The Completely Real, Totally Not Fake Chronology of the Musical and Philosophical Development of Kenny G

March 24, 1982: Eager to see his father again for the first time in years and share with him his transformation, Kenny flies back to New York only to find that the elder Gotti is disgusted by what his son has become and declares, "You're dead to me, you wuss!" Despondent, Kenny steps into traffic and is grazed by a limo carrying Arista honcho Clive Davis. Noticing the alto sax sticking out from Kenny's coat pocket, Davis implores him to play something and he reluctantly obliges with a nascent version of "Songbird." Struck by how remarkably lifeless it is despite Kenny's deep personal despair, Davis immediately signs him to a 10-album deal.

December 1, 1986: Long estranged from his friend Michael Bolton, who felt abandoned and repulsed by Kenny's dramatic about-face, Kenny visits the recording studio where Bolton's in the middle of laying down vocals for his new grindcore album. Kenny shows him his plaque commemorating Duotones' multi-platinum sales, and the pair embraces. Bolton pledges allegiance to Kenny's artistic vision and immediately records a soulless version of Otis Redding's "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay."

November 22, 1994: Kenny issues Miracles: The Holiday Album, which was originally to include the track "All I Want For Christmas Is To Knock Out Your Two Front Teeth"--Kenny's sly ode to his violent past and that Christmas Day of 30 years earlier--until he decided to pull the song at the last minute. It goes on to become the biggest-selling Christmas album of all time.

May 18, 2000: Kenny briefly considers cutting Pat Metheny's head off after the jazz guitarist criticizes Kenny for overdubbing his sax playing on the original recording of Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World": "Kenny G has created a new low point in modern culture--something that we all should be totally embarrassed about--and afraid of," Metheny insists. But Michael Bolton urges Kenny not to risk everything by returning to a life of crime, convincing him instead to do a co-headlining tour of Napa Valley wineries.

June 10, 2002: Learning that his incarcerated father is gravely ill with throat cancer, Kenny rushes to a federal medical center in Missouri but is dismayed when the elder Gotti refuses to see him. Kenny stands outside the facility, bathed only in moonlight, and attempts to play an especially somber version of "The Moment" that winds up conveying absolutely no feeling whatsoever. Not a single tear drops from his father's eye as he passes away.

June 11, 2011: Lost in a sea of confusion in the decade following his father's death--hardly comforted by his enormous wealth, a half-dozen more holiday albums, nearly twice as many greatest hits compilations, Weezer collaborations, and by mocking his own public persona--Kenny finally reaches what he believes to be his personal and artistic pinnacle when he appears (alongside Hanson, Corey Feldman, Debbie Gibson, and several other walking punchlines) in Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" video.

October 2, 2012: Just a few months after the U.S. release of Namaste, India--on which he teamed up with Indian santoor master Rahul Sharma to create yet another collection of negligible background music--Kenny falls asleep and dreams he fell down, hit his head, finally came to his senses after three decades, went out and snapped the necks of two complete strangers just for fun, then let Death Grips snap a photo of his dick for their album cover. He sits up in a cold sweat, looks around his bedroom, settles back into his pillow, and with an ever-so-slight pang of regret, falls back asleep.

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