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By Chris Molanphy

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Elaborate Web Shenanigans

The Worst Band Name in New York: We're Putting It to a Vote

By Rob Harvilla Wed., Jul. 7 2010 at 7:30 AM

Categories: Ching Chong Song, Elaborate Web Shenanigans, Featured, Food Stamps, Freelance Whales, Harvilla, Phil and the Osophers, Wakey!Wakey!, Worst Band Name in New York Award

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Maybe next year

So last week, as you recall, we announced plans to find the single worst band name in this fair city -- a difficult task indeed, given the comment-section opprobrium heaped on the Ball of Flame Shoot Fires and Veal Estates and Vampire Weekends (heh) of the world. In fact, we are now officially stumped: We can't pick between five worthy finalists. We'd be obliged if you could give us a hand.

We're putting it to a poll, folks. Sifting through our initial grievances and adding a few commenter suggestions, here are your five finalists:

Vote now; polls are open until Friday evening. Winner receives a trophy. Probably. Or at least we have an idea for a trophy that we'll describe to you in detail.

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MIA is goin insane on dat new song XXXO! The words iz fierce but tha video aint that special...
MIA is goin insane on dat new song XXXO! The words iz fierce but tha video aint that special...
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OKAY... 1. "CHING CHONG SONG" is actually a pretty good name. It flows off the tongue excellently, it has style, wit, and is memorable and singular. The ONLY objection simpletons have with it is the "political correctness" issue, and only A-HOLES believe in censorship and PC nonsense like that. (Fucking Fake Liberals!) (Oh, what about my hit single "God Is Like A Billion Hitlers"? Youtube that bitch!) Its critics are, therefore, INSINCERE and (impressively) moronic. 2. "PHIL AND THE OSOPHERS" is also actually not bad. (Same reasons as above.) It's clearly tongue in cheek and deliberately stoopid in a way that "Clap Your Hands And Say Yeah" is NOT (and is easily more wretched than ANY of your entries)-- ditto awful names like "TV on the Radio" or "Radiohead". Witless and BORING. (Rock music is supposed to be FUN, remember?) [Harvilla cracks open another Smirnoff Ice paid for with the profits from his pay-to-play adventures...] 3. "FREELANCE WHALES" is indeed ghastly. Then again, most names are GHASTLY. ("The Beatles"? Ugh! "The Rolling STones"? HORRIBLE! "U2"??? Doesn't fit them in any way, except that it's wicked gay!) 4. "WAKEY!WAKEY!" isn't the worst, but it's a bit... cloying. WHY CAN'T BANDS COME UP WITH GREAT NAMES? It isn't very hard! You just can't be a fucktard. [author skims thru the paper to pull up random bad names..] "TAKKA TAKKA"? YUCK! "AUTHORITY ZERO"? EWWW! "HOT CHIP"? DREADFUL! "HANK & CUPCAKES"??? [I love them though] "TED LEO AND THE PHARMACISTS"? ICK! "WILCO"??? "CROWDED HOUSE"?? 90% of band names SUCK! NOW HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE 10,000 GEMS I'VE COME UP WITH: (keep in mind that the SOUND of the band is critical... some names don't CLICK unless you see/hear the act) [NOTE! These are NOT my best. I just grabbed a random list nearby...] SILVER ASSHOLES [the cd's called "Leave Them Wanting Less"!] WOMBSCRAPE VAPORIZER RUINS [that's the THC-spent leftovers] RAPE LASER the OPENINGS INHALER [deathmetal. the singer takes hits off his ashthma inhaler tween lyrics!] LADY DRIVER [think for a moment..] THE UNITED FEDERATON OF DELICIOUS ANIMALS Tears OF Fear FLAMEBLANKET TASER TOTS [kids with electronics!] SCUMSHINE [super-heavy sludge pop!] DAWSON'S CREEP [dated, yeah...] AMICABLE LESBIAN BREAKUP [string quintet!] PRIESTMEAT [disco cruch-metal] THE DELICIOUS MISTAKES [avant-retards] HYPOTHETICAL CHONDRIAC TWIN TOWERS [collapsing chaos rock] This is my B-list material! Of course, I was in bands called "HAUNTED PUSSY" [histrionic fear-metal] and "YOUR BOYFRIEND's BAND SUCKS!" but I didn't name either of them! My (imaginary) karaoke bar is called "Cathedral of Onanism"!! xoxox, The Ghost of Touching You
OKAY... 1. "CHING CHONG SONG" is actually a pretty good name. It flows off the tongue excellently, it has style, wit, and is memorable and singular. The ONLY objection simpletons have with it is the "political correctness" issue, and only A-HOLES believe in censorship and PC nonsense like that. (Fucking Fake Liberals!) (Oh, what about my hit single "God Is Like A Billion Hitlers"? Youtube that bitch!) Its critics are, therefore, INSINCERE and (impressively) moronic. 2. "PHIL AND THE OSOPHERS" is also actually not bad. (Same reasons as above.) It's clearly tongue in cheek and deliberately stoopid in a way that "Clap Your Hands And Say Yeah" is NOT (and is easily more wretched than ANY of your entries)-- ditto awful names like "TV on the Radio" or "Radiohead". Witless and BORING. (Rock music is supposed to be FUN, remember?) [Harvilla cracks open another Smirnoff Ice paid for with the profits from his pay-to-play adventures...] 3. "FREELANCE WHALES" is indeed ghastly. Then again, most names are GHASTLY. ("The Beatles"? Ugh! "The Rolling STones"? HORRIBLE! "U2"??? Doesn't fit them in any way, except that it's wicked gay!) 4. "WAKEY!WAKEY!" isn't the worst, but it's a bit... cloying. WHY CAN'T BANDS COME UP WITH GREAT NAMES? It isn't very hard! You just can't be a fucktard. [author skims thru the paper to pull up random bad names..] "TAKKA TAKKA"? YUCK! "AUTHORITY ZERO"? EWWW! "HOT CHIP"? DREADFUL! "HANK & CUPCAKES"??? [I love them though] "TED LEO AND THE PHARMACISTS"? ICK! "WILCO"??? "CROWDED HOUSE"?? 90% of band names SUCK! NOW HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE 10,000 GEMS I'VE COME UP WITH: (keep in mind that the SOUND of the band is critical... some names don't CLICK unless you see/hear the act) [NOTE! These are NOT my best. I just grabbed a random list nearby...] SILVER ASSHOLES [the cd's called "Leave Them Wanting Less"!] WOMBSCRAPE VAPORIZER RUINS [that's the THC-spent leftovers] RAPE LASER the OPENINGS INHALER [deathmetal. the singer takes hits off his ashthma inhaler tween lyrics!] LADY DRIVER [think for a moment..] THE UNITED FEDERATON OF DELICIOUS ANIMALS Tears OF Fear FLAMEBLANKET TASER TOTS [kids with electronics!] SCUMSHINE [super-heavy sludge pop!] DAWSON'S CREEP [dated, yeah...] AMICABLE LESBIAN BREAKUP [string quintet!] PRIESTMEAT [disco cruch-metal] THE DELICIOUS MISTAKES [avant-retards] HYPOTHETICAL CHONDRIAC TWIN TOWERS [collapsing chaos rock] This is my B-list material! Of course, I was in bands called "HAUNTED PUSSY" [histrionic fear-metal] and "YOUR BOYFRIEND's BAND SUCKS!" but I didn't name either of them! My (imaginary) karaoke bar is called "Cathedral of Onanism"!! xoxox, The Ghost of Touching You
As the creator of the world's greatest band names (and having been hailed by dozens of VOice writers for the best song titles and stage names etc, and the NYPost contacted me months back and interviewed me about naming bands, blah blah) I feel I'm the most qualified to offer insight. (My first of 30 autobiographies is called "Surplus Of Wisdom"!) (The fourth is called "Mommy? If Gandhi Was Such A Great Man WHY Did They Kill Him?") EVIDENCE: some random song titles by me... (ie these ain't my top 50) "Has He Taken My Spot (In Your Heart's Parking Lot)?" [tearjerking ballad] "Love Is God's Way Of Saying 'Fuck You'" [accidentally sounds like 1974 Genesis!] "ABBA's Cadavers" [about a tragic plane crash in Sweden!] [not as great-bad as "Skynyrd's Innards" about another tragic plane crash!] "In Hollywood The Good Guys Always Win (Cuz In Real Life The Good Guys Always Lose) (this is a jew joke)" "My Fist Misses Your Face" [epic country ballad about my ex GF who lied and told people I used to beat her up!] "Just Say No To Drugs (And By 'Drugs' I Mean Pussy)" [another song about the glories of celibacy] [cf my hit single "Think Outside The Box" --- get it?] [Harvilla takes 3 minutes before figuring it out...] "The CIA Invented BOOTY (To Keep The Black Man Down)" [sizzling electro-funk] (I literally have tens of thousands more of these.) (I'm so super-brilliant that Harvilla and Baron have an official blacklist of me at The Voice!) ANYHOW... ON TO MY FEEDBACK ON THIS CONTEST... (I'll post it as a followup in case i've already used too many characters...)
As the creator of the world's greatest band names (and having been hailed by dozens of VOice writers for the best song titles and stage names etc, and the NYPost contacted me months back and interviewed me about naming bands, blah blah) I feel I'm the most qualified to offer insight. (My first of 30 autobiographies is called "Surplus Of Wisdom"!) (The fourth is called "Mommy? If Gandhi Was Such A Great Man WHY Did They Kill Him?") EVIDENCE: some random song titles by me... (ie these ain't my top 50) "Has He Taken My Spot (In Your Heart's Parking Lot)?" [tearjerking ballad] "Love Is God's Way Of Saying 'Fuck You'" [accidentally sounds like 1974 Genesis!] "ABBA's Cadavers" [about a tragic plane crash in Sweden!] [not as great-bad as "Skynyrd's Innards" about another tragic plane crash!] "In Hollywood The Good Guys Always Win (Cuz In Real Life The Good Guys Always Lose) (this is a jew joke)" "My Fist Misses Your Face" [epic country ballad about my ex GF who lied and told people I used to beat her up!] "Just Say No To Drugs (And By 'Drugs' I Mean Pussy)" [another song about the glories of celibacy] [cf my hit single "Think Outside The Box" --- get it?] [Harvilla takes 3 minutes before figuring it out...] "The CIA Invented BOOTY (To Keep The Black Man Down)" [sizzling electro-funk] (I literally have tens of thousands more of these.) (I'm so super-brilliant that Harvilla and Baron have an official blacklist of me at The Voice!) ANYHOW... ON TO MY FEEDBACK ON THIS CONTEST... (I'll post it as a followup in case i've already used too many characters...)
PEARL JAM!!!------OH sorry, wrong city!!!
PEARL JAM!!!------OH sorry, wrong city!!!
I think that Jerry Cherry is definatly the worst band name in NY. Maybe the whole world
I think that Jerry Cherry is definatly the worst band name in NY. Maybe the whole world
Regadrds
Regadrds
Phil & the Osophers is a really good name. Wish i thought about that. Can't see why they're competing for worst name. Get your hands off Phil (and the Osophers too).
ok on second thought, after listening to some of their stuff, fuck those guys. who would pay to see that shit.
ok on second thought, after listening to some of their stuff, fuck those guys. who would pay to see that shit.
come on Ching Chong Song is awesome, you PC pussies
come on Ching Chong Song is awesome, you PC pussies
As a freelancer whale, I am offended. It's not my fault Ramen is cheap.
As a freelancer whale, I am offended. It's not my fault Ramen is cheap.
Phil and the osiphers is a repulsive name. I hope the press they are getting in this contest doesn't make them more popular. Unless they're amazing, but I can't imagine their songwriting would be any more stimulating than their namesake would suggest. If I saw their name on a bill I would spit on the sign it was posted on. At least wakey!wakey! hints at a radiohead song. But if you really want to see bad band names, check out the line-up for Arlene's Grocery.
Phil and the osiphers is a repulsive name. I hope the press they are getting in this contest doesn't make them more popular. Unless they're amazing, but I can't imagine their songwriting would be any more stimulating than their namesake would suggest. If I saw their name on a bill I would spit on the sign it was posted on. At least wakey!wakey! hints at a radiohead song. But if you really want to see bad band names, check out the line-up for Arlene's Grocery.
Out of context, Kinky is one lame name. But the tunes somehow make it OK. So, without having heard a lick of Ching Chong song, who knows. Well, that shit probably sucks like Friday night at Rockwood Music Hall. Anyways, Freelance Whales makes me think of the dickheads who go to those paid Mediabistro classes.
Out of context, Kinky is one lame name. But the tunes somehow make it OK. So, without having heard a lick of Ching Chong song, who knows. Well, that shit probably sucks like Friday night at Rockwood Music Hall. Anyways, Freelance Whales makes me think of the dickheads who go to those paid Mediabistro classes.
When did my name become 2nd rate
When did my name become 2nd rate
I've got a Fail List of band names on my desk and all of these bands are on it. This is something akin to maternal pride.
I've got a Fail List of band names on my desk and all of these bands are on it. This is something akin to maternal pride.
Just tried to vote for Freelance Whales again.
Just tried to vote for Freelance Whales again.
I once hired a whale to freelance.
I once hired a whale to freelance.
Perhaps �thinking� was the wrong word, more so �impassioned.� Yes, against the band themselves, who even went further to dig themselves in the hole with an �apology� letter, but as an event, it was all pretty fascinating. The protest brought to light the origin of the phrase (which I, only speaking for myself, would have never clearly known otherwise), it began a dialogue about how far is too far (they did, indeed, go too far), and more than anything, it united people of all different races against a single obnoxious cabaret act � which is kind of hilarious. I�m not condoning racism; but in their stupidity arises the issue of the nuance and tone of language, of what could be conceived as the offensively absurd - designed to break people away from their conventional train of thought - and what is just flat out hate. My opinion could be flawed or I could be reading too much into it, but as a name, it evoked more for me than say�. The Static Jacks.
Perhaps �thinking� was the wrong word, more so �impassioned.� Yes, against the band themselves, who even went further to dig themselves in the hole with an �apology� letter, but as an event, it was all pretty fascinating. The protest brought to light the origin of the phrase (which I, only speaking for myself, would have never clearly known otherwise), it began a dialogue about how far is too far (they did, indeed, go too far), and more than anything, it united people of all different races against a single obnoxious cabaret act � which is kind of hilarious. I�m not condoning racism; but in their stupidity arises the issue of the nuance and tone of language, of what could be conceived as the offensively absurd - designed to break people away from their conventional train of thought - and what is just flat out hate. My opinion could be flawed or I could be reading too much into it, but as a name, it evoked more for me than say�. The Static Jacks.
Fuck, hard choices. I had to go with the racist-sounding one.
Fuck, hard choices. I had to go with the racist-sounding one.
Calling your band "Freelance Whales" is pretty much an announcement to the planet that you've never had an exceptional thought in your life.
Calling your band "Freelance Whales" is pretty much an announcement to the planet that you've never had an exceptional thought in your life.
need more "master of disguise" references in brooklyn band names
need more "master of disguise" references in brooklyn band names
can you elaborate on what, precisely, the name "ching chong song" got people thinking
can you elaborate on what, precisely, the name "ching chong song" got people thinking
Peanut gallery break down: If I remember correctly, ching chong song's name once incited a heated protest - http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2007/02/nyu_students_ca.html, and while racism is no laughing matter, at least it got people thinking. freelance whales is a really horrible name (they should have taken a note out of�every band�s book, lost the descriptor and just represented their animal�and maybe add a �the� in front), but at least they have a great excuse to have a logo of a really broke (or really hustling!) aquatic mammal on their t-shirts. food stamps is a shitty name, but its shittiness comes from its unimaginative, predictability. Perhaps freelance whales and food stamps should tour together! (zing!) so, really, its a toss up between phil and the osophers and wakey!wakey!. both names conjure up images of horrible bar bands who probably include Lit and Oasis in their itinerary. And while phil and osophers can�t help but remind one of "harry and the potters," (an equally unfunny joke) i'm going to have to hand it to wakey!wakey! for having a band name that makes my skin crawl so much - for its cheekinss and eye-crusted oddly oedipal connotation, that it is honestly, single-handedly an excuse to write off all music coming out of new york entirely. What�re yall thinking?
Peanut gallery break down: If I remember correctly, ching chong song's name once incited a heated protest - http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2007/02/nyu_students_ca.html, and while racism is no laughing matter, at least it got people thinking. freelance whales is a really horrible name (they should have taken a note out of�every band�s book, lost the descriptor and just represented their animal�and maybe add a �the� in front), but at least they have a great excuse to have a logo of a really broke (or really hustling!) aquatic mammal on their t-shirts. food stamps is a shitty name, but its shittiness comes from its unimaginative, predictability. Perhaps freelance whales and food stamps should tour together! (zing!) so, really, its a toss up between phil and the osophers and wakey!wakey!. both names conjure up images of horrible bar bands who probably include Lit and Oasis in their itinerary. And while phil and osophers can�t help but remind one of "harry and the potters," (an equally unfunny joke) i'm going to have to hand it to wakey!wakey! for having a band name that makes my skin crawl so much - for its cheekinss and eye-crusted oddly oedipal connotation, that it is honestly, single-handedly an excuse to write off all music coming out of new york entirely. What�re yall thinking?
if this is anything but Ching Chong Song, I'm leaving New York for good
if this is anything but Ching Chong Song, I'm leaving New York for good