches the Real World Brooklyn so nobody else has to. Last week, transgender housemate Katelynn repeatedly attacked stripper's poles. This week, boyfriends, girlfriends, and mice come to visit!
Ryan a/k/a the Idiot King and his long-term GF Belle
Did the cast of The Real World: Brooklyn apply for Public Library cards when they moved in? They should have. Because as we all know, King's County is where literary superstars are made, not born. And as we turn the corner of Episode 7, several hard-won alliances are beginning to solidify, separating the literary strongmen from the hack jobs. Not to mention their guests, who are now vacationing at the Red Hook Castle as if it were a regular ol' B&B. This week, Devyn and Idiot King Ryan entertained beaus and Belles! Also this week, Chetubular the Morminator revealed a magical power greater than the ability to summon holograms of abstinence-preaching Fox News pundits out of his satanic coke bottle glasses. Chet isn't destined to be the next Carson Daly, or Ryan Seacrest, or Pete Wentz--or any of the men he
loves idolizes. He's Dr. Phil Chetollins, and he just got a $5 million advance for a two-book deal, which totally made aspiring author Idiot King ever so jealous! Lean in close, and let the Morminator whisper sweet nothings of wisdom, along with the secrets of love, life, and the universe, into your willing ears!
"Of Mice and Devyn's Men" is what our MTV Overlords have dubbed this episode, and we must wonder what in God's name John Fucking Steinbeck would do if he ever found himself in a house like this. Instead of a story about two displaced migrant workers in California during the Depression, we've got a Castle full of eight Brooklyn transplants trying to Make Art during the Greatest Depression. What a stunning modern literary adaptation! (Steinbeck would have gotten very, very drunk at Sunny's Tavern and cursed them all, I think.) The mice plotline remains pure, however. Yes, you see, there is an unfortunate infestation in the Castle--at least it's not bedbugs!--and the girls went a little bit nuts, freaking their shit on countertops and squealing about the gross little vermin-things. Oh, actually, that was just J.D., but Sarah and Devyn found them pretty vile as well.
The real infestation in the Red Hook Castle
Because J. Dingus, Esq. is still pissed off that he lost the Ultimate Boyz vs. Girls Double Dare challenge and had to crawl through the slime pit without winning a trip to Disney World, he decides that he needs to prank Devyn, for being a college dropout, and Sarah, for having tattoos. So outside of Angels & Kings, he consults with Chetubular and Scott Zach Morris, and the boys decide it would be utterly hilarious--since the whole condom in the fish tank and backwards shoelace tying went so well--to buy a rat from a pet store and sneak it in a couple of the girls' beds. I should add that I was a bit confused by the editing of this scene, since Chetubular is wearing his Orville Redenbacher costume. Which either means it's still the night he interviewed his soul mate, Pete Wentz, or he actually wore that shit again. Vomitar.
J. Dingus purchases a nice, clean, white rat from the pet store, and Chetubular notes, because he is a British lord, all of a sudden: "We're just pleased as punch to know that we actually have the rat!" So Chetubular plants it in Devyn's bed while she sleeps, because Dingus would make a laughing noise if he did it. She wakes up, and there are rat feces, and a big kerfuffle, and the boys try hard not to giggle. Of course, Dingus, living up to his nickname, forgets that he's terrified of rats and suddenly mans up to help Dev extricate it from her room. She will remember this later, because she always does.
Devyn and her "semi-fiance" David
In the meantime, Devyn is dealing with bigger problems: she's got two men who want a piece of her, both of whom, we're led to understand, treated her poorly in the past and now have to make up for it by putting money in her bank account, sending squishy-lovey emails, buying her endless swag, and pretending it isn't just about her enormous rack. There's David, her "semi-fiancé," a club promoter who already bought Devyn a diamond ring that isn't flashy enough for her tastes, and Jim, a faceless non-boyfriend who is probably in it for the nookie. David comes to visit, however, and to the boisterous pop soundtrack of some song with a chorus that contains the phrase "Sugar Daddy," to make sure we understand the repercussions of what we're watching, Dev leads him on a skippy singy hippy tour of Red Hook. Rather, she allows him pay for a lot of stuff, tell her he loves her, and generally makes him look completely and utterly pussy-whipped. Dang. Like, seriously, this guy is gone, head over heels, and he definitely takes the abuse well. Jim's still ringing on the phone, sending e-mails, and calling Dev his "Sugarbutt," which the boys have taken to teasing Dev with in David's presence. In a truly horrific twist, at a restaurant, poor, wool-over-his-eyes David actually brings it up and says he thinks "Sugarbutt" is cute, but promises he won't "steal" it. Good, because that would be messed up, Dev thinks, with real fear in her eyes. What she actually says is: "Yeah, don't," and then orders him to whip out his credit card but refuses to hold his hand in public. "I'm not a player, because I don't do it on purpose," she clarifies.