American Idol Results: Kanye West Performs "Heartless," Adam Lambert Safe, Paula's Boobs Look Incredible!

Sharyn Jackson is your American Idol host for season eight. This week: the Top 13!

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¡Adios, Jorge!

There's a new Idol rule, the judges can make a unanimous decision to save one cast-off one time only--and only up until the Top 5. This is to avoid future J-Hud and Daughtry early boot blunders. When the judges cash in, no one goes home, but the following week, two will say goodbye. I think this is acceptable, though slightly fascist display of power--taking it out of the people's hands is probably smart overall, but leaves me feeling a little disconcerted. Thoughts?

Before we get down to business tonight, we have to endure a tour of the Idols' preposterous housing situation--what is this, Real World LA: Music Challenge? That mansion is really unnecessary; we are in a recession after all. Next in our endurance test is a group sing of Jackson 5 hits. Then we get the first Ford music video of finals, the making of which Michael Sarver says was the coolest part of the experience so far. How much did he get paid to say that?

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Kanye West "sings"

The Verdicts

Michael Sarver, Matt Giraud, Kris Allen are all safe, but Jasmine Murray and Megan Corkrey are sent center stage. Ultimately it's Jasmine who is the first eliminated. She tortures us with "I'll Be There" again, and the judges unanimously agree not to keep her in competition. During her video montage, the new Idol alum goodbye song debuted, and I gotta be honest here, I had no idea who was singing it. Carrie Underwood.

Kanye West shows up to "sing" "Heartless," leaps on a table before hysterical fans, and then it's back to results. Scott MacIntyre, Alexis Grace are safe. Danny Gokey changed his glasses to another awesome pair, and he is also safe. Then, a shot of Paula's boobs, which look incredible.

Adam Lambert is safe! For the first time in history, a gay contestant is not eliminated in the first round of finals! I have new hope for this country. Lil Rounds is also safe, but Anoop Desai and Jorge Nunez are sent to the center to await their fates.

Kelly Clarkson pays a visit and she is looking chunky! But isn't that why we voted her the first American Idol--'cause we loved that a woman with thunder thighs could become a populist pop star? I mean, without Idol, we'd be without so many fine plus-size singers: Jennifer Hudson, Jordin Sparks, Fantasia Barrino. Kelly does her new "Since U Been Gone"--"My Life Would Suck Without You" and it seems her backing band isn't looking so fit, either. Whatevs, I heart Kelly.

And back to the results--Anoop is safe, and the judges diss Jorge and send him back to PR. Jorge will be missed! For as long as an American attention span, which is till the next commercial break is over.

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Kelly Clarkson: somehow "My Life Would Suck Without U" was not written by the Lonely Island