Does Becoming A Dad Mean I Have To Give Up My Music Dream?

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Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist, and is the author of The Girls' Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to help you stop doing it wrong. Send your problems to her -- confidentiality is assured, unless you want to use your drama as a ticket to Internet microfame.

Dear Fan,
Long time reader, first time writer. I'm a 39 year old professional and father of a two-year-old. I've been writing and recording my own music for 20 years with very little to show for it other than a closet of unsold vinyl and a second bedroom full of synthesizers and guitars. My little boy sleeps in a crib in our bedroom because our second bedroom is full of the accoutrements of my music hobby. I am toying with the idea of putting all this gear in storage so our son can have his own bedroom, but that would pretty much be an admission that I am giving up and I know it would make me so unhappy. I devote maybe one or two nights a week to music so renting a practice space seems unjustifiable. How do I balance the dream of being a bedroom krautrock superstar with the realities of the lives of two full-time working parents?
Sign me,
"Dieter Zweite-Schlafzimmer"


Dearest Dieter,
You are asking the wrong question. This isn't about balancing and there is no such thing as a Krautrock superstar, except for, like, whoever from Can is still presently alive. This is not about giving up on ambition, it's about scaling your dream to better fit your life. That room is a holdover from your pre-parental life, a relic of old freedom. As someone whose workspace became a playroom two years ago, I understand. But it's unfair to be all A Room Of Ones Own when there's a little guy in a crib in your bedroom as result.

If you keep looking at this as "the kid" vs. "my expression of self" this transition is going to be really painful, especially since there is plenty of sacrifice involved in parenting a young child already, it's hard not to cling to things that feel totemic of the old life. It'll also make you resent what's happening rather than just seeing it as a transition. This isn't happening because you are almost 40 or your music is bad or that you are a failure. As parents the main thing we have to teach our kids is how to live right, just being "done" with music would make you miserable and hobby-less, and you don't want to be that example that for him. Your motivation here only has to be that you are seeking a reasonable solution that works better for everyone: you both need a place to play, essentially.

So chew on that, because I am about to offer some radical advice.

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3 comments
mysterypills
mysterypills

@jesshopp good advice, but if anyone is considering building a soundproof bunker instead, tell them to get started well before conception.

trisloth
trisloth

@jesshopp fantastic, spot-on post

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