The 50 Worst Songs of the '00s, F2K No. 3: Tila Tequila, "I Love U"
F2K is a countdown of the 50 worst songs of the decade. Track our progress here.
In which the poster girl for MySpace's musical efforts asks the timeless question, "And who the fuck is this bitch on your page, with her big-ass tits up on your top eight?"
Remember when the Internet was going to, like, revolutionize music? No longer would fans be subjected to the tyranny of evil corporate overlords and the manufactured garbage that they loved to shove down peoples' throats! "Real" music would triumph! Songs over image! Quality over artifice! The future is now, man!
And who better to serve as the face of this democratization of the pop landscape than... a glorified camgirl whose first single would be a collab with Lil Jon and who would later ditch music for reality-TV love? Tila "Tequila" Nguyen first rose to prominence as an online model with her very own members-only boobie-pix site; she posed for the online iteration of Playboy, appeared on Ted Nugent's Wild West reality-TV series Surviving Nugent, and used her nudity-borne fame to sell clothing. ("I added new panties to Tila Fashion and it's really cute!!! It says, 'TAP THAT ASS' on the backside cuz you know you wanna tap that shit! hahahaha! And the front has the really cute skull logo that says 'HOT' on it." Branding, everybody!) All this time, though, she was also playing music around (of course) Los Angeles, and her particular combination of pluck and cleavage-flaunting resulted in her eventually becoming the musician most associated with the spamtastic social-networking site MySpace.
Lead Black Eyed Pea will.i.am, always ready to chase a trend, signed Tila to his vanity imprint in April 2006 -- just as MySpace was about to be eclipsed by Facebook in the online-friendship game. Perhaps this is why her first single wound up being a self-released affair, one that she blog-begged her 1.7 million so-called fans to buy. (Which they didn't, even though it smartly came bundled with a skin-filled video.) Or maybe "I Love U" is so atrocious that even will.i.am -- who this past decade proved time and time again that he was willing to hold his nose and smile for as long as possible as long as there was some sort of payout when all was said and done -- wanted nothing to do with it?
It very well might be the latter! "I Love U" is a mess of a song. Over a Crunk For Dummies beat, Tila spews forth lyrics that make one realize that you can't spell "violence" without the letters l, o, v, and e. "I...I...I think I love you," she says at the song's outset. How sweet! And vaguely Chaka Khan-ish! And there's more: "So don't think I'm crazy when I tell you this." OK, what? Are you going to tell your beloved that you've bought him a gun rack? "But if you ever hurt me..." OK... "I'll fuckin' kill you." Yipes!
Things take off from there, with Tila going on an expletive-laden tirade against her lover. (In the Internet age, you see, you don't have to worry about FCC fines!) He might be cheating, or he might just have a pal with ample breasts in his MySpace top eight, or he might just be sick of getting eight thousand angry phone calls when he's out with his friends; it's unclear. The only thing that is crystallized by Tila's bleating is that she is deadly serious about her self-proclaimed status as "the crazy bitch [who] ain't got no shame" -- at the end of the song, she caterwauls "I love you, I love you, I love you..." over and over again in such a way that you think she's been propelled into some sort of catatonic state thanks to some in-studio overindulgence in Little Jonathan Chardonnay.
The 50 Worst Songs of the '00s: The Complete List
50. brokeNCYDE, "Bree Bree"
49. LL Cool J feat. Jennifer Lopez, "Control Myself"
48. The Moldy Peaches, "Who's Got The Crack"
47. Akon, "Sorry, Blame It On Me"
46. Dynamite Hack, "Boyz-N-The-Hood"
45. James Blunt, "You're Beautiful"
44. Aaron Carter, "America A O"
43. Basshunter, "Please Don't Go"
42. 3 Doors Down, "Kryptonite"
41. Vanessa Hudgens, "Sneakernight"
40. Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Iommi, and the Wu-Tang Clan, "For Heaven's Sake 2000"
39. Aubrey O'Day feat. Roscoe Umali, "Never Fallin'"
38. Say Anything, "Got Your Money"
37. Satellite Party feat. Jim Morrison, "Woman In The Window"
36. Lady Sovereign, "Food Play"
35. Hampton The Hamster, "The Hampsterdance Song"
34. Happy Mondays, "Jelly Bean"
33. Heidi Montag, "Higher"
32. Smash Mouth, "I Wan'na Be Like You (The Monkey Song)"
31. 50 Cent, "Amusement Park"
30. Swizz Beatz with Ja Rule and Metallica, "We Did It Again"
29. John Mayer, "Your Body Is A Wonderland"
28. Xiu Xiu, "Support Our Troops OH (Black Angels OH)"
27. Kelly Osbourne and Ozzy Osbourne, "Changes"
26. Beastie Boys, "In A World Gone Mad"
25. Weezer, "Heart Songs"
24. Gummibar, "I Am Your Gummy Bear (The Gummy Bear Song)"
23. Santana feat. Chad Kroeger, "Into The Night"
22. The Notorious B.I.G. ft. Bob Marley, "Hold Ya Head"
21. Crazy Frog, "Last Christmas"
20. Gym Class Heroes, "Taxi Driver"
19. Nickelback, "Something In Your Mouth"
18. Toby Keith, "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue (The Angry American)"
17. Simple Plan, "Perfect"
16. William Hung, "O Come All Ye Faithful"
15. Hinder, "Born To Be Wild"
14. Korn, "Ya'll Want A Single?"
13. Sugababes Vs. Girls Aloud, "Walk This Way"
12. Disturbed, "Land of Confusion"
11. Darryl Worley, "Have You Forgotten?"
10. Fieldy's Dreams, "Baby Hugh Hef"
9. Ashlee Simpson, "La La"
8. Limp Bizkit and Johnny Rzeznik, "Wish You Were Here"
7. Nicole Scherzinger, "Puakenikeni"
6. Hot Action Cop, "Fever For The Flava"
5. Alvin & The Chipmunks, "Get Munk'd"
4. Blue October, "Jump Rope"
3. Tila Tequila, "I Love U"
2. Artists Against AIDS Worldwide, "What's Goin' On (Fred Durst's Reality Check Mix)"
1. Counting Crows ft. Vanessa Carlton, "Big Yellow Taxi"
50 - 31 were originally published on Idolator.com