Reviews of Wines From Famous Rock 'n' Roll Bands!

By Brian McManus

Lately we've noticed a lot of bands have their own brands of wine, including Motörhead, Kiss, AC/DC, and Ratt. (Even Warrant has a wine. Warrant.) One of our friends at Wine Spectator magazine showed us the piece they wrote in April about this trend, and noted they were going to rate many of them in their October issue. But then walking ego Gene Simmons got word that his Kiss wine was rated poorly and threatened to sue. Wine Spectator felt it wasn't worth the hassle, so they killed the piece.

Here at Sound of the City, however, we're fearless motherfuckers who refuse to be pushed around. Also, we're drunk. So we sent an intern to find the piece in the trash at Wine Spectator and we are running it below. Bring it on, Simmons.

AC/DC
Hells Bells Sauvignon Blanc
Rating: 88
Lots of people complain that AC/DC wine lost its appeal when its original winemaker died. Those people are full of shit. The AC/DC Hells Bells Sauvignon Blanc works hard and doesn't quit. It's consistent. Every bottle tastes exactly the same. Hints of citrus on the nose, orange peel and fat chords on the tongue; a perfect balance of workman Malcolm tannins and showy Angus fruit. May cause big balls.

Slayer
Reign in Blood Cabernet
Rating: 66.6
This wine exhibits a very big body, undisputed attitude and is uncompromisingly tough. It's the most popular wine ever sold in South America. Like, they go crazy for this shit down there. As its name implies, it tastes like blood. On the nose you can make out currants, apricot and evil. Mostly evil. You may find lots of young people pretending they love Slayer's Reign in Blood Cabernet, because the brand is very chic. Many of them know very little about it.