Top Five Beatles Songs Guaranteed Not To Top The iTunes Singles Chart Today

So the Beatles catalog is now available on iTunes. This is, contrary to your attempts to be contrary, A Big Deal. You may naturally (and not unreasonably) assume that everyone in the world already owns all the Beatles songs they'd ever care to own. You are mistaken. The iTunes chart run destined to result will probably not take on Michael Jackson proportions, but we can hope at least that Ke$ha will be conceding to "In My Life" for the foreseeable future. Let us pause for a moment, though, to consider the lesser lights of the Beatles catalog -- those tunes that will probably not set the charts aflame $1.30 at a time. We can safely assume that Katy Perry has nothing to fear from the following:

"Act Naturally"

Songs Ringo Sang would be an excellent iTunes playlist, "What Goes On" pouring seamlessly into "Octopus's Garden" and so forth, the cheerful semi-tunefulness eventually winning you over in spite of yourself. "Act Naturally," though, mostly makes you glad he never tried to make a country album.

"You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)"

If you'd like to hear the Beatles straight-up fucking around in the studio, their Christmas albums are still the way to go, but this is basically Monty Python incarnate.

"Mr. Moonlight"

If you ever want to lose 50 or Twitter followers instantaneously, announce that this is your favorite Beatles song.

"Revolution 9"

I actually hope this happens, as it will be a more worrisome indicator of the national psyche than the midterm elections.

"Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand"

Now "Act Naturally" in German, that would've really been something.