Ten Headlines You Will Never Read After SXSW

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Craig Hlavaty
"SXSW Attendee Doesn't Want That Free Beer"

1. "Random Guy With Guitar On Street Signed To Major Record Label"

2. "AT&T Makes Up For Past SXSW Coverage With Zero Dropped Calls, Lightning-Fast Connection"

3. "Wristband Holders Have Nothing But Love And Respect For Badge Holders"

4. "Acquaintance Who Says, 'Sorry I Missed Your Show' Actually Means It"

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5. "Area Man Holding 'Free Hugs' Sign Gets Tons Of Out-Of-Town Pussy"

6. "Hotel Mini-Bar Left Untouched"

7. "Hipster Tweets About Meeting Obscure Bands, Doesn't Annoy Followers"

8. "MySpace 'Secret' Show Stays Secret"

9. "All Bathroom Stalls at Vice After-Party Only Have One Occupant"

10. "Waiting in 300-Person Line Best Decision Ohio Man's Ever Made"

Bonus: "Relationship at Home Remains Unthreatened by Conversation With Hot Swedish Guitar Player"

As imagined by Bill Jensen, with contributions from Erin Broadley, Craig Hlavaty, Nick Rallo, Alexia Tsotsis. All Village Voice Media's SXSW coverage here.

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