Here Are the Songs They Play at a Middle School Dance

2:51: Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass." That's not that weird, I guess. What is weird though is that the bulk of the football team has taken over one of the dancing circles, with them all in the middle dancing and singing along in what appears to be an entirely authentic manner. There's zero irony. They appear to actually be enjoying the process. The rest of the crowd is nonplussed. Kids today are super advanced. Word to them for that. There's no way anything like that could've happened in 199--- WAIT! IS NICKI MINAJ 2012's SELENA?!!??!! HOLY CHRIST!?

2:53: Hahaha. The music stopped because Jose R.'s mom is here to pick him up. That's the best. He looks pissed. Poor kid.

2:57: A mix from DJ Erick Rincon, 3ball God.

3:01: "Y.M.C.A." I think this guy's having a hard time figuring out if these kids are 14 or 45.

3:03: "Boot Scoot Boogie." Took longer for this to come out than I was anticipating. We're nearing the end of the dance. I'm actually a little excited to see what jewel he'll finish with.

3:06: Now he's playing a regional hit called "Stanky Legg," probably the standout track from this dance rap thing that started in Dallas. They're as bad at this dance as they were the "Teach Me How to Dougie." Still, they're working at it. Admirable. We need that "Good Job, Good Effort" kid from the NBA playoffs here stat. He could be putting in all kinds of work.

3:07: Ah, that's sweet. One kid that doesn't know how to do the "Stanky Legg" dance is trying to teach another kid that doesn't know how to do it how to do it. It's like watching cavemen play with a PSP.

3:10: Oh snap. Skrillex's music has officially made an appearance. I'd like to point out here that in the last 36 minutes, the DJ has played (a) a group that got famous by wearing animal print leggings, (b) arguably the greatest Latina singer ever, (c) a California rap group that fizzled out in by mid-2011, (d) rap's greatest method actor, (e) one of the primary figures in one of music's most interesting new subdivisions, (e) the biggest hit from a disco group originally built to target gay audiences, (f) perhaps the marquee track from Dallas's D-Town boogie movement and (g) the poster child for Americanized Dubstep. And he did so with zero transitions: song, silence, song. HAS ANY DJ EVER BEEN THIS BAD AT BEING ECLECTIC? OR, PERHAPS, IS HE THE PIONEER OF A WHOLE NEW DJ MOVEMENT? IS HE A GENIUS? A DULLARD? IN TUNE WITH THE UNIVERSE? BARELY ALIVE? IT ALL SEEMS IN PLAY.

3:12: Man, getting close to the last song. Three minutes left. All I care about in this world is what that last track will be? It could be anything, really. I wouldn't be surprised if it was just a few minutes of whale noises or pots being dropped on the floor. What if he ends with Morrissey or Snow Patrol or Shabba Ranks?


Dudes, I'm calling it right now: If he ends with Shabba Ranks, he is the Earth's greatest living DJ. BOOK THAT.

3:14: Oh, good. He's playing Ester Dean's "Drop It Low," featuring Chris Brown. A sample of the lyrics: "They wanna see me drop it, drop it, drop it. Wanna pop it, pop it, shake that ass on the floor." Cool, cool. Chris Hansen should be wandering in any moment now.

3:16: DJ announcement: "Alright, everyone. This is the last dance. Make it count." I'm starring dead at him right now. He's fucking pumped about this, I can see it in his face. Silence.

3:16:04: Here it comes.


3:16:09: AND...

3:16:10: IT'S...

Dude. Seriously? Donna Summers' "Last Dance"? That's how this story ends? Like, for real? GODDAMNIT. So disappointing.

He was excited too. He put that on like, "I'm about to blow the fucking roof of this cafeteria with this one! You bitches are gonna be eating outside from now on!" Jesus. I'm going home.

Personal Bias: All of them, all of the biases.

Overheard in the Crowd: Lots of stuff, probably.

Random Notebook Dump: Whenever I'm reviewing a show, I type all of my notes into my phone and send them as text messages. It's helpful because it makes the timestamp thing easier to do. Usually I send them to my wife. Occasionally, I'll send them to someone who's not expecting them. For this one, I sent them to another writer. There were about 45 texts total. He sent back two responses. Both of them had a lot of curse words in them.

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