The Ballad of Kim Kardashian and The-Dream: A Speculative Musical

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Yesterday, TMZ brought word that the reality television star Kim Kardashian was in the studio with superproducer and SOTC hero The-Dream, working on a record. "If The-Dream ends up writing a whole album for/about Kim Kardashian, the Internet is liable to just blow the fuck up," a colleague wrote, which gave us an idea: maybe the The-Dream already has written a whole album for Kim Kardashian. We went back through our lovingly kept Dream archives and realized that everything Kim K needs to make her triumphant pop debut and tell her life story via song has long since been written. All was missing were some stage directions, so we threw those in, and behold: the Kardashian story, as told by The-Dream. Or, as we like to call it, The Ballad of Kim Kardashian and The-Dream: A Speculative Musical. (They can thank us later.) It begins in Kardashians' family home in Los Angeles, high in the Hollywood Hills....

A young KIM KARDASHIAN sits on the floor while her sisters KOURTNEY and KHLOE rub her back and she gives them Indian burns. Father ROBERT KARDASHIAN walks in the room and turns on the television. His old and dear friend OJ SIMPSON appears on the screen, driving a Ford Bronco down a Los Angeles freeway. Full of the import of his friend's foolish actions, her father breaks into song:

ROBERT KARDASHIAN:
If you're sittin' on them 24's,
I wanna see you make it go
Round and round and up and down

I said, if you're sittin' on them 24's,
I wanna see you drop it low
Round and round and up and down

Fast car--yessir.
I need a fast car--yessir.
I need a fast car--yessir.
I need a fast car--oh, yessir.

Some years pass. A medley of "Luv Songs," "She Needs My Love," and finally, "Abyss" take us through KIM's first marriage, to producer Damon Thomas, and subsequent 2004 divorce. Soon after she meets r&b singer RAY J. Their romantic life is torrid. One day, RAY J proposes making a sex tape. She responds skeptically.

KIM KARDASHIAN:
If there's a camera up in here
Then it's gonna leave with me
When I'm through (when I'm through).
If there's a camera up in here
Then I'd best not catch this flick
On YouTube (on YouTube).
'Cause if you run your mouth and brag
About this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down.

RAY J:
If there's a camera up in here
It might leave
When I'm through (when I'm through).
If there's a camera up in here
Post that right on up to YouTube.
I'm just playin'.

But RAY J was not playing. A RAY J/KIM KARDASHIAN sex tape falls into the hands of the evil VIVID ENTERTAINMENT, who release it to the public. In response, KIM sues for five million dollars. As the check arrives in the mail, though, she feels no comfort. Staring down at the useless piece of paper in her hand, she opens her mouth to sing.

KIM KARDASHIAN:
'Cause when love is your problem
Nothing can solve it.
When love is the problem
Money can't solve it.

Celebrity, however, follows. More celebrity than she can dream of, if not the kind she imagined. Headlines read "Kim Kardashian's ass crack will end you." Skeptics ask: "Is Kim Kardashian's Ass Really that Big?" It's like "a water bomb," says an Australian talk show host. She can no longer ride jet skis while wearing a bikini in peace. She's harassed by airline screeners and police officers who insist on invasive stop and frisks. Fed up, she bursts once more into song.

KIM KARDASHIAN:
Police hate us--why?
Because they've never seen a girl with an ass so fat.

But with public lasciviousness comes opportunity, too: a berth on Dancing With the Stars, season seven. An important rung on the road to mainstream stardom. And yet even with the help of former DWTS champion Mark Ballas, she stumbles. She is voted off third, and finishes in lowly eleventh place. Host TOM BERGERON belittles her in the media.

TOM BERGERON:
She goin' right, she goin' left.
I had her here, myself.
I got it on it, like I want it.
She rode the beat like a pony
Cameras up, cameras flash.
I'm tispy, tryna laugh.

Frustrated in her professional ambitions, she turns to a reality television show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, lines of perfume, clothing, and jewelry, and an autobiography, Kardashian Konfidential. One day, however, stepbrother and fellow reality television star BRODY JENNER overhears her singing in the shower. "Kim's got a really good voice," he immediately tells TMZ. Thus decided to embark upon on a new musical career, she enlists the talents of superproducer THE-DREAM. He has, the producer tells her, just the song for the oceans of online mockery even now pouring forth regarding her new career decision. "I've got you, Kim," he says, and turns slowly to face the the pulsing mass of ones and zeros that is the internet.

THE-DREAM:
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
F.U.
Now, now, now
Now what, what now?
Now what, what now?
Now what, what now?
Now what, what now?
Now what, what now?
Now what, what now?
Now what, what now?
Now what, what now?
Now what, what now?
Yeah!


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