Top 10 Prodigy Prison Rants, Starring Obama, Jay-Z, Napoleon, Corny Backpack Rappers, And Demonic Owls

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Pic by Chad Griffith
Mobb Deep rapper Prodigy was released from prison yesterday after serving three and a half years on a gun-possession charge. During that time, the voluble emcee used his Internet access and old-school pen-and-paper interview privileges to hip the world to his theories on secret societies based around gigantic demon owls, President Obama's neocolonialist status, the problem of bats in the prison system, and the proliferation of wack rappers blighting the modern hip-hop scene. The entertainment value of these uppercase missives bodes well for his upcoming book, My Infamous Life: The Autobiography of Mobb Deep's Prodigy, to be released in April (although it'll be the publishing industry's most tragic failure of nerve if it's not printed in all caps). To celebrate his newfound freedom, here are 10 of his most sensational prison revelations. (Reader beware: All formatting and punctuation are the artist's own.)

President Barack Obama Is A Neocolonialist
In the run-up to the 2008 presidential election, most high-profile rappers could be found dropping pro-Obama references in their raps while secretly planning to vote for whichever candidate would give them the cushiest tax break. Not Prodigy. Seeing as he'd labeled Obama a "PHONY" and a "PLASTIC PRESIDENT" in the run-up to the election, I asked Prodigy whether he still felt that way after he was elected. (The interview was facilitated by submitting questions via the excellent production unit Sid Roams.) With a prescient cynicism. the emcee wrote back, "MOST OF THE RAPPERS AND ENTERTAINERS YOU SEE PROMOTING VOTING DON'T KNOW HOW THIS SYSTEM WORKS -- THEY'RE JUST DOING IT TO MAKE THEMSELVES APPEAR TO BE POLITICALLY AWARE, KNOWLEDGEABLE AND ALSO FOR SELF PROMOTION." (Also, "SOME OF THEM ARE DOING IT AS PART OF THEIR PLEA BARGAINS.")

Then came the history lesson: "OBAMA REPRESENTS ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT, AKA NEOCOLONIALISM. PRESIDENTS DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING LOCALLY -- THEY ONLY DEAL WITH FOREIGN POLICY. SO WILL OBAMA GIVE AFRICANS BACK THEIR LAND AND NATURAL RESOURCES THAT THESE EUROPEAN BLOODSUCKERS HAVE SEIZED CONTROL OF? WILL OBAMA FIGHT FOR THE NATIVE AMERICAN'S LAND AND NATURAL RESOURCES THAT THESE EUROPEAN PIRATES HAVE SEIZED? WHAT WILL HE DO FOR THE AUSTRALIAN ABORIGINES? OR ALASKAN INUITS? DOES HE EVEN SPEAK PUBLICLY ABOUT THESE THINGS? WHAT DO THESE CELEBRITIES WHO ARE SO 'POLITICALLY AWARE' HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL OF THIS? WHY DON'T THESE AWARE CELEBS PROMOTE VOTING FOR THE LOCAL ASSEMBLY PERSON OR CONGRESS PERSON? THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN CHANCE LOCAL ISSUES IN THE 'HOODS." Someone get this man on Meet The Press posthaste.

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You Don't Realize The Extent Of Prodigy's Trend Setting
In a mammoth 26-point blog post, Prodigy reeled off every trend he feels the hip-hop community has never given him credit for originating. This includes matters both musical (point ten: "SAMPLING MAFIA MUSIC," which P claims to have originated on Mobb Deep's "Crime Connections," a style the Nas-associated producer L.E.S. allegedly soon appropriated) and technological (point 19: "WEB SITES, I HAD INFAMOUSSTORES.COM AND WAS WRITING BLOGS BACK IN 99 LONG BEFORE IT BECAME POPULAR IN HIP HOP TO HAVE A WEB SITE"), not to mention an extensive section on fashion that included "CUSTOM MADE JEWELERY INSTEAD OF THE POPULAR MOLDS," "HOW I FOLD MY BANDANA," "CUSTOM MADE FOOTBALL JERSEYS WIT HENNESSY and E&J ON EM'," and "TIMBERLAND BOOTS...THESE RACIST FUCC'S OWE US MILLIONS. THEY NEVER DO AD'S USING BLACK PEOPLE OR RAPPERS AS MUCH AS WE PROMOTED THEY SHIT." Alas, the foppish Prodigy lost steam by the time he came to point 26, where he admitted, "I COULD JUST KEEP GOING BUT NOW I'M TIRED."

Jay-Z Is A Member Of The Illuminati
Prodigy isn't the only rapper convinced of the existence of the Illuminati, but he's likely the only one to claim that Jay-Z has a link to the secret government's inner workings. In a letter to Urb magazine, he wrote, "J.Z. KNOWS THE TRUTH, BUT HE CHOSE SIDES WITH EVIL IN ORDER TO BE ACCEPTED IN THE CORPORATE WORLD." Then he added, "J.Z. CONCEALS THE TRUTH FROM THE BLACK COMMUNITY AND THE WORLD, AND PROMOTES THE LIFESTYLE OF THE BEAST INSTEAD."

Owls Are Inherently Demonic
Before the year is out, there will be an Odd Future video that looks like this: "ANOTHER OLD SOCIETY HIGH UP ON THE TOTEM POLE IS THE 'BOHEMIAN GROVE" SECRET SOCIETY. THIS GROUP OF ELITE HAVE RECENTLY BEEN EXPOSED. THEY HOLD MEETINGS IN THE CALIFORNIA REDWOOD FOREST AND PRACTICE RITUALS WHERE THEY WORSHIP A GIANT DEMON OWL CALLED "MOLECH" AND THEY DO "MOCK" SACRIFICES TO THEIR GOD "MOLECH" WHERE THEY BURN A BABY IN A BONFIRE, WITH HUNDREDS OF MEMBERS WATCHING."

There Is No Greatest Rapper Of All Time
While being petitioned as part of a poll asking 100 different rappers to name the greatest MC of all time, Prodigy flatly insisted that "IN REALITY, THERE IS NO GREATEST OF ALL TIME." (Rakim won by a landslide, for the record.) This allowed Prodigy to segue into one of his favorite subjects: naming and shaming the world's inadequate rappers. Due to "THESE EUROPEAN SLAVE MASTERS AND THEIR GREAT, GREAT GRANDKIDS," modern rap fans have been brainwashed: "YOU GOT PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY THINK HELL RELL IS A GOOD RAPPER. THERE'S PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO GET THE CHILLS WHEN THEY HEAR RICK ROSS, LIKE HE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL." Then, adding balance to his answer, Prodigy proceeded to compile a list of 40 hip-hop artists he does respect, though it was presented with "NO SIGNIFICANCE TO THE ORDER." It took in usual nominees Rakim, KRS-One, Kool G Rap, Biggie and Jay-Z, plus relative wild cards like Remy Ma, Mase, and Three 6 Mafia.

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However, angered by having just read Vibe magazine's Best Rapper Alive article, Prodigy added, "WHO IN THE FUCK PICKED CROOKED I, FLO RIDA AND RICH BOY?" The comment caused Slaughterhouse member Crooked I to respond on his own blog over at HipHopDX, wherein he challenged Prodigy to a "one on one" fight, promising, "I'll wait for your release date since I don't forget about shit." Then came the kicker: "P.S. Do some push-ups."

Napoleon Is Responsible For The Sphinx's Missing Nose
The mystery behind the Spinx's missing nose has flummoxed historians for centuries, likely because those old fusty scholars never thought to call on Prodigy's expertise in the area. According to the burgeoning history buff, "NAPOLEAN BONAPARTE WAS INFAMOUS FOR USING CANNONS' TO BLOW THE LIPS & NOSE OFF THE SPHINX AND OTHER GIANT EGYPTIAN MONUMENTS." Being that the Sphinx is "HALF BLACK WOMAN AND HALF BEAST," it was understandable that "NAPOLEAN WAS JUST SO UPSET TO SEE BLACK FACES AND FEATURES THAT HE STARTED BLASTING AWAY."

Prison Is Full Of Bats
While locked up in Mid-State Correctional Facility, Prodigy took it upon himself to let the world know: "YO, THEY GOT BAT'S FLYING AROUND INSIDE. SHIT FLEW PASS MY FACE A FEW HOURS AGO. I HATE BATS!! I GET BIT, I'M SUING!" Thankfully for the prison system's coffers, the pesky problem soon passed. Asked a few months later about the presence of bats, Prodigy seemed to have calmed down, and wrote back, "NO, ACTUALLY SINCE THEN I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY MORE BATS. THIS PRISON USED TO BE A PSYCHO PRISON. IT LOOKS LIKE AN ABANDONED HORROR JAIL. IT'S REAL FOUL LOOKING. YOU CAN ASK ANY BODY THAT COMES OUR FROM A VISIT -- THIS PRISON LOOKS HAUNTED."

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President Obama May Have Skipped His History Class
"AM I TO BELIEVE THAT OBAMA, WHO GRADUATED FROM LAW SCHOOL AND IS SO HEAVY INTO POLITICS THAT HE DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT HE NEVER HEARD OF JOHN HANSON, AMERICA'S FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT?" So wondered Prodigy while catching election fever and reading up on his history of the executive office. Adding background to his findings, Prodigy explained the legend of John Hanson, a "BLACK MOOR WHO DESIGNED AND CREATED THE 'GREAT SEAL' THAT'S ON THE BACK OF THE DOLLAR BILL AND ON THE CARPET OF THE OVAL OFFICE," but whose photograph has allegedly been "RECENTLY REMOVED FROM THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS WEBSITE." For anyone wanting to check for themselves, Prodigy recommends pointing your web browser to lcweb2.loc.gov. (Bonus family matter: "LET'S NOT FORGET HE'S GEORGE BUSH'S BLOOD COUSIN.")

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Backpack Rappers Can Be Corny, Too
After Phonte from the rap group Little Brother labeled the G-Unit-era Mobb Deep as "Club Mobb"; described Prodigy's performance on the album Blood Money as "rambling, non-rhyming, unfocused"; and also managed to throw in the phrase "blatant cock-sniggling," Prodigy hit back in his usual blitzkrieg blog style, calling Little Brother "CORNY." Then, quite exquisitely, he showed a sly awareness of the medium in which he works in and broke from his favored all-caps style to type Little Brother's name in lower-case. The day he works out emoticons will change the internet forever.

Natural Energy Can One Day Be Our Savior
Switching into super-scientifical mode, Prodigy issued a bulletin about "THE WORLD GRID," which is apparently a bunch of "NATURAL ENERGY LINES THAT CRISS-CROSS THE ENTIRE PLANET." This produces a natural vortex of energy which "CAN BE USED FOR POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE; DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH IT." Hinting at a future free from outrageous Con-Edison bill spikes, Prodigy promised, "THIS NATURAL SOURCE OF ENERGY CAN ALSO BE USED TO POWER THE WORLD WITHOUT ELECTRICITY, NUCLEAR ENERGY, GAS, FUEL OR ANYTHING ELSE THEY'VE GOT TO ENSLAVE, POISON, AND OR MAKE PROFIT OFF US ALL. BUT THAT IS A TOPIC FOR ANOTHER DAY." Stay tuned.


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