"This Conversation Is Making Me Nauseous": Watching MTV's The City

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Uncle Jesse says hi

On last night's episode of The City, the gang (regrettably sans Olivia and Allie) headed to South Beach for a change of scenery. It's too cold in New York for bare-ass bikini wear, and besides, this is what this clique does best: side-shot T&A and handsome, arm-candy dudes to ogle it. But Whitney's boobs weren't the only thing that came out on this episode: Jay, her man-boy, increasingly looks like a fraud. In the first episode, Whitney's first model-crush Alex had warned her about Jay's philandering ways. Now that he's conveniently moved in, Whitney has become suspicious. This may be the byproduct of all the time Whitney has on her hands--a fixation on the question of whether your boyfriend is a scumbag sure passes the time, right?

Let's just pause to note a couple facts about this Aussie fellow. His real name is Brent Tuhtan. He dates only blondes: Tara Reid, Whitney, and some new broad who appears in this episode with the unlikely name of Dani. Like most beautiful people, Jay bounces around through various career paths: model, actor, musician, and lately, reality TV star. His "band," Tamarama, is pretty much MTV's attempt at creating an in-house version of the Monkees. Of fucking course he's a fraud!

In Miami, Whitney--though obviously still blinded by Jay's luscious brown mane--finally does some belated investigating. Jay's former female roommate, along as consort to one of the other Tamaramas, offers her assistance. Jay, she says, isn't who he seems to be: "He's interesting. He has a temper. He's untrustworthy. There's always little lies." Talk about an impeccable recommendation.

Dani, Jay's ex-broad, is lurking in Miami too, and when the deluded group makes it out to a club, she just happens to be there. "I don't care. It's not a big deal. There's no emotional attachment," Jay tells Adam when he spots her. Soon thereafter Jay approaches Dani--who looks like an edgier version of Whitney--and asks her if she has a new boyfriend. "I'm single!" she belts out. While girls blow kisses at Adam (??), Dani then confronts Whitney, saying "I'm sorry about all the problems I caused." Whitney, tossing her hair to the side, a) Punches Dani in the face, b) Tells her to "fuck off," or c) Allows Erin to kick Dani in the shins. If you've been sacrificing your Monday nights like I have, you would know that was a trick question. Whitney does neither of those things, because all she ever does is nothing.

The episode ends back in Manhattan, where Whitney has it out with Jay in their apartment as they talk at each other from opposite ends of the room. "When you have to over justify yourself, that usually means there's something to hide...I don't want to be played for a fool." Too late, buddy. "I thought this wasn't an issue anymore," Jay says. "I feel sick," Whitney says. "This conversation is making me nauseous." You and me both!

Meanwhile, Allie and Adam are also in ruins. His wandering eye and her low-self esteem do not make for a good combo. After Erin informed Allie that Adam was surrounded by girls in Miami, the lovely little model has decided it's time for a break. I don't know what's more outrageous this week, the fact that this 95-pound emaciated zombie brags about having a gym membership, or that she's attempting to leave Adam, the only man beautiful and vacant enough to truly understand her.


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