How to Stop Masturbating to 50 Cent
Last week, 50 Cent took to Twitter to tackle an issue few rappers have dared address: the sin of masturbation. He even went so far as to offer a handy four-step guide to avoiding the temptation to debase yourself:
Step 1: To avoid the urge to masturbate stop going to porn sites.
Step 2: Make a conscious decision not to turn your head after people walk by you.
Step 3: Do not go to strip clubs.
Step 4: Do not look at lust filled magazines.
We appreciate 50's commitment to defeating the scourge of onanism, but there's one thing lacking from his advice: Not all of us are in strip clubs or surfing porn sites when we're visited by the ungodly urge. A lot of us are just simple 50 Cent fans, driven over and over to the sin of self-abuse by none other than Curtis himself.
For your spiritual benefit, we'll share our own four-step plan to stop masturbating to 50 Cent.
1. Avoid his sexualized songs. It's tough to respect your personal temple when listening to a 50 Cent record, since his records are so often cornucopias of sensual delight; despite his hard-edged image, he's never shied from the sex jams. However you want it, 50 can give it to you: "Candy Shop" fixates on the oral; "Just a Lil Bit" is a tentative just-the-tip experience; and "I Just Wanna" likes it a little rougher. Most of these tracks focus on the ladies, but even totally straight guys can get in on the fantasy of a little man-on-Cent action. In "Piggy Bank," he invites G-Unit pal Tony Yayo to his palace of delight: "Yayo, bring the condoms. I'm in room 203."
2. Don't watch his Rick Ross beef videos. 50 has been in plenty of feuds, but none more heated than his beef with Rick Ross. Their drama climaxed in March of 2009, when 50 leaked a video of the mother of Ross's child having an intimate encounter with another man. A pornographic video alone might be enough to drive you to the brink, but 50 pushes it over the top. He portrays his "Pimpin Curly" character -- wigged in a high mound of light-brown curls and stroking an electric blue fur coat -- and narrates the proceedings in a melodious falsetto. "He goin' in," he shrieks at the moment of union; "He goin' on in!" His effeminate pimp caricature crackles with erotic energy, and our trembling hands wander toward sin.
3. Be careful with the "In Da Club" video. While it should have been an innocent club romp, this video is a minefield of titillation. The conceit is that 50 Cent is a cyborg, developed by Dr. Dre and Eminem as the perfect rapper. Unfortunately, the sexuality is amped up with extended gym-jock fantasies. Look away when he pumps manly iron or runs on a treadmill in slow motion. Take extra care if you're into kink: There are several scenes in which a bare-chested 50 hangs suspended from a ceiling while rapping, so make sure you don't repeatedly rewind those bits for replays of a bound musclegod hanging helpless for your pleasure.
4. Avoid the cover of The Massacre. The sleeve of his 2005 album depicts -- and forgive us if we stir any impure thoughts here -- 50 Cent standing proud and shirtless, his pecs tumid, his waffled brisket glazed and gleaming with delicious oils. His musculature is outlined in slashes of black ink, exaggerating the definition of every bulge and furrow. His face is at once defiant and inviting, like a Tom of Finland lumberjack: "Think you can handle a bad boy like me? I dare you to worship these muscles, pig." How can we steer our minds from sin when challenged by an image so cartoonishly arousing? If you own the CD, we suggest removing the sleeve and replacing it with something that discourages impure thoughts, like maybe a picture of Ja Rule.
Stay strong, rap fans. If we could make it through writing all that without degrading our precious gift, anything is possible. If you'll excuse us, we need a cold shower.