Which Philosophies Do These Metal Genres Exemplify?

Categories: 2013

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Metal bands have a beautiful combination of ballsiness and self-importance to put themselves out there, and risk looking hilariously self-serious. Simply put, there's no scene that gels better with my high school philosophy class than metal. You'd always rather read Kant listening to Ulver over Modest Mouse. So with that in mind, we felt it necessary to pick a specific school of philosophy/theology that best associates with a specific subgenre of metal. Because if there's anything we're sure of, it's that Socrates would've loved blast beats.

See also: What Artistic Movements Do These Rappers Exemplify?

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Weird Things Rock Stars Have Put Their Penises In

Categories: 2013

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We've built a culture that breathlessly responds to the reckless id of horny rock stars. It's either another colorful facet of pop culture or the crumbling of our basic human values, depending on how you look at it. What we do know, is that gross white men sticking their penis into esoteric things is a tradition that is not going to change for quite some time. So while we're living in this phallic age, we might as well do our best to evaluate it. Below, you will find a host of weird things rock stars have allegedly put their penis in. We're judging style, hilarity, memorability, improvisation, and of course, immortalization.

See also: Ten Metal Albums to Hear Before You Die

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Pairing Olympic Events With Their Soulmate Records

Categories: 2013

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The Olympics are here, which means we're getting a ton of sports we only care about once every two years mainlined into the American heart and soul. It can be difficult navigating and narrating the storylines and emotional posture of the winter sports, as they tend to apply to a very specific subset of the world's audience. To simplify it, we've paired each of the Olympic sports with a record that might help you understand what exactly is going on.

See also: The Definitive Ranking of All Slint's Albums

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The Definitive Ranking of All Slint's Albums

Categories: 2013

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Though it's a monumental task, were attempting to rank the best albums from Slint. That's like picking favorite children or books of the Bible. With a discography so fully defined by its knotty niches and endless fan debate, could it even be possible to single out one Slint album above the rest? Is there any way to scale such a task without risking sacrilege? We do not know, but as critics it is our civic duty to offer the most powerful, iconoclastic listicles we can imagine. Please, in honor of Slint's new box set and upcoming set at Primavera Sound, join us on this journey.

See also: 2013: The Year of the Emo Reunion

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Our Most Anticipated Albums of the Year

Categories: 2013

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At the beginning of each year, many publications and music sites cobble together lists of the upcoming albums they're most looking forward to and excited about. Most of these lists are mostly the same. Mostly. Take a look at the completely real, totally not fake list of albums we're INCREDIBLY HYPED about!

See also: The 10 Best Male Rappers of All Time

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Looking Back on Some Hilariously Overwrought Things Written About American Idiot

Categories: 2013

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This year marks the 10th anniversary for one of the weirdest moments in recent pop music history. Green Day somehow released one of the most critically acclaimed rock operas of all time. They were an entity primarily known for a series of respectable snot-punk slammers throughout the '90s, and then they were decorated poet laureates, winning trophies and inspiring hilariously overwrought write-ups.

American Idiot has not retained its resounding importance, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" is no longer getting remote adult-contemporary spins, and you have to imagine a lot of music writers might regret some of the breathless words they spent praising an album that turned out to be a momentary fad. But honestly, that's worth celebrating. American Idiot's lasting legacy will be that, for a few months, everyone really really cared about American Idiot. Seriously, people wrote some crazy things about this album. So crazy, that we've created a little quiz. In the following questions you will see four hypothetical quotes from reviews for the seventh Green Day album. Only one of them will be real. Can you figure out which one is which? Let's find out!

See also: Green Day - Barclays Center - 4/7/13

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Music Industry New Year's Resolutions

Categories: 2013

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Just because the music business has been reduced to a dying ember of quarter-cent streaming services, earnest cultural analysis of the VMAs, and rappers with horn players, doesn't mean we can't make sweeping, declarative reformations to help make our proud old-media industry just a little bit better. As we enter 2014, a year you used to read about in science fiction novels, let's propose a few New Year's resolutions for our artists, labels, critics, vendors and producers.

See also: A Quick Note to 2013 About 2013 and Also 2014

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Our 20 Most Read Stories of 2013, the Complete List

Categories: 2013

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We covered a lot of music ground in 2013. You loved all of it (especially if the word "douchiest" was in the title). But some stories were more read than others. Here now, our 20 most popular posts of the year. Thanks for reading, and see you next year!!

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Our 20 Most Read Stories of 2013, 10 - 1

Categories: 2013

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We covered a lot of music ground in 2013. You loved all of it (especially if the word "douchiest" was in the title). But some stories were more read than others. Here now, our 20 most popular posts of the year, 10 - 1. Thanks for reading, and see you next year!!

See also: Our 20 Most Read Stories of 2013, 20 - 11

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Our 20 Most Read Stories of 2013, 20 - 11

Categories: 2013

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We covered a lot of music ground in 2013. You loved all of it. But some stories were more read than others. Here now, our 20 most popular posts of the year, 20 - 11. Thanks for reading, and see you next year!!

See also: The 10 Best Metal Albums of 2013

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